


The Words By The Pond

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, First Love, First Time, Fluff, Heartbreak, Hiding, High School Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jock Dean, Leaving Home, Loss, M/M, Moving On, Nerd Castiel, Reunions, Secret Relationship, Smut, Starting Over, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-28 21:16:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 48,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10839609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: Dean Winchester hadn't seen those blue eyes in almost 20 years. He remembered when he thought that he had everything, but always felt empty. Those blue eyes changed his life in ways that he never expected. Cas Novak was his greatest achievement and his greatest failure. Can he walk away and try to forget? Or can he stay and try to make things right?





	The Words By The Pond

“Dean Winchester?”

Dean sighed. He wasn’t well known, not anymore, but a few people still remembered his glory days in this town and he was forced to make small talk when he didn’t always want it. It had been a brutal day at work and now all he wanted to do was go home and take a hot shower. He finally lifted his head and felt rooted in place. He hadn’t seen those blue eyes in almost 20 years. “Cas?”

“How’ve you been?”

“Uh good. Back in Lawrence, living the dream.” Dean didn’t have the words, he never expected to hear that voice again. “I uh...I’d love to catch up, but it looks like a line is forming behind me,” he stammered.

Cas tilted his head and looked behind Dean. “You’re right. We should, grab a beer sometime.”

“Yeah, yeah we should. That would be...why don’t you just give me your number?”

Dean was still at a loss when he handed Cas his phone and watched him type in a number, then use it to call his own phone. “There, now we know how to get a hold of each other. I’ll give you a call.”

“Yeah, do that. It’s been good seeing you. We’ll talk later.” Dean dropped cash on the counter and grabbed his bags. He looked back quickly when he opened the door with his body and shook his head while he walked to his car. Cas Novak was back in town.

………………..

He threw on pajama pants and flopped down on the couch with a cold beer, his skin still damp from the shower. He had things that he needed to get done, but he found a movie instead. He leaned back and tried to clear his mind of everything else. He didn’t want to think about those bluer than blue eyes that had always haunted him...

\------------------------------------------------------------

It was Junior year and Dean was ‘that guy’. The one that girls wanted, and the one that guys wanted to be. He’d just made the varsity team and he felt like his life was near perfect.

………………..

He remembered the day that he was called into the coach’s office.

“Winchester, you have got to get these grades up. You’re a smart kid, but you need to get your shit together.”

“I know, Coach,” Dean groaned, leaning back in his chair.

“You are varsity now and I can’t have my varsity boys failing English. How in the hell do you fail English, boy? You speak English.”

“Half the time I can’t understand what Mr. Crowley is saying, the other half is just straight up boring.”

“I can’t afford to take you off my roster. I’m setting you up with a peer tutor.”

Dean folded his arms on the desk and dropped his head. “A peer tutor? C’mon Coach Singer, I can’t spend an hour after school in the library with one of those guys.”

“Do you want to be benched?”

“No,” Dean groaned miserably.

“His name is Cas Novak. You’ll meet him there five minutes after final bell on Monday. You’ll only be going on the days that we don’t have after school practice, but you need to take this seriously.”

“Yeah, okay,” Dean sighed, reaching for his backpack. “Early practice tomorrow?”

“Bright and,” Coach Singer smiled. “I’ll see you on the field at 6:30.”

Dean picked his backpack up and slung it over his shoulder, letting the door slam when he walked out. He wrapped his arm around the closest cute girl and walked her to class, whispering things in her ear that made her blush. He continued down the hall and dropped into a chair in his history class, pulling out a notebook and pen to take notes. He needed to pay attention so that his history grade wouldn’t slip. He wanted to spend as little time with this peer tutor as he could.

………………..

He knew that he had a bad attitude when he sat down at the table across from the kid that he’d seen in the halls, but never paid attention to. He pulled out his English book and flipped it open to the chapter that they were working on. He reached for his notebook and pen and slouched in the chair.

“I’m Cas Novak, you’re Dean Winchester, and we need to get you through Crowley’s class.”

“That’s what they tell me,” Dean smirked.

“I get it, Crowley is a pain in the ass. Half of the time I record his lectures so that I can listen to them at home and try to figure out what in the fuck he is saying. I figure that if we can get you through the rest of the quizzes with a least a C, a solid B on the final, and a hell of an essay we can get you a C in the course. That should keep you on the team. So unfortunately, you have to deal with me for the next couple of months, but I’ll try to make it painless.

They spent their hour going over the writings of Longfellow. Cas tried to break it down and point out what the writer was trying to say. Dean was resistant, but followed along and eventually started to grasp what Cas was telling him. He became almost interested in what Cas was telling him.

“Unfortunately we have a few more writers to go work on. Longfellow is just the beginning, and we still have a lot of his shit to go over. This section of the class really sucks, but we’ll get through it. So, I guess I’ll see you on Thursday.”

Dean thought about his practice schedule for a minute, “Yeah Thursday. Same place same time. See ya later man, thanks for the help.”

………………..

He found himself nodding or giving Cas a slight smile when they saw each other in the hallway after that. Cas didn’t seem that impressed by the momentary attention of a popular jock, and Dean didn’t know what to make of it.

………………..

Crowley didn’t seem to have any rhyme or reason when it came to choosing writers. He picked poetry and prose that spoke to him, and expected his students to somehow understand that. Half of the time Dean felt like he should be in a college lecture hall, the other half he was completely lost.

It was Cas who suggested that they go to the pond. 

………………..

“Aren’t we supposed to be here? Like seen sitting at this table?”

“Technically we are supposed to get you to pass English. Thoreau’s most famous work is probably ‘Walden’. He was a naturalist. I mean, he had a strong stance on abolishment and some people thought that he was an anarchist. But, in high school, they make us read his dreamy outdoorsy shit. I’m sick of sitting in this library so why not read dreamy outdoorsy shit outdoors?”

Dean just shrugged and followed Cas out of the library, looking back to see if anyone noticed. They crossed the parking lot and got into a generic compact car. “My older brother’s hand me down,” Cas smiled, starting the engine and driving them to the pond.

………………..

“So he spent two years, two months, and two days living in a cabin next to a pond?”

“According to the writings.”

Dean sighed, laying on the grass with his hands behind his head. He watched the lazy clouds, unable to remember the last time he’d felt this relaxed. “Okay, that one actually made sense to me. Seeing the things that should be seen. Hearing the things that should be heard. Basically making ourselves aware that there is beauty out there, it’s just been somehow camouflaged by everyday life. Escaping society, the gossip and backstabbing, and shallow bullshit. Feeling alone even when people are around. I get all of that. I’m laying here right now and everything else has just kind of fallen away. I mean, we choose how to view our surroundings, even if we’re indifferent, we’re choosing to be indifferent.”

Cas laid silently next to him and watched the same clouds.

Their hour had passed but they were caught up in their thoughts. “I’m guessing that Crowley isn’t going to want the jock babble version when he quizzes us on it?”

“Probably not,” Cas chuckled. “But, use it for your final project.”

“How?” Dean turned his head and looked at Cas.

“Dissect it. Show how it pertains to modern life, how sometimes the most simplistic things are what makes us the happiest. That living for sounds and sights, answering our own questions, deciding who makes us feel alone and who makes us feel important are all things that as human beings, we inherently long for. For the most part, society tells us what to want and we listen because we aren’t allowing ourselves to experience the silence.”

“How much more Thoreau do we have?” Dean asked quietly.

“Maybe a week, week and a half tops.”

“That’s too bad.”

………………..

Dean was stunned when Mr. Crowley set his quiz face down on his desk and he flipped it over. It was Thoreau and he’d aced it. Two more writers, the final, and his project was all that stood between him and his starting position on the team.

He was all smiles when he tracked Cas down in the hallway between classes and held the paper against the locker next to his, waiting for him to notice.

“You aced it?” Cas smiled. “I told you that you could do this.”

“It was Thoreau. I understood that shit.”

“Yeah,” Cas grunted, pulling his heavy backpack out of his locker. “But we still have two more to go and then the final.”

“And the project.”

“The project is not going to be a problem, Dean.” Cas shook his head and slammed his locker. “If you write the paper that we’ve talked about, Crowley will fucking frame it.”

“I’m not a writer, Cas.” Dean waved at a few of the guys and winked at the girls as he followed Cas to the parking lot. He got some strange looks, but they knew that he was being tutored. “I have the ideas in my head…”

“And they are good ideas. You just need to figure out how to put them on paper. Shit, lay by the pond and record yourself talking, then write that shit down.”

“What do you have going on?”

“Right now? Tonight? Life in general?”

“You are such a smartass,” Dean grinned when Cas started the engine. “Let’s go to the pond.”

“Dean, I give you a ride home because your house is on the way to mine and you don’t want to stand on the curb and wait for your mom every day. I don’t remember signing on as your chauffeur.”

“I’m not talking about being my chauffeur. I’m saying let’s.”

“And you don’t think that’s weird?”

“Why would it be weird?”

“Your friends…”

“What, I can’t consider you a friend?”

“I guess you can,” Cas shrugged. “But I can’t exactly see you asking Benny Lafitte if he wanted to go hang out at the pond.”

“That just goes back to what Thoreau said, kind of. I mean, I can be at a party. The football team, the cheerleading squad, every popular person at Lawrence High, and I can feel all alone. I can go somewhere with one person and feel like I’m somebody. Maybe I just want to listen and watch, and you are the only one who gets that.”

Cas silently drove, finally turning down the road that would take them to the pond. They left their backpacks in the car and laid on the grass until it started growing dark.

………………..

Cas came to a few football games at Dean’s urging, and didn’t enjoy himself but stayed for the entire thing. Dean went to a poetry slam in a coffee shop at Cas’s urging and spent the night transfixed. The kids at school would see them together in the halls or getting into Cas’s car, but Dean still ate lunch with his teammates and went out with the hot girls. Cas still ate lunch with the debate and drama teams and had a few dates with cute girls. That was their unspoken agreement and they were fine with it, until the night of Benny Lafitte’s first summer party.

………………..

“Castiel!”

“Yeah mom,” Cas yelled down the stairs.

“You have a phone call. You might want to tell your friends that it’s a little late to be calling.”

Cas looked at the clock and saw that it was only 10:00. He walked down the stairs and took the phone out of her hand, taking it back up to his room with him. “Hello?”

“Cas?”

“Dean? What’s going on?” In all of the months that they had known each other, Dean had never called him. He didn’t even know how Dean got his number.

“I need a favor.”

“Uh, okay. I’ll ask again, what’s going on?”

“I’m at Benny’s and I need to get out of here. I’m going fucking nuts.”

“Benny’s isn’t too far from your place. Are you sober enough to walk?”

“Yeah, probably. I don’t want to go home…”

Cas knew. “Do you want me to pick you up?”

“I don’t want to get you in trouble. I’m just, I don’t know, I don’t feel right.”

“Like sick?”

“No, just not right.”

“Okay, I’m going to have to sneak out…”

“I seriously don’t want to get you in trouble, Cas. Never mind, I can walk home. It’s not a big deal.”

“It’s a big enough deal that you had to find my number and call me at 10:00. I’ve never snuck out before, it will be an adventure. Meet me on the corner of Oak and 12th in about a half hour.”

“Okay. And Cas?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

Cas went downstairs and hung up the phone. He could feel his mother looking at him when he turned around. “A guy from the debate team in a panic. He was wondering if he had to get his registration paperwork in today before the school closed. I’m going to take a quick shower and just go to bed. It’s been a long week. Goodnight mom.” He leaned forward and kissed her gently on the cheek, just like they’d all been taught. “Goodnight dad,” he called into the living room before he slowly climbed the stairs, hoping that his ‘tired’ act was convincing. 

His shower took less than ten minutes. The crawl out of his window even less than that. He was happy that he’d parked on the street, a large tree blocking the view between his car and the front window of the house. He put it in neutral and pushed it to the corner before he got in and started the engine. It only took a few minutes to get to the Lafitte’s neighborhood and he found Dean standing on the corner. He got in the car and they drove silently.

………………..

“Can we be here this late?” Dean turned to Cas when he put the car in park and shut off the headlights.

“I don’t think that they bother to patrol it. It’s not a party spot. The parking lot is dirt. Worst case scenario, they tell us to go home.”

“Or they call our parents.”

“Well, we’re already here,” Cas smiled. “Might as well get out.”

They walked around in the dark, listening to the wind, listening to the leaves rustle, listening to the slow waves lap against the rocks and dirt. They looked at the half moon, at the way it’s reflection moved across the water. They looked at the dark outlines of the trees on the other side of the pond. Dean finally sat down and reached for Cas’s wrist, pulling him to the ground. They laid side by side, staring at the clear night sky.

“I don’t know why I feel alone. Maybe it’s the act. Trying to say and do what everybody else is saying and doing. Listening to gossip when you don’t really give a shit. Knowing that the only reason I was there is because I know how to put the right spin on a football. It’s fucking hollow, man. Beer chugging and jungle juice. Guys out back with a bong. People wandering around and hooking up. Girls that I barely know hanging on me. It’s a fucking joke.”

“And to a nerd like me, it’s how the other half lives.”

“At least you guys are honest. You don’t have to wake up every morning and put on the uniform. Not the football uniform, the popular guy uniform. 50% of me is looking forward to summer just because there’s no school, but 50% is looking forward to it because there is less bullshit.”

“There will be more parties, more dates, more time raising hell with the guys. You know that.”

“I’m not whining, Cas. At least I’m trying not to. It’s just that this, who I am, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. If I want to play football then I have to deal with all of the crap that comes with it. Never sit back and wish that you were popular, seriously. My group of friends, we’re all the same fucking person. Different sizes, different hair color, different eye color, but still the same person.”

“And you’d rather be here with me than at a party at Benny Lafitte’s?”

“Yeah. You’re not like them. You’re better. I don’t have to put on the front with you.” Dean sat up and took his letterman’s jacket off, throwing it across the grass. “There, now I’m not a varsity football player who’s cheeks hurt at the end of every day from smiling. I’m just Dean Winchester.”

Cas didn’t know what to do when he felt Dean reach for his hand in the dark. Dean had been drinking, but he had no excuse. “You keep me grounded, Cas. You don’t give a shit about any of that. You came to a few football games, but only because I asked you. You took me to a poetry slam and didn’t laugh at me. You didn’t even proofread my final essay because you believed that I could come up with the words, and I fucking did.” Dean pulled Cas’s hand to his mouth, and Cas let him. “When Coach Singer called me into his office, I felt like a stupid football player,” Dean said quietly. “When you brought me here and told me that I have the words, I just needed to figure out how to put them on paper, I felt like a regular guy.” Dean pressed his lips to Cas’s knuckles, and Cas let him. He turned Cas’s arm, pressing his lips to the inside of his wrist, and Cas let him. He reached for Cas and wrapped his arms around him, and Cas let him. They laid there, listening, knowing that it should be awkward, but it wasn’t. He closed his eyes when he felt Dean’s lips on his temple, his forehead, his cheeks, and finally his own lips. He let them part, their tongues slid together and Dean rolled on top of him, running his hand up the side of Cas’s face. His mouth moved along Cas’s jaw and down his neck, his fingers slid up Cas’s shirt and across the warm skin. Cas finally reached for Dean, moving his hands up his back, feeling the muscles beneath his palms, the knots in his shoulders against his fingertips. Dean had settled between his legs and their hips were gently rocking. It was painful against their zippers, but they ignored it. Dean wove their fingers together and held their hands against the grass above Cas’s head, kissing him deeply, feeling the moan build in his chest. Everything before this, every touch, every kiss, it had all been planned and expected. It all took place in somebody else’s bedroom or the back of a car. This, he could hear it, he could feel it, he wasn’t alone. Neither was ready to slide a hand between their bodies when Dean finally let go of Cas’s fingers. They slowly let the passion fade, breathing heavily, pressing their foreheads together. “That,” Dean whispered. “That felt real to me.” He rolled on his back and pulled Cas to him, looking at the stars and talked quietly about the things that he’d learned about constellations and mythology. Cas just listened, knowing that Dean needed someone to hear him. They finally realized that they’d been there for hours. Dean promised to help push the car back up Cas’s street and he would walk home from there. They stood up and brushed themselves off. They were halfway to the parking lot when Cas ran back and picked up Dean’s jacket. Dean threw it in the backseat instead of putting it on and they quietly drove back to town. 

Cas put the car in park and tried to catch his breath. He looked over at the dark house, at the trellis on the side, and hoped that it would hold his weight when he tried to climb up it to crawl back through his window. He felt Dean’s arms and let himself relax against the hard body. “I don’t think that either one of us knows what that was, but I know that you felt it, Cas.” Dean pulled his jacket out of the backseat and kissed Cas softly before he started walking down the sidewalk. Cas just watched him until he turned the corner and quietly climbed back into his bedroom. 

It wasn’t the last time that he would climb that trellis.

………………..

Cas pulled into the parking lot of Amelia’s dad’s store. He knew that Amelia had a little crush on him and for some reason, he wanted the attention. He grabbed a soda and a few candy bars before walking to the register. Her smile was sweet and the store was empty when she saw him. He’d always hesitated to ask her out because she seemed a little too eager, but she was cute and she liked him. She bagged his items without charging him and kept him at the counter talking. His summer plans, the movies that were playing, the upcoming debate team summer party. He wasn’t really interested in any of it. He knew that he had to go to the party, he was the President of the debate team, but the rest didn’t appeal to him. He finally smiled and said that he had to get going. He drove aimlessly around town, looking for help wanted signs. His parents wanted him to get a summer job, but most of them had already been taken. He ended up at the park, sitting on a swing eating candy.

“Do you come here often?” he heard the chuckle behind him.

“No,” he smiled and turned his head. “Only when I’m trying to get away with eating candy out of a bag at 17 years old. What are you doing here?”

Dean sat on the swing next to him facing the other way. “My little brother is at a birthday party. You see those little assholes throwing water balloons? He’s the really skinny one. He’s almost 14 but my parents still do the chaperone thing. My old man said that I could drive his ‘67 Impala, so here I am.”

Cas noticed that Dean was just wearing a thin t-shirt and jeans. Nothing bearing the lion mascot of Lawrence High. Maybe he was looking for it. Maybe he just wanted to see Dean Winchester and not the star football player. “What are you doing here?” Dean asked, interrupting his thoughts.

“Well, I started out telling my parents that I was going to look for a job. I made it about six blocks and didn’t see a single help wanted sign so I gave up and did the mature thing. Candy and soda. Want some?” He held the bag out and Dean dug through it, eventually finding something he wanted. Cas watched him start to slowly swing and smiled. The 17 year old King of Lawrence High School was swinging and eating candy at the park with the President of the debate team. 

“What are you doing tonight?”

“Well, considering that my house is extremely boring, I can guarantee that whatever it is will also be boring.”

“It can’t be that bad.”

“Let’s see. There are six kids, I’m the third. That right there just screams ‘miserable’. My little sisters are a pain in the ass, but luckily all three are going to a slumber party so at least it will be quiet. My oldest brother Michael will probably have his nose stuck in the bible.”

“The bible? Really?”

“Yeah. We’re Catholic. Like REALLY Catholic. At least they are. My mom gave up on trying to get me to go to Mass anytime other than Sunday, and even then she has to drag me. Michael wants to join the priesthood. And then there’s Gabriel. Chances are he’ll be out doing shit that he shouldn’t be doing.”

“Does he get caught?”

“Usually,” Cas chuckled.

“Well, that just takes the heat off of you if you ever decide to live dangerously. So what you’re saying is you will be sitting in a somewhat quiet house watching your brother read the bible.”

“Pretty much. Or I’ll be in my room listening to music.”

“What type?”

“Huh?” Cas turned his head.

“Music,” Dean grinned. “What type?”

“Shit that my mom hates. Rock. Mostly classic rock, some newer stuff. I’m not into the whole hairspray thing, but I can usually find a few good CD’s when I go to the music store.”

“Then you would love my collection. I have a shitload of rock CD’s. I’m talking well over 100. It annoys the fuck out of Sam when I sit in my room and turn it up. He got me headphones last Christmas, not very subtle.”

“Do you use them?”

“They’re still in the box,” Dean laughed. “He’s a pain in the ass. Too fucking smart for his own good though. Kind of like you.”

“I don’t know that I qualify as too smart for my own good,” Cas could feel the color climb up his neck.

“Hey, this dumb jock got a B- out of Crowley because of you.”

“No, you got a B- because of you. You struggled through a couple of quizzes, that’s it. You really didn’t need a peer tutor, just some motivation.”

“Well, I’m not complaining about the peer tutor. As enticing as a Novak evening sounds, if you want a break from it you should stop by and check out my music collection. Hell, keep giving me candy and I might even let you borrow some CD’s. Looks like the water fight is ending. I should probably get back over there. Give me a call or just show up. You know where I live, right?” Dean grinned.

“I’m guessing that it’s the house I spent months dropping you off in front of.”

“Very astute. Maybe I’ll see you later.”

Cas watched Dean walk away and felt like he should be wondering what he was going to do, but he already knew.

………………..

“Mom, Dad, this is Cas. He’s the reason that I passed English and the reason that you didn’t have to pick me up from school those last few months,” Dean smiled.

Cas was nervous when he shook John Winchester’s hand and nodded at Mary.

“We’re just going to chill in my room. He wants to check out some of my CD’s. Do not roll your eyes at me Sammy. You know that just makes me turn the volume up,” Dean called, turning his head to look at his little brother.

“I’m going outside,” Sam muttered, moving past them.

“Don’t go too far. Dinner will be ready in just a little while. You’re welcome to stay,” Mary turned her eyes on Cas.

“Uh yeah, maybe.”

“Okay, now everybody knows everybody. We’ll be in my room.”

Dean closed the door and slid a huge box out from under his bed. They sat on the carpet and started looking through his collection. “Do you have these in a specific order?”

“Why?”

“Because if I pull one out I don’t want to fuck it all up.”

“I can fix it later,” Dean laughed, leaning back against his bed. “What are you in the mood for? I have everything Ozzy from his new shit all of the way back to early Black Sabbath. I have Metallica, Led Zepplin, AC/DC, and my obvious weakness for cheesy arena rock.”

“It’s not a weakness or cheesy. I’ll admit, I listen to a little Survivor and Foreigner too,” Cas smiled.

“Okay, so pick your poison. We’ll wait until Sam comes back to crank it up.”

“Are you always this big of an asshole to your little brother?”

“Pretty much, but I figure it will toughen him up. He’s actually a good kid, just don’t tell him I said that.”

They leaned against the bed, the box of CD’s between them, taking turns picking the music until Mary knocked on the door to let them know that it was time for dinner. Cas looked at Dean and saw a subtle flicker of anticipation in his eyes.

“Um, let me call my mom and see if it’s okay.”

“Do you want to crash here?”

Cas looked uncomfortable and Dean waited until Mary walked away. “I didn’t mean...you know...it’s not…”

“No, I know. Sleeping bag on the floor, I get it. My mom will probably shit because I very rarely stay at anyone’s house.”

“Don’t you debate guys do anything?” Dean chuckled.

“We have a party coming up next week. It’s going to be amazing,” Cas laughed. “You should come.”

“Me showing up at a debate party. Now THAT would be funny.”

“Yeah, I think Amelia and Rachel would probably pass out if you walked through the door. Now explaining why you’re there would be complicated.”

“But to be a fly on the wall,” Dean grinned. “Now, do you want to call your mom? No pressure, just putting the invitation out there.”

“Yeah, sure.”

………………..

“Okay, your mom is a much better cook than mine.”

“Well, she feeds two kids. She deals with quality, your mom deals with quantity.”

“True,” Cas nodded.

“So, you in the mood for more tunes?”

“Always,” Cas smiled.

They sat on the floor and talked over the music, ignoring Sam when he pounded on the wall. Dean dug out an old sleeping bag but they just unzipped it all of the way and both laid on it after they turned out the light. They kept the music on, but turned the volume down when they could sense everybody getting ready for bed. They talked about everything and nothing. They laughed and joked. And this time it was Cas reaching for Dean’s hand. Their bodies wordlessly came together, and they were more bold. Cas was relieved that it was dark, he didn’t want Dean to see how average his body was, the lack of muscle tone when his shirt was pulled over his head. He tried to be quiet and not gasp when he felt Dean’s full lips cross his chest and pull a nipple between them to suck. He reached for the hem of Dean’s t-shirt and they were chest to chest, a fine sheen of sweat building between them. Cas’s body came alive under Dean’s hands and mouth, They kissed deeply, Cas timidly pulling away to run his lips across Dean’s neck. He heard the soft moan, he felt the pain when they rocked against each other, their hard cocks pressing against their jeans. He took a deep breath and slid his hand between them, eliciting a gasp. He adjusted himself and then closed his eyes and cupped Dean’s crotch, squeezing and letting him rock against his palm. “Have you ever? I mean with a guy?” Dean whispered. “No, you?” Cas’s voice shook. “Never,” Dean said quietly, reaching down to undo their pants. He freed their cocks and wrapped his hand around Cas’s shaft, sliding it slowly up and down. Cas trailed his fingers down the silky skin before he started gently stroking Dean. They held their lips together, absorbing each other’s moans and murmurs, kissing deeply, almost desperately when they came together on Cas’s stomach. They each waited until the other was limp before they let go and both laid on their backs, their chests heaving. Dean silently reached for a box of tissues and did what he could to clean them up. He found a pair of sweats for each of them and pulled his pillows off the bed and onto the sleeping bag. They laid in each other’s arms, kissing softly and trailing their fingers over the other’s skin, only moving to change CD’s. 

_“How many a man has dated a new era in his life by the reading of a book?”_ Dean whispered. Cas moved his body closer, unable to respond to the quote. They finally fell asleep like that, Cas’s last thought was that he hoped Dean had the type of family who knocked every time instead of just walking in.

………………..

“Mom said that breakfast is ready, asshole.”

Cas sat up and rubbed his eyes.

“Did she use those exact words?” Dean called at the closed door with a smile.

“Yes, yes she did.”

“Okay asshole, tell her that we’ll be right there.” Dean grinned at Cas, and pressed his lips to his forehead, his eyes reassuring, telling him that this wasn’t something they needed to talk about. 

………………..

Cas looked around the debate party and almost laughed when he thought about Dean Winchester walking into the reception hall. The room would fall silent and everybody would grow suspicious. They had all seen him with Dean during the school year, but they knew that he was Dean’s peer tutor. He still didn’t know how to feel about the things that had happened at the pond or when he’d spent the night at Dean’s house. He couldn’t imagine what anybody would think. Truth be told, Cas was a virgin. He’d made out in the backseat of his car, he’d even made his way up a shirt or two, but that was it. Nobody had ever touched him. He’d never felt somebody’s mouth on his body. He was confused. He was questioning his sexuality, he was questioning Dean’s, he was questioning both of their motives. But, that was only when he let himself think about it. Tonight was not a night to let himself remember. Tonight he was where he belonged and he was surrounded by his friends. He closed his eyes when he heard the pop music come on and he forced a smile while he walked around and talked. The forced smiled eventually became real, and his mind had stopped wandering.

………………..

He told people goodbye as they left and finished cleaning up. He looked around to make sure that everything was taken care of and walked out to his car. He stopped when he saw Dean leaning against it.

“Don’t worry,” Dean grinned. “Nobody saw me, your reputation is still intact.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Well, I seriously considered crashing it, but I didn’t want to ruin it. It’s your night, your thing. You’re the President now and that’s kind of a big deal,” Dean said sincerely. “Do you have a curfew?”

“Uh, not really,” Cas stuttered. “I mean not tonight. We didn’t really know how long this thing would go and I told my parents that I was sticking around to help clean up. You still didn’t explain what you’re doing here.”

Dean took a deep breath and looked around before dropping his head. “Honestly, Cas, I don’t know. I knew you’d be here. That’s the only reason that I can come up with. I was hanging out with Lafitte and a few other guys, but I didn’t want to be there. I wasn’t there, not completely. Instead of going home, I came here. I was wondering if you wanted to go to the park or something. Maybe even just give me a ride home. Or, I can walk. It really doesn’t matter. I just.” Dean lifted his head and looked into those blue eyes. “I can’t explain it because I don’t understand it. I just know that this is where I want to be right now,” he said softly.

Cas drove them to the park. He got out and sat on top of a picnic table while Dean sat on the bench between his legs. He was resting his chin on the top of Dean’s head, his arms draped around his neck, their fingers intertwined.

“Have you started applying to colleges?” Cas finally asked.

“We had a few scouts out last season. We’ll have more this season. I need to get my GPA up and see who might show some interest.”

“So you’re counting on a scholarship?”

“It’s pretty much the only thing that will get me out of Kansas. What about you?”

“I’m going big and applying to the Ivy League’s. Worst case scenario, they don’t accept me. There are a few other schools and I’m thinking maybe even MIT.”

“Scholarship?”

“We have six kids in our family…”

“Okay, stupid question,” Dean chuckled, playing with Cas’s fingers. “I’d love to end up somewhere like Texas or Florida. But at this point, I’ll take the best offer. I know that my mom is already freaking out about it, but we still have our Senior year.”

“And maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll be prom king,” Cas smiled, burying his face in Dean’s neck to keep from laughing.

“That’s not working, I can still feel you laughing, asshole. prom king, seriously?” Dean started laughing. “My goal for Senior year is to wear an ugly tux that matches my date’s dress and have entirely too many pictures taken before we squeeze 20 of us into one limo and wait, with baited breath, to find out who gets the plastic crowns and accolades.”

“Don’t forget the spotlight dance.”

“Ah yes, the oh so special spotlight dance. Wait, does this mean that you’ve been to prom?”

“I went to Junior prom.”

“Really?”

“Why do you sound so fucking surprised. Yes, Cas Novak actually had a date to Junior prom.”

“It’s not the getting the date thing that surprises me. I just can’t see you giving in to the high school bullshit.”

“I was talked into it, I went through the motions. Didn’t even try to make a move on the girl afterwards. It was lame, but I was sorry to see you lose Junior prom king to Benny Lafitte,” Cas laughed outright.

“Yeah, we brawled in the parking lot over that crown. Damn I wanted it. I’d spent all day prettying myself up, and for what?”

“Uh, so that every girl in the room would look at you.”

“Yeah, well it’s not as great as you think. Dating is all about rules and strategy. I mean, you can’t date one of your buddy’s ex’s unless they’ve been broken up for at least two months, or he’s already in another serious relationship. Even then, you should wait at least a month. Cheerleaders are always first choice. Drill team, dance team, and volleyball players make a good second choice. If we get a new girl and she’s hot, the sausage fest is on.”

“What happened with you and Lisa Braeden?”

“Me and Lisa,” Dean sighed. “Well, Lisa is beautiful and sweet. We got along, I was her show pony and I knew it. I mean things were okay. Apparently we made this perfect couple and I think we liked just being a part of that perfect couple more than we liked actually being together. I grew distant, she grew needy, I grew a set and said something, she ended up in the bathroom crying. Every girl in the school hated me for a couple of months, a few still do. I made sure to change my reputation to the ‘playing the field’ guy. Now they all think that I just want hook ups and most of them don’t try to be my girlfriend.”

“But they’ll hook up.”

“Some of them. Especially at parties. Everybody gets drunk, you hook up, everybody finds out about it but it’s okay because Dean Winchester isn’t relationship material, and everybody goes home happy.”

“I hate to say it, but it’s all kind of sad.”

“Why do you hate to say it? That’s why I called you from Benny’s. I see it as sad too. I mean they’re not bad people, but the politics and shit? You’re all supposed to like the same things, do the same things, wear the same things. Maybe I’m just not built that way. The only time I want to know that everybody around me is wearing the same thing is when I have my football uniform on. Other than that, I’ve just stopped giving a shit. Unfortunately, I have another year of it. I’d love to just go rogue, but I don’t think that Senior year is the right time to ‘find myself’. I’ll just suck it up for nine months and then watch this place fade in my rearview mirror. What about you?” Dean asked, turning around on the bench to wrap his arms around Cas’s waist and lean his head against his stomach.

“I don’t know,” Cas distractedly played with Dean’s hair and trailed his fingers across his neck. “My world is totally different. We don’t care about who dates who or who wears what. I mean one of us being seen hanging out with a varsity football player was about as scandalous as it gets. And even that wasn’t very scandalous. I was your peer tutor and everybody knew it. I’m not saying that we’re any better. We can be judgmental as hell.”

“Towards people like me?”

“Honestly, yeah. There’s a divide, but we coexist. I mean if Lisa stopped me in the hall to ask about an assignment, nobody would care. If you walked up to Amelia to ask her if she knows what’s on the lunch menu, it wouldn’t matter. If you took Amelia to prom, that’s when the world would stop rotating on it’s axis and the supernova would strike.”

“Maybe I should ask Amelia to prom,” Dean chuckled.

“Do you still take triple dog dares?”

“I haven’t been offered one in years, so I’d have to think about it.”

“Let me know when you figure it out.”

………………..

There was no desperation, no hunger. It was a need for comfort and understanding that brought them together. They talked and touched easily, it came naturally as if they’d known each other for a lifetime. Cas had quickly become Dean’s sanctuary. With Cas he felt real and he felt raw. He was exposed, but unafraid. In return, Cas was his to protect. Nothing would ever hurt Cas, Dean would always ensure that he was taken care of. It was a silent and unconscious understanding.

………………..

“Castiel! You have a phone call!”

“Just a minute Gabe, I’m coming.”

Cas got downstairs and took the phone from his brother. “It’s a fucking cordless phone. You could have brought it to me,” he hissed.

“Hey, I’m still trying to accept the idea that you have friends.”

“You are such an asshole.”

Gabe just smiled and raised his eyebrows before he walked away.

“Hello?”

“Okay, you and your brother are almost as funny as me and Sam.”

“Hey Dean,” Cas smiled. “What’s up?”

“Camping trip.”

“What?”

“My family is going on a camping trip.”

“That’s great. I’m very happy for you. And you called me because…”

“You’re invited.”

“I’m invited on your family’s camping trip?”

“Well, yeah. At least that’s what you’re going to tell your parents,” Dean laughed.

“You know that I have to be home by Saturday night?”

“Oh yeah, the whole church thing. So my ‘family’ will leave on Wednesday or Thursday. We’ll have plenty of time to get the good little Catholic boy home in time for Mass.”

“You are such an asshole,” Cas smiled into the phone.

“Believe it or not, you are not the first person to say that to me today and I haven’t even left my house.”

“So let me get this straight. Your family…”

“Meaning me.”

“Wants me to go camping with them?”

“Yes, I do.”

“You are crazy.”

“Which is part of what makes me such a joy to be around. Talk to the folks and call me back.”

“And what are you telling your parents?” Cas whispered.

“Camping trip with the guys. It’s not that complicated, Cas. You need to get better at this whole sneaky thing. Call me back.”

Cas heard the dial tone and set the phone down. He found mother in the laundry room. “Uh mom.”

“Yes Castiel?”

“So my friend Dean’s family is going camping and they have invited me.”

“Dean? Do I know Dean?”

“I spent the night at his house awhile ago.”

“Oh, that boy. Well, I’ve never met him or his family.”

“Mom, you let me stay at their house and I came home in one piece. His dad wants to go fishing,” Cas was winging it now. “It’s their first trip of the summer and they’re inviting a bunch of people.”

“So you’re going with a large group?”

“Yeah. By family I mean like aunts, uncles, and cousins.”

“You know that you need to be home by…”

“Saturday night, they know. They were thinking of leaving Wednesday or Thursday. So is it okay?”

“That’s fine.”

Cas was annoyed that Gabe was on the phone, so he sat down and watched a Disney movie with his sisters while he waited to call Dean back.

………………..

“Hey. Well, since it is a large family outing my mom said it’s fine.”

“Large family outing,” Dean chuckled. “So you had to increase the numbers so that you could increase your odds.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” Cas watched his mother walk through the living room.

“Oh, I love talking to people when their parents are around. You sure that you don’t want to tell her that the actual plan is just the two of us in the middle of the woods alone? I mean, I’ll stop and get a can of bear spray to protect us from harm, although I don’t think we have much of a bear problem.”

“Nope, that shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Oh, this is priceless. How much longer can I keep you on the phone? Seriously?”

“Wednesday afternoon would be fine.”

“Ah, Wednesday. An extra day to fight off the non existent bears with me. Okay, pick me up Wednesday. I’ll take care of a tent and food and all of that shit. Just pack clothes. Remember warm ones. It’s almost July but it can get fucking cold out there.”

“That sounds good. Tell your parents that I really appreciate it.”

“If my parents only knew…”

“Goodbye Dean.” 

………………..

“Do you need help setting that up Mr. Alpha Male?”

“No, I’m fine,” Dean grunted.

“You know, my parents did put me in boy scouts.”

“So did mine.”

Cas was trying not to laugh out loud when he sat on the log and watched Dean try to put together the small pup tent. “Okay, I’ll leave you alone and go do something useful. Did you bring a hatchet?”

“Are you planning on burying it in the back of my skull?”

“Would I tell you first if I was?”

“Good point,” Dean smiled. “It’s in that black bag over there.”

Cas found the hatchet and started wandering around, looking for firewood and tinder. He found a perfect log and had it split down the middle when he heard Dean’s voice.

“Okay, I hate to interrupt, but that is seriously hot.”

Cas dropped his head and felt the heat in his cheeks.

“I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I have this problem with keeping my mouth shut. I’m sorry. Go back to what you were doing.”

“Are you going to watch me?”

“Is that a problem?”

Cas smiled and suddenly felt bold. “Not at all.”

………………..

They got a fire going, grilled some food, had a radio with extra batteries, and Dean had been able to sneak a bottle of vodka out of his dad’s liquor cabinet. They leaned against a log, curled up in two sleeping bags that they’d zipped together to make one large one, and drank vodka laced juice.

“So, why camping?”

“Because up here, nothing else exists,” Dean said softly, tilting his head to look at the stars.

“That Thoreau thing really got to you, didn’t it?”

“Yeah, the whole thing really got to me.”

“Mr. Crowley’s English class?”

“No, asshole. Learning about Walden with you. We’re not by a pond, and I promise I won’t hold you here for two years, but we can just watch and listen. We can be here and not be alone.”

“There isn’t traffic driving by, or dogs barking, or little sisters yelling. There aren’t streetlights, or neighbors lamps shining through their windows. It’s so clear and quiet. I feel like I can see every star and hear the wind, even if I can’t feel it. It’s like the world has just fallen away.”

“That’s what I wanted,” Dean said quietly, turning his head to look into those blue eyes. 

Cas waited for the kiss. It was soft and gentle when their lips parted and their tongues moved together. They slid down into the sleeping bag on their sides, facing each other with their legs intertwined. Cas reached for the hem of Dean’s t-shirt, and let Dean reach for his, finally pressing the warm skin of their bare chests together while their hands moved lazily. It was easy and gradual, Dean’s mouth running across the sensitive skin of Cas’s neck, Cas rolling on his back. Dean’s lips moving down Cas’s body, softly sucking on a nipple, sliding across his stomach. His fingers pushed at the waistband of Cas’s sweats, kissing and nipping at the tender skin of his hips. They worked together, their sweats and boxers shoved to the bottom of the sleeping bag at their feet. Dean settled between Cas’s legs and his breath caught when he felt their hard cocks trapped against their bodies. Cas’s hands were roaming, digging, massaging when their hips started to rock, the velvet friction against the silky skin of their shafts and sensitive heads made it hard to breathe. Dean’s mouth trailed hotly across Cas’s neck and shoulders when he ran his hands down Dean’s sides, pressing them to the natural dip in his lower back. They were engulfed by sensuality as their bodies moved seamlessly, rocking in a natural rhythm. Their mouths came together when they felt the tightening in their stomachs, the throbbing between them. The kiss became deep, almost desperate when Dean slid his arms under Cas and gripped his shoulders. Cas lifted his hips and cried out when he felt the release, pressing his trembling thighs against Dean’s hips. Dean’s groan was almost guttural and they rocked slowly, feeling the sticky warmth spread across their stomachs. Their chests were heaving, Dean’s forehead resting on Cas’s shoulder, when their bodies finally stilled. Cas trailed his fingers lightly down Dean’s spine and felt the shiver. He wrapped his arms around Dean and they shared a long lingering kiss while their hearts slowing to a regular beat. Dean rolled on his back and reached for paper towels to clean them up as well as he could. 

“I’ve got wet wipes in my bag. I can go grab them,” he said quietly, throwing the wad of sticky paper towels into the fire.

Cas reached down and touched his stomach. “I’m fine. We can worry about it tomorrow.” 

They made no move to dig around the sleeping bag for their clothes, they just held each other close.

………………..

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“I get it. The listening, the watching, the not being alone. Maybe this is childish, I don’t know, but what about the rest of it?”

“You mean the…”

“Yeah. Part of me is confused, part of me isn’t, so half of the time I don’t know what to think.”

“Which part is confusing?” Dean asked quietly, touching his lips to Cas’s forehead.

Cas sat up and finished his drink, letting Dean make him another. “I guess I’m just questioning myself.” They leaned against the log, the low wind blowing across their sweaty bare chests, the rough bark pressing against their backs.

“Your sexuality?”

“Yeah. Mine and yours to be totally honest.”

“Well,” Dean said, leaning his cheek against Cas’s sweaty hair. “What is there to question? It’s happened and maybe it should feel weird or wrong, but it doesn’t. At least not to me.”

“I guess I just never expected it.”

“Maybe that’s the beauty of it. Neither one of us expected it. I’ll admit, I couldn’t stand you when I sat down at that table in the library, but you didn’t put up with my shit and that intrigued the hell out of me. You’ve never cared about the superficial stuff. I’ve never known anyone like you, Cas. I don’t have to pretend, I don’t have to watch what I say because I know that you aren’t going to judge me for having a different opinion or for loving poetry. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. I just feel like you see me, the real me. I’ve shared things with you that I haven’t shared with anyone else and this, touching you, it feels right. With everyone else there was always a reason. Play by the rules and win the hot chick as your prize. There is no reason to this, there are no rules, it just is. I’m not going to label myself. I’m not Dean Winchester is ‘insert sexuality here’. But I don’t want you to be confused or questioning yourself. If this needs to end, then it ends. I don’t want to lose you because this has gone too far. What do you need from me, Cas? Whatever it is, it’s yours.”

“I guess I just need to know that this means something.”

“Right now, it means everything. Now, I can’t guarantee that I’m going to take you to prom, I still have my eye on Amelia…”

“You are such an asshole,” Cas laughed, letting Dean catch his hand before he could smack him. Dean gently pressed his lips to the inside of Cas’s wrist and pulled his arm against his chest.

“I don’t know what this is, Cas. All I know is that I can’t imagine being anywhere other than in this sleeping bag with you in the middle of the woods. I don’t want you to think that it’s any more complicated than that.”

They didn’t get dressed, they didn’t move into the tent. They curled up in the sleeping bag with their arms around each other. Cas heard Dean whisper, _“A taste for the beautiful is most cultivated out of doors,”_ before pressing his lips to the back of his neck and falling asleep.

………………..

“Four amazing days in the woods and at this time tomorrow I’ll be sitting in Mass.”

“Is that guilt that I hear?”

“Surprisingly, no.” Cas shrugged, tilting the tin cup of strong coffee to his lips. He watched the morning embers, hearing Dean cleaning plates and utensils just outside of his periphery. “I know what they all believe, and that’s fine. It gives them something to hold on to, something to justify the things that happen in this world. I’m just there to avoid conflict.”

“Within the family I’m guessing?”

“Of course. All my mother can talk about is Mike leaving for the seminary. At least it takes the heat off of me and Gabe to try and be virtuous.”

“You don’t think that you’re virtuous?” Dean caught Cas’s eye and grinned. They’d spent their days hiking around, talking and laughing. Their nights in a sleeping bag learning each other’s bodies.

“In the eyes of my mother, no,” Cas smiled. “Well, actually I probably am, but if she knew the truth…”

“Well, I don’t suggest going home and telling her everything. But, if you find it necessary please warn me first. I don’t want a pissed off Mrs. Novak on my doorstep. I don’t know which would happen first, my mom fainting or my old man having a heart attack. Okay, that was just dramatic. It would definitely be my mom fainting.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Oh, I know so,” Dean smiled, pouring his own coffee and sitting down next to Cas. “Parents have expectations. Mine expect me to get a scholarship, meet a nice girl in college, get my degree, and either get a good job or get drafted into the NFL. I’m pretty sure that the old man is gunning for the NFL. What about your folks?”

“In a perfect world all three of the Novak boys would become priests. But, that’s not going to happen. At least Gabe is a big enough asshole to keep the attention off of me. So, their second choice is probably a scholarship, meet a nice Catholic girl in college and wait until we get married to have sex, but only to procreate of course, get a PhD, and then somehow use my nerdy ways to make enough money to take care of them in their old age.”

“But no pressure, right?”

“Right,” Cas grinned, leaning over for a quick kiss.

“So, what about Senior year?”

“What about it?”

“Do you have goals. I mean you’re President of the debate team. Is there anything else you want to accomplish?”

“Maintain my grade point average and stay under the radar until I have my diploma in hand. What about you?”

“Well, besides being crowned prom king,” Dean chuckled, “I just want to win games, get my grade point average up, and stay under the radar until I have my diploma in hand.”

“Dean Winchester is not going to stay under the radar. That’s not how high school works.”

………………..

Cas watched Dean walk into his house with all of the camping gear and pulled away from the curb. He didn’t want to go back to the noisy crowded Novak house, but that was his reality and he knew it. His mother saw the exhaustion on his face when he walked in the door and only asked eight or nine questions before she let him go upstairs to his room. He dropped his backpack, put his headphones on, and turned the music low before closing his eyes. He hadn’t even listened to a complete song by the time he fell asleep.

………………..

“Dinner at your house?”

“Yes.”

“With the entire family?”

“Yes.”

“Do we have to rent out a reception hall? Maybe have it outdoors?”

“No,” Cas laughed, offering Dean the bag of candy and gently moving the swing. “We have a big ass table. We could squeeze in one more. I spent the last term of the year giving you a ride home. I’ve gone camping with your ‘family’ twice. Instead of sticking around for the lame annual Novak family 4th of July BBQ I went to your house. And how many times have I spent the night?”

“Plus all of the times that you’ve snuck out of your house and rolled your car down the street in neutral.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know about that. I think she would have said something by now.”

“So your point is, your mom has decided that she wants to have this mystery friend over?” 

“I guess so. But, I can always ask her if you can spend the night.”

“Well that’s a motivating factor,” Dean grinned. “But the food is going to suck.”

“Compared to what your mom makes, yes. And you will be expected to eat a lot of it considering that you are a jock.”

“Fan-fucking-tastic,” Dean groaned. 

“Remember, motivating factor.” Cas smiled.

“My god you are horny,” 

“I am a red blooded 17, almost 18, year old male. I’m peaking.”

“Peaking? So it’s only going to get worse?”

“Or better, I guess that depends on whether or not you are a half empty or half full kind of guy.”

“You get one guess,” Dean chuckled, handing the bag back to Cas. “So, tomorrow night?”

“Yep. I’ll come pick you up around six.”

“I really need a car of my own.”

“You’re just waiting for your dad to give you his.”

“You really are smart,” Dean laughed.

………………..

“Dean, this is my mom and dad. That’s Gabe, feel free to ignore him. And these are the little brats.”

“Castiel!”

Dean turned and looked at Cas. “Castiel?” he whispered.

“You never asked so I never offered up the info,” Cas whispered back.

“They don’t look like brats,” Dean squatted down. “I think they’re beautiful. So, what are your names.”

“I’m Hannah.”

“I’m Anna.”

“Don’t say it…” Cas bent down and whispered in Dean’s ear. Dean held back laughter when he turned to the youngest sister.

“I’m Sarah.”

“Well hello, Hannah, Anna, and...Sarah. I’m Dean.” He held his hand out and let them each shake it. He stood up and turned around, his mouth right next to Cas’s ear. “Let me guess, you get in trouble if you call her…”

“Yes.”

“Okay, no fruit references. Understood.”

“You’re the starting Quarterback at Lawrence High.”

“Uh, yeah.” Dean turned and looked at Gabe.

“And yet you hang out with Castiel,” Gabe smirked.

“Actually, Cas is the reason that I’m the starting Quarterback at Lawrence High. He helped me get a B- out of Mr. Crowley.”

“Crowley is still there? That guy was such a pain in the…”

“Gabriel!”

“Neck. I was going to say neck, mom.”

“Are you ready to sit down and eat?”

Dean nodded at Cas’s mother and sat down, surprised when Sarah reached for his hand. Even more surprised when Cas reached for his other hand. He lowered his head and listened to them say grace before they started passing around platters and bowls. He ate as much as he could, but was starting to understand why Cas spent so many nights having dinner at his house. He finally pushed his plate forward slightly and leaned back in his chair, signaling that he was full. The girls were excused from the table and he waited for the football questions.

Yes, they had a good team this year. Yes, they had a decent chance of making it to state. Yes, he was being scouted. He was polite and had that grin that won people over. His offer to help clean up garnered a smile and permission to spend the night.

………………..

Dean held Cas’s body against the door and kissed him almost desperately. He was starting to grow hard when he reached down and cupped Cas through his pants. “Okay, wait a second,” Cas panted. “Where in the hell did that come from?”

“I sat at that table while your father said grace, this house has a cross or cross stitched bible verse in almost every room, and you were actually named after an angel. It is sacrilegious and I’m probably going to burn in hell, but I want to do some seriously sinful things to your body right now.”

“Dean,” Cas chuckled. “Everybody is still awake, even the girls. I’m all for taking risks, but this is too risky.”

“Okay,” Dean said, breathing heavily and pulling away. “But when I start hearing bedroom doors shut…”

“Let’s just listen to some music for now.”

“If we listen to music, how am I going to hear the bedroom doors shut?”

“You’ll know,” Cas smiled.

………………..

They had pulled the blanket over their nude bodies and Dean had his face buried in Cas’s neck. “Have you ever thought about…”

“What?” 

“You know, taking this further.”

“You mean like all of the way?”

Dean lifted his head and looked into Cas’s eyes. “Yeah.”

“I’ve thought about it.”

“And…”

“Uh, it will hurt.”

“Well yeah, it’s like taking a girl’s virginity. I’ll be careful, I’ll go slow.”

Cas leaned back against the pillows and sighed. He’d thought about it, he’d thought about it a lot. He’d looked it up on the computer when nobody was home and then erased his browsing history. “You know what a prostate is, right?”

“When did this turn into an anatomy lesson? I’m seriously going to go limp if we start talking science.”

“I’m just saying that...uh...supposedly it’s sensitive and makes it so that…”

“How do you know this?”

“Sex ed.”

“I took sex ed and I never heard anything about a prostate.”

“We must have had different teachers.”

“Okay fine, I won’t question your source. Are we done talking about science?”

“I guess so,” Cas chuckled nervously.

“We don’t have to do this, Cas. I just..I want to be as close to you as I can. I want to know how it feels to be inside of you. But, I get it if you’re not ready.” 

“No, we can. Just grab the lube out of my nightstand and go slow.”

“You have lube?”

“What, you don’t?”

“Nah, I go rough and all natural when I...never mind.” Dean sat up and opened the nightstand drawer, reaching for the small bottle. “I have no idea what I’m doing, so tell me if it hurts too much.”

They kissed deeply and Cas slid his pillows under his hips. He closed his eyes when he heard the cap on the plastic bottle open and gasped when he felt Dean’s finger slide across his hole. He took a deep breath and spread his legs wide, feeling Dean’s mouth on his neck when he slipped the first finger in. Cas held his breath, but relaxed and pulled Dean to him for a kiss, groaning when he felt the pain of the second finger. “Do you need me to stop?” Cas just shook his head and pressed their lips together. It felt like an electric shock and his body arched when Dean’s fingertip skimmed the spot inside of him. Dean grinned and rubbed, listening to Cas’s quiet moans and murmurs. The pulling and stretching was painful, but Dean tried to be gentle, kissing and nipping, letting his other hand roam Cas’s body. He held Cas’s legs apart and buried his slick cock deep. It was a white hot pain, and Cas pulled his bottom lip between his teeth to keep from crying out. He felt Dean’s hands run across his chest and down his stomach, his fingers wrap around his shaft and slowly stroke. He was trying to relax when Dean angled his hips and his cock pressed against it. It was a pain and pleasure that Cas didn’t know existed. He rocked his body slowly, ready for Dean’s gentle thrusts. Dean was holding back, trying not to come too soon when they started moving. He let go of Cas and leaned forward, pressing their bodies together, trapping Cas between them. He intertwined their fingers and held their hands against the mattress. He was too close, he couldn’t let Cas touch him. They rocked slowly, kissed passionately, and moaned against each other’s lips. It was a fluid rhythm that had Dean on the edge. He needed to feel the throbbing against his stomach. He needed to feel the deep moan against his chest. He pressed their bodies as close as he could, his warm sweat slicked skin sliding across Cas’s cock. He felt the tightening and the trembling. He didn’t know if it was him or Cas but he couldn’t stop it. His final thrust was hard and he was worried until he felt the sticky warmth and watched Cas bite his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. They were sweaty and shaking when Dean let his body sink against Cas’s and felt the quivering arms wrap around him. “Did I hurt you?” Cas was still breathing heavily, unable to speak. “Okay, that was a stupid question,” Dean whispered, running his hand up the side of Cas’s face, caressing his cheek with his thumb. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Cas’s voice shook. “I uh...yeah, I’m okay.”

“Are you sure.”

“I’m sure.” 

Dean kissed the bruised and swollen lips softly, building to a slow passion. He finally leaned back and they locked eyes. “You know how much you mean to me, right?”

Cas just nodded and tried to smile.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Dean, I expected it. It’s okay. It wasn’t as bad as I thought.”

“The pain or the…”

“The pain. The other part was better than I expected.”

Dean finally grinned and kissed him gently, pulling out and rolling on his back. He reached for the box of tissues and cleaned up the mess, burying them under some papers in the garbage can, and put the bottle of lube away. He rolled on his side, and pulled Cas against him. “Don’t let me fall asleep like this. I know that I need to be fully dressed and in that sleeping bag by morning.”

“It’s not my responsibility to keep you awake,” Cas smiled.

“How am I supposed to sleep like five feet away from you fully dressed? Especially after that?”

“I don’t know,” Cas said quietly. “But you sound like you’re about halfway there, so we should probably find our clothes.”

Dean whined quietly as they got dressed and they shared a long slow kiss before he crawled into the sleeping bag and Cas turned off the lamp.

………………..

Cas was mindlessly sorting through Dean’s box of CD’s. He wasn’t even looking at them. “School starts next week,” he said quietly. He was confused and disheartened. He’d had Dean’s undivided attention for most of the summer. They’d spent most nights together. Whether is was camping, parent approved sleepovers, or Dean climbing up the trellis. They spent time at the pond and hung out at the park. He knew that it would end, but he wasn’t ready for it.

“Thanks for the newsflash.”

“God you are pissy.”

“I know,” Dean said quietly, running his hands up his face. “I’m just not looking forward to the bullshit.”

“It’s not like you’ve steered completely clear. Football practice started a couple of weeks ago. You’ve still hung out with Benny and the rest of the braintrust.”

“Yeah,” Dean chuckled, pulling Cas to him for a kiss. “But not as much. They’re going to want to jump right back into jock mode and I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Sure you can. We’ll just spend the weekend dumbing you down,” Cas smiled.

“God you are an asshole,” Dean laughed, pushing Cas gently to the floor, straddling him and holding his arms down. He bent for a kiss, rocking his hips and grinding until he felt Cas grow hard. He sat up, rolled off, and started silently looking through his music.

“And I’m the asshole,” Cas scowled. “I can’t believe that your parents are actually gone until Saturday.”

“I can’t believe that you talked your parents into letting you stay.”

“My parents love you.”

“Well, as fun as the next couple of days sound, remember that my folks left the 14 year old monster behind.”

“Yeah, but when has Sam ever bothered us?”

“When we turn the music up,” Dean grinned. 

“So we won’t turn the music up.”

“That’s like saying we’ll keep our hands to ourselves. Sam won’t really be here. He’s never home during the day and now that he has a computer in his room, he rarely comes out. I can’t decide if he’s in there looking up nerdy shit, or if he’s staring at porn.”

“Do you really want to know?” Cas laughed.

“No, no I don’t. There are some things that brothers do not need to know. Let’s order pizza and listen to the music too loud.”

………………..

Dean went limp and rolled onto his back, his chest still heaving. He looked over at Cas and smiled. He’d only been inside of him a few times, but it got better each time. Cas looked dazed, but satisfied. Dean reached for his hand and pulled it to his lips. “Guess what?”

“Don’t ask me to guess what right now,” Cas chuckled.

“My parents are gone and so we have a clean up option that is a 100% guarantee.”

“The shower?” Cas finally turned his head.

“Yep. All to ourselves. Let’s go.”

“What about…”

“He’s staying at his friend’s house. Quit being so fucking paranoid and let’s go jump in the shower. We’ve never done it before.”

Cas let Dean grab his hand and pull him up from the sleeping bag on the floor. Even though they were alone, they hurried down the hallway. Dean’s hands were tender when he soaped up Cas’s body. He knew that it was getting better, but he also knew that Cas still felt it for a day or two after. They laughed and kissed, finally drying off with the thick towels before wrapping them loosely around their hips and opening the door to let the steam out. They started down the hallway but Cas stopped in his tracks, Dean bumping against his back.

“Oh hey,” Sam smirked.

“I thought you were staying at a friends,” Dean tried to keep his voice calm.

“I was but he got in trouble so I came home.”

“So uh...we were just…”

“Seriously Dean? My bedroom is next to yours and I’m not stupid.”

“Are you going to say anything?”

“To who? Mom and dad? Guess what? Dean is fucking Cas, that’s why he’s here all of the time. No, I’m not going to tell mom and dad or anyone else. I really don’t give a shit what you do. I just wish you’d be a little quieter when you do it.” Sam turned to walk into the kitchen. “Is there any pizza left?” he called. 

“Yeah, it’s in the refrigerator. Take what you want.”

“Thanks. But seriously, bring it down a notch, please.”

“We’ll try, Sammy,” Dean tried not to laugh at the mortified look on Cas’s face. “Just go into my room and we’ll get dressed.”

………………..

“Okay, so your brother knows.” Cas had been pacing for the last 20 minutes.

“And he won’t say a word. Worst case scenario, he blackmails me. Now we know that you have to be quieter when you come.”

“Oh yeah, because I’m the noisy one.”

“Yes you are, and I love it,” Dean smiled. “Now stop pacing and let’s go in the living room and watch a movie.”

“But your brother...”

“I didn’t say let’s go get naked. I said let’s watch a movie. Apparently we don’t have to sit on the opposite ends of the couch when he’s home.”

………………..

Dean looked around the library, groaned, and dropped his head in his hands. “This really sucks.”

“We’re only a few weeks into the school year and you’re already miserable?”

“It’s school, Cas. I got to used to having, I don’t know, freedom over the summer.”

“So what you’re saying is that we’re in the library pretending like I’m tutoring you when what you really want to do is throw me down on this table and have your way with me?” Cas whispered, holding back his laughter.

“Well there’s that, but then there’s all of the bullshit. I’m already sick of Lafitte and the rest of those guys. It’s going to be a long fucking year.”

“Well, open a book and let’s pretend like we’re doing something productive. Or even better, open a book and we’ll actually do something productive. You need to get your GPA up. At least you like your tutor.”

“Yeah, he’s a pretty likable guy,” Dean finally smiled. “Now, biology…”

………………..

Dean was just closing his locker when he saw the beautiful blonde standing there. It was Jo Harvelle, a Junior member of the drill team. Most of his friends had asked her out, he’d considered asking her out, but it was common knowledge that her parents were strict. She hung out with them, ate lunch at their table sometimes, but she was off limits and they all knew it. “Uh, hey Jo.”

“Dean, can I talk to you?”

“Sure, what’s going on?”

“Not here,” her eyes darted. “I need to like ‘talk to you’ talk to you.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Not really,” she sighed, “but I think you could help me.”

“Uh, okay,” Dean said quietly. “So where?”

“Meet me in the parking lot after school. I’ll give you a ride home.” She turned to walk away before he could tell her that he already had a ride. He didn’t have time before the second bell to track down Cas. He would just get a note to him.

………………..

Cas was at his locker when Dean walked past and casually pressed something to the palm of his hand, not stopping or making eye contact. Cas felt the note and he shoved it in his pocket. He pulled it out during his math class.

 _Cas,_  
_I don’t need a ride today, I’ll explain later._

_D_

It seemed simple enough, but strange. Cas folded it up and put it in his backpack.

He was walking across the parking lot with his keys in his hand when he saw Dean get into Jo Harvelle’s car. He tried to ignore the small pang in his chest when he slid behind the steering wheel and went home.

………………..

“Okay, the coffee shop that will be full of kids from school isn’t exactly where I thought we’d end up. You seemed like you needed to have one of those ‘pull me aside and talk to me alone’ kind of talks.”

“I do, but doing it here makes sense,” Jo smiled, looking around the shop. “I’ve heard a few things and I thought that maybe we could help each other out.”

“Uh, okay,” Dean said slowly. “You’ve heard things?”

“Yeah. I mean not lot, but I heard some of the guys talking about how you disappeared over the summer. I guess Benny and them thought that you were just being an asshole, but they noticed that you’re being tutored again.”

“Benny said this?”

“It’s just a couple of people talking to each other, that’s all.”

“I’m being tutored because I have to get my GPA up before the scouts start showing up to games. Cas tutored me last year and so they put us together this year.”

“Dean,” Jo said quietly, reaching out to put her hand over his. “I don’t give a shit why you have a tutor or who it is. I really don’t care what you do. But, if any of it is true, I can help you.”

“Oh wow,” Dean chuckled, running his hand across his forehead. “So now there are rumors that I’m…”

“No, not really. But you know how this school is. I know what my reputation is. I have strict parents and nobody wants to deal with that shit, so I’m off limits.”

“Yeah, and?”

“My parents aren’t that strict, Dean. I date, just nobody from around here.”

“Why nobody around here? I mean I get that most of the guys are assholes…” Dean looked at Jo and suddenly realized what she was trying to say. “You mean that you’re…”

“Yeah, and if you tell anybody I will hurt you.”

“Okay, no reason for threats,” Dean smiled. “I’m not going to tell anybody.”

“I didn’t think you would. I think that you have secrets of your own.”

“Maybe I do, but that’s my business.”

“Right, which is why I said that I don’t care what you do. But, don’t you think that maybe the starting Quarterback and a member of the drill team make sense?”

“Wait, so you’re saying that we should…”

“I’m saying that I think we’d stop a lot of rumors from starting if people knew that we are just regular straight high school kids,” she winked.

“And you think that I need this because?”

“Takes one to know one? Been there?”

Dean leaned his head back looked into Jo’s eyes. “Shit, is this a joke? I mean did Lafitte or Lisa Braeden put you up to this?”

“Do you really think that I would take part in a joke with Benny Lafitte or Lisa Braeden? I’m trying to avoid dealing with them. I’m just inviting you to every stupid dance that we have to go to and offering you an explanation for what you did over the weekend. We keep our stories straight, we will be fine.”

“Let’s pretend that I’m taking this seriously. If I say yes, then I walk out of this coffee shop with a girlfriend, but it’s all for show?”

“Exactly,” Jo smiled. “You may have to throw your arm around me or hug me once in awhile, maybe hold hands in the hallway. I think that you can explain the situation to whoever you need to and they’ll understand. I am honestly tired of all of the girls trying to talk me into sneaking out of my house to go hang out with guys. It helps us both. We plan ‘dates’, we don’t kiss and tell, and we keep it between us. Well, and maybe one or two other people.”

“Wait, someone at Lawrence?”

“Yeah,” Jo blushed.

“Who?” Dean chuckled.

“Pay attention and you’ll figure it out. So, deal?”

“Sure,” Dean took a deep breath. “But I swear to god if you are fucking with me…”

“If they wanted to fuck with you, Dean, they would not choose a Junior member of the drill team to do their dirty work. They’d be stupid and go higher on the food chain.”

………………..

“Castiel!”

“I’m coming,” Cas groaned, running down the stairs. “Jesus Christ, like it will kill you to bring the phone to me,” he growled, pulling it out of Gabe’s hand.

“Castiel! Do not take the Lord’s name…”

“I’m sorry mom.” He rolled his eyes and pulled the phone to his ear. 

“Cas…”

“Oh hey, what’s up?”

“Can you hang out tonight?”

“I’m not sure, Dean. I know that we have a quiz on chapter six tomorrow. If you think that we need to go over it again…”

“Ah, so the parents are around. At least this whole tutoring the football player thing works. Actually, it really does work because I’m feeling pretty good about chapter six. But, that’s not the point. Can you hang out?”

“I’ll ask my mom, but I guess we could to the library. Hang on.”

Dean heard the sound of Cas putting his hand over the phone and a muffled conversation. “Uh yeah, my mom said that’s fine. I can pick you up right after dinner.”

“Ah, a Novak dinner,” Dean laughed

“Yeah, it has been awhile since you’ve been over for dinner.”

“Don’t do this asshole.”

“My mom just said that you should come over this weekend. Michael will be here.”

“I seriously fucking hate you right now.”

“Okay, I’ll pick you up in a couple of hours. Ask your parents about this weekend.”

“I swear to god if you couldn’t do that one thing with your…”

“Goodbye Dean.”

………………..

“So, where to?” Cas smiled when Dean got in the car.

“The pond.”

“The pond? It’s that serious?”

“Just because I want to go to the pond does not mean that I have anything serious to say. We haven’t been there in awhile and I want to see it.”

“Okay,” Cas shook his head and put the car in drive. “I guess we’ll go to the pond.”

………………..

They walked about a quarter of the way around and into the small clearing that they had stumbled upon during the summer. They could lay there without being seen, not that anyone else ever came to the pond.

“So what’s up?” Cas said quietly, laying next to Dean with his hands behind his head.

“I have a girlfriend.”

“And you didn’t want to come here to talk about something serious…” Cas said quietly.

“I talked to Jo Harvelle today. I guess she’s heard a few things about me. How I wasn’t around much this summer, that I’m still being tutored.”

“Okay,” Cas said slowly. “And…”

“Apparently Jo has some secrets that she’d like to keep.”

“Secrets?”

“You know, her reason for not dating.”

“But her parents are strict. Stricter than mine.”

“That’s what she tells everyone.”

“Wait,” Cas said, sitting up slowly. “So Jo Harvelle…”

“Yep. Neither one of us came right out and actually said the words, but she thinks that we could help each other out. Dances, fake dates, shit like that. We did agree on an occasional hug or hand holding as long as it would be noticed by the right people.”

“So she offered to be your…”

“She offered to let me experience my Senior year my way and in return her friends will stop trying to talk her into sneaking out to meet guys and shit. It’s a win/win.”

“That kind of came out of nowhere.”

“Tell me about it,” Dean smiled. “At first I thought that maybe Benny or Lisa put her up to it, but she brought up a good point. She’s a Junior on the drill team, if they were trying to fuck with me they’d go higher on the food chain.”

“So how do you explain the girl with the strict parents suddenly dating?”

“She’s finally 16 and I’m a super nice and likable guy so her parents trust me.”

“They’ve obviously never met you,” Cas chuckled, relieved when Dean pulled him down for a kiss. “So you have a girlfriend,” he murmured, laying his head on Dean’s chest.

“Yep,” Dean said softly. “I have someone to hang out with on the weekends. Someone who means a lot to me.”

“Lucky girl,” Cas smiled.

“Nah, I’m the lucky one.” Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and pressed his lips to the top of his head.

………………..

“So you’re really going out with Jo Harvelle?”

“Yeah,” Dean panted, looking at Benny while they ran laps in the gym. “Why?”

“I thought that she couldn’t date.”

“Apparently she can now.”

“And you just up and decided to ask her out hoping that her dad would be cool with it.”

“No. Her and I got to talking one day and she gave me her number. I called her and it just kind of went from there. Her parents had this big hang up about her being at least 16 before she went on a date. I did the whole bullshit meeting her dad thing, and we went out.”

“You went through all of that just for a chance at a hot virgin?”

“Well, I’ve either already dated, hooked up with, or been hated by every other hot chick in this school. How are things with Lisa, by the way?” Dean knew that it was a low blow, but he was getting tired of the questions.

“They’re great,” Benny grinned. “She said she’s never had it better in bed.”

“Yeah, well we never really used a bed. Try it in her basement or in the backseat of her dad’s car and let me know what she says.”

“You’re a real asshole, Winchester.”

“Yeah, I definitely can be.”

They stopped running and picked up their water bottles, wiping the sweat from their brows with the back of their hands. 

“It’s a good thing that Jo’s dad changed his mind. People were starting to wonder about you.”

“Oh yeah?” Dean chuckled. “People were starting to wonder about me. Why? Because I didn’t spend the summer drowning in jungle juice and fucking girls that I’ve either already fucked or don’t want to fuck?”

“Because you spend so much time with that peer tutor. There’s no school in the summer, Winchester. You didn’t need help with any classes.”

Dean could feel the tension, he was ready for a fight. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m just saying that you spend a lot of time with that kid and you can’t tell me that when I drive past the park and see you sitting with him in the middle of summer that he’s tutoring you. Or were you tutoring him?”

Dean lunged and took Benny to the ground. He got in two swings before he was pulled back.

“So, you like being on top eh?” Benny smiled

“Fuck you, Benny.”

“I don’t think I’m your type.”

“Winchester, hit the showers. Lafitte, in my office.”

“He came at me, Coach. Why in the hell am I in trouble?”

“I didn’t say that Winchester ain’t in trouble. But I also know that you’ve got a big mouth. Now get your ass in my office and Winchester, get your ass out of my gym.”

“Hey Dean, next time you lie to your parents and tell them that you’re with me...you might want to let your little brother know.”

………………..

Dean jogged to where the Freshman lockers were and looked for Sam. He finally found him and dragged him out the nearest door.

“Dean, I’m going to be late.”

“I really don’t give a shit, Sam. Why did Benny Lafitte tell me that the next time I lie to mom and dad and tell them that I’m with him, that I should let you know too?”

“I don’t know.”

“Sam…”

“I ran into him when you went camping the first time. He asked where you’d been and I told him that I thought you guys had all gone camping. That’s it. It’s before I knew for sure about you and....”

“Shit!”

“I didn’t know…”

“No, I know Sammy. It’s not your fault.”

“Did he say something?”

“Yeah. I uh, let’s just say that I have to meet with Coach Singer after school and I’m looking at possible detention. Fuck!”

“Wait, you got in a fight?”

“He fucking called me out in the middle of gym class.”

“But everybody thinks that you’re dating Jo Harvelle.”

“Yeah, I know.” Dean lifted his head and ran his hands down his face. “I’ll tell mom that it’s my fault that you were late to sixth period,” he said distractedly. “Coach Singer will probably call and tell her that I was in a fight so she won’t really give a shit if you have a tardy. I uh, I’ve got to go.”

Sam watched his brother walk away and hitched his backpack higher on his shoulder, shaking his head. He felt bad for Dean. He knew that things would probably get worse before they got better. 

………………..

“Dean!” Jo reached out and grabbed Dean’s arm.

“Jo, now is seriously not the time to stage a lovers quarrel in the hallway,” Dean hissed.

“This isn’t staged. Why in the fuck did Lisa Braeden come up to me today and tell me that it’s too bad you can’t grow a beard, that you had to go out and find one?”

“Fuck! Okay, apparently there are a few questions floating around. My fist had a conversation with Benny about it in gym.”

“So they know?”

“Not about you. I just wasn’t careful enough over the summer I guess. I don’t know. Shit, I don’t waste time thinking about what other people are doing, I didn’t think they’d really give a shit about me. I’ll find a way to fix this, Jo. I’m not going to let it affect you or Cas. Now, hug me and kiss me real quick. Make it look like you are comforting your boyfriend after a fight and then I have to get to Coach Singer’s office.”

Jo hugged him and kissed him so softly that neither one of them really felt it. He shook his head and walked back towards the gym.

………………..

Dean felt safe. Laying his head on Cas’s stomach while Cas ran his fingers through his hair was probably the only thing that would make Dean feel safe. He was tense and on edge, and he knew it.

“So you got three days of detention but he isn’t benching you?”

“He can’t afford to bench me, not this late in the season.”

“And how did you get through all of this without getting grounded?”

“My mom was pissed, but my old man pulled the ‘boys will be boys’ card and let it slide. I seriously just wanted to fly under the fucking radar this year. Show up, do what I need to do, and live my life. If people want to talk shit about me, fine. I really don’t care. But I’m not dragging you and Jo down with me.”

“Dean,” Cas chuckled. “Drag me where? I didn’t really have a reputation to begin with. I’m a nobody at that school and I’m fine with it. And Jo, yeah it sucks but she can just fall back on the strict parent thing.”

“Not when she’s been supposedly dating me for months.”

“Well, maybe her parents will revisit their former rules if she goes through a break-up.”

“Yeah, but I’m supposed to be helping her out as much as she’s helping me. You know, I’m still trying to figure out who her girlfriend is. I mean, she pegged us right away, but apparently it wasn’t that hard.”

Cas tried not to react. He’d never thought of Dean as his boyfriend. He’d never tried to define what was going on between them. Dean was his best friend and when they were alone, Dean was his first lover. “Can I tell you something?” he asked quietly.

“Of course, you can tell me anything, Cas. What’s going on?”

Cas took a deep breath and tilted his head back, still running his fingers through Dean’s hair. “I’m a virgin. I mean I was. I don’t know how this all works but…”

“Wait,” Dean sat up slowly. “You’ve never…”

“Some make out sessions in the backseat, got to second base a couple of times.”

“Oh, wow,” Dean said quietly, running his hands up his face.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, no I’m glad you did. I just thought that you, you know. I mean you seem to know what you’re doing, you really seem to know what you’re doing.”

“I figured that neither one of us really did, that we were both just kind of winging it. Was this something that you didn’t want to know?”

“No, I’m glad you told me,” Dean pulled Cas into his arms. “I just, I don’t know, It’s makes it all a little more…”

“Yeah, I know,” Cas whispered.

………………..

Dean saw the looks and heard the murmurs when he walked down the hallway. It seemed like half of the school was sizing him up, and the other half was looking away. He still sat at the same lunch table every day surrounded by people that he didn’t like, but at least he had Jo to talk to quietly while they ate. Jo, Cas, Sam...that’s all he had, and he tried to keep it as far away from Sam as possible.

Football season was over. They’d survived the Winter Formal. Dean knew that their big mistake was not going to very many parties or being seen around town together. He saved those nights. He made a little money doing odd jobs and took Cas to dinner at restaurants that the other kids never went to. Cas snuck out and rolled his car down the street so that they could see midnight movies. Dean would help him roll his car back up the street and follow him up the trellis, always emerging before the sun came up so that he could jog home and sneak back into his own house. Sam did him a silent favor those nights. He unlocked the front door after their parents went to bed. In return, Dean starting using the headphones when he listened to music alone. Dean knew that they were all on a precipice, he felt it every day. He just wanted to school year to end and he wanted the bullshit behind him.

………………..

Cas saw the note fall out of his locker and land on the floor. He hurried and picked it up before anyone saw it. 

_Cas,_  
_I have to meet with Jo after school. She’ll give me a ride. I’ll call you._

_D_

………………..

The drive to the coffee shop was silent. Dean kept looking at Jo out of the corner of his eye, but her face was almost expressionless. They found a booth and he finally got her to look at him.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

Dean saw her eyes brimming with tears and he reached across the table for her hand. “Jo, what’s going on?”

“It’s over.”

“What? Us? Our deal?”

“Me and Charlie.”

“Charlie? Charlie Bradbury?”

“You seriously didn’t figure it out?”

Dean felt like an asshole. All of the pretenses and he’d never really paid attention to what Jo did. But, it made sense now. All of the times that Charlie had walked away when he showed up at Jo’s locker and threw his arm around her. The look in Charlie’s eyes when she saw them holding hands. The fact that she was always in their periphery. “No, but it makes sense. I’m sorry, Jo. Is it because of this?”

“No,” Jo sniffled. “I don’t think so. She’s a Senior, she’ll be leaving for college at the end of the summer and I’ll still be here. I think that she’s afraid of the long distance thing and wanted to break it off before we were in too deep. I don’t really know. I mean, it wasn’t a big fight or anything, it just ended.”

“Are you okay?” Dean squeezed her hand.

“I’m trying to be,” She cried quietly. “I really care about her. She gets me and I get her. It’s just really sucks, you know? I mean, what are you and Cas going to do? Try to go to the same school? Do the long distance thing?”

“We’ve never even talked about it,” Dean sighed. “To be honest, we’ve never talked about anything other than what are we going to do next week or are we going to see each other over spring break. Shit like that.”

“That’s it? I mean you guys have been together for awhile.”

“It’s not like that.”

“Yes, it is,” Jo looked into Dean’s eyes. “It’s exactly like that.”

“Let’s not worry about me, okay? What do you need. I mean, I’m always here to listen, you know that.”

“I know. You’ve been a good friend, Dean. But this...I have to shut it down.”

Dean pulled his hand away slowly and leaned back, “What? Why?”

“Because I don’t want the drama.”

“There’s no drama, Jo.”

“Yes, there is. Maybe it’s not being said to our faces, but everybody thinks that either you’re using me or we’re using each other. I just...I need the rest of the year to be quiet. I know, I’m a total bitch.”

“No, you’re not. It’s not like we signed a contract or anything. Shit, Cas and I talked about our goals for Senior year and he just laughed at me when I said that I wanted to fly under the radar.”

“A few more months and you can leave that fucking school behind you. I still have another year.”

“I know, I get it Jo, I really do. You don’t owe me anything. Let the rumors fly, I can’t afford to give a shit anymore. I’m waiting for letters of intent, I’m waiting for my one way ticket out of here.”

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Jo said quietly. “How do you want to do it?”

“I don’t know. Just end it here? I mean people are watching us, they know that you’re crying. We’re breaking up. I guess your parents got strict again when you didn’t get home until after curfew.”

“Do you think that will work?”

“Oh yeah,” Dean tried not to smile. “You pulled off the whole ‘strict parent’ thing for two years. You were out late with Dean Winchester, and your dad decided that the old rules apply. Apparently I just ruined you for men.”

They both tried not to laugh. “Well, I guess I’ll go. I mean, if we’re breaking up I might as well leave your sorry ass sitting at the coffee shop, right?”

“Hey, it’s better than screaming at me in the hallway. This thing with Charlie, you never know. Life throws some crazy shit at us, and things happen how they were meant to. Something might change when she doesn’t spend every day watching you hang on a football player. Now, your mascara is running down your face in the perfect pattern for you to make your exit. I appreciate everything you’ve done.”

Fresh tears welled up in Jo’s eyes. “Yeah, you too. Take care, Dean.”

Dean watched her walk out of the coffee shop and knew that everybody was looking at him. He dropped his head in his hands and waited until most of them lost interest before he got up and left, the annoyance on his face real when he realized that he had to walk home.

………………..

“Castiel! Dean’s on the phone!”

“Coming mom!”

Cas took the phone from his mother before running back upstairs with it. “Hey, what’s going on.”

“My girlfriend dumped me.”

“What? Why?”

“Apparently her girlfriend dumped her. By the way, I found out who she was going out with.”

“Charlie Bradbury. You seriously didn’t know that?”

“No, how did you know that?”

“Kindred spirits maybe,” Cas laughed. “So are we going back to Dean Winchester who plays the field.”

“No, we have Dean Winchester who doesn’t give a fuck.”

“Okay, that works. So what is Dean Winchester who doesn’t give a fuck doing tonight?”

“Hopefully hanging out with Cas Novak who has never given a fuck.”

“Good answer.”

………………..

“So, Winchester, couldn’t seal the deal with the hot blonde?”

“Benny, seriously?”

“Oh, come on man,” Benny smirked, leaning his elbows on the lunch table. “When have you ever not given up the details?”

Dean looked at Lisa out of the corner of his eye. She was glaring at him, but he didn’t feel as guilty as maybe he should have. She had started just as many rumors as Benny had. “When I actually dated a nice girl.”

“Or maybe there are no details to give up.”

“Okay, knock this shit off. Why are you so fucking interested?” Dean could hear his voice rising, he could feel the eyes on him, he could sense Cas looking at him from across the cafeteria. “You seem a little too interested in my dick and where it’s been. What does that say about you?”

“Fuck you, Dean.”

“So wait, is that like a legitimate pissed off ‘fuck you’ or is that some type of request?”

He expected the first punch, he wanted Benny to hit him first. He swung back and this time his fist connected before they hit the floor. It was over quickly, but both were bruised and bloodied when the were pulled apart. “Sorry about your face, Winchester. I guess you can have your little debate team queer boy kiss it better for you.”

Dean shrugged off the arms that were holding him, grabbed his backpack, and walked out. Jo, Cas, and Sam all stayed rooted in place, each wanting to go after him. He left school and walked to the pond, knowing that Cas would find him.

………………..

“I would ask what in the hell that was all about, but I don’t really need to,” Cas sighed, sitting down on the grass next to Dean.

“I’m sick of this shit, Cas.”

“I know you are.” They sat in silence each lost in their thoughts when Cas finally turned and looked at Dean. “What did he say?” he asked quietly.

“What?”

“Benny, what did he say?”

“You heard him. Shit, the whole fucking school heard him.”

“He said something before you left, and whatever it was pissed you off. What did he say, Dean?”

Dean groaned and leaned back. “He said that he was sorry about my face but that my little debate team queer boy could kiss it better.”

“Okay,” Cas nodded. “I uh...I think I’m going to go. I have a bunch of stuff…”

“Cas, don’t do this.”

“We have the debate tournament coming up and homework and shit and...I’ve just...I’ve got to go,” Cas stammered, standing up and brushing his pants off. He felt Dean’s fingers circle his wrist.

“Cas, please do not do this.”

“Two fights, Dean. Two fucking fights with Benny Lafitte,” Cas said quietly, dropping his head. “You don’t need this shit.”

“The damage is already done.”

“Damage?” Cas turned and looked at Dean. “The rumors are true, you have fucked me. So, the damage is already done.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, Cas.”

“There is no other way that you could mean it. Shit, I didn’t come here expecting sweet words. I actually came here to comfort you, but you’ve already got it figured out.”

“What do you mean I've got it figured out? I came here to wait for you. Those fights were for you.”

“Bullshit, Dean. I get it, protect the reputation of the starting Quarterback. I’ve had to listen to the rumors too. I’ve heard the whispers and gotten the looks. But hey, it’s okay because you’re beautiful and popular and I’m fucking lucky to be the other half of the story. I am small and inconsequential and I am damage.”

“No Cas, you are not small and inconsequential...”

“I wanted to fly under the radar. I wanted to finish my Senior year being known as the President of the debate team, the guy who carried a 4.0 all through high school, the quiet kid who secretly hoped that he would be in the running for Valedictorian. Instead I am the guy that Dean Winchester may or may not be sleeping with. That is my legacy. Dean Winchester’s little debate team queer boy.”

“Do you really care what they think?”

“It’s a little late for that.”

“No, do you fucking care what they think?”

“Not enough to get in a fist fight in front of the entire fucking school. I’m not asking you to tell anybody anything. I’m not asking you to take this public. But you could have just walked away. You ran your mouth because you are ashamed of this but you won’t fucking admit it.”

“I am not ashamed. Not at all. But them? I don’t want them to be a part of it because it belongs to us. This pond, the camping trips, all of it belongs to us. It is between you and me and it is about you and me. I am tired of being talked about and laughed at, not because they are laughing at me, because they are turning what I care about the most into a fucking joke. You’re not damage, Cas. You are not a joke, we are not a joke. That day at the coffee shop I sat across from Jo and I heard her, I saw her, and I asked myself what if it was me? What if I were the one who called off our cover up because you didn’t want to see me anymore? I felt like I couldn’t fucking breathe. I have never felt like that before. I don’t know what I’d do.” Dean could feel the tears building. He couldn’t let Cas walk away, not like this. “My life, it was fucking empty. None of it was real. The best thing that ever happened to me was failing Mr. Crowley’s English class. You have opened my eyes, Cas. This world, it is so much bigger than I ever realized and I know that because of you. This, whatever it is that we have, it is everything to me. You are everything to me. Please, do not walk away.” Cas let himself be pulled into Dean’s arms and he felt the soft lips against his temple. “I love you, Cas.”

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and buried his face in his neck. “I love you too,” he murmured.

………………..

For the first time since Freshman year, Dean didn’t spend spring break at the lake with Benny and the braintrust, as Cas called them. Instead, he and Cas went to Kansas City for a rock concert. It was in a cheap motel room after the concert that Dean took Cas into his mouth for the first time. He teased with his tongue, gently licking and sucking, watching Cas’s fingers grip the threadbare sheets. He opened his throat and swallowed when Cas cried out and came hard. He smiled at the heaving chest and the glossy bluer than blue eyes with lust blown pupils. He pulled Cas into his arms and kissed him softly. 

“I love you,” Cas finally whispered.

“Because of the blow job?”

“Well no, but it certainly helps,” he grinned.

“I love you too.” Dean pressed his lips to Cas’s forehead. “Leaving this one and a half star motel in the morning is going to be heartbreaking.”

“Yeah, but my parents think that we’re camping, so at least I can hide my car and stay at your house for a couple of days.”

“I can’t believe that your mom doesn’t let you go to rock concerts.”

“She thinks that they’ll corrupt me,” Cas chuckled. “She was right, she was so right. Give me a few minutes to recover and I’ll…”

“Cas,” Dean trailed his fingers up the side of Cas’s face. “I’m not keeping track of who does what. I did that for you because I wanted to. And I’d like to think that it was good enough that it will take more than just a few minutes to recover.”

“Oh, it might.”

“Where are your keys? I’ll go grab us something to eat.”

“In my pocket. Wait, you’re taking my car?”

“I just gave you a blow job.”

“Fair enough,” Cas shrugged.

………………..

Dean brought back greasy burgers and cheap beer bought using a fake ID. They ate in bed, trying to find a decent movie on the ancient motel room TV. They eventually fell asleep with their limbs intertwined on the lumpy mattress, both knowing that this was the the only way they could have spent their spring break.

………………..

Cas was leaning against Dean’s bed, looking through the handful of papers. “Okay, these are all letters of intent?”

“Yeah,” Dean smiled. “I mean it’s not Florida or Alabama, but it’s something.”

“Idaho State, West Virginia, Oregon, Northwestern. When do you have to make your decision?”

“Soon,” Dean mumbled, digging through his box of CD’s.

“Okay, and…”

“Well, I’ve talked to Coach Singer, the guidance counselor, and my parents. I think I might go with Northwestern. They’ve got a good program, academically they have more to offer.”

“Academically?”

“They keep telling me that I need a backup plan. I mean yeah, I will be a starter in the NFL in the next few years, but I need to at least pretend like I want to be something else when I grow up,” Dean winked.

“So, Chicago. And then what?”

“Wherever the draft takes me. What about you?”

“MIT.”

“So you did decide.”

“Yeah. I’m lucky as hell to be getting what they offered. I mean, it’s only a partial scholarship, but they are giving me deferred loans. I’d be crazy not to take it.”

“What about your major?”

“We haven’t even graduated yet,” Cas smiled. “I haven’t worked out my five year plan. But, it will be computer engineering of some type.”

“As long as it gets you the hell out of Lawrence.”

“What’s wrong with Lawrence? We both grew up here.”

“You’re bigger than this, Cas. You’re better. You can do so much more. I mean, you’re going to be the guy who breaks out and does something big.”

“And you’re not?”

“Well, the pride of Lawrence High will go on to earn a name for himself, but I won’t exactly be bettering the state of humanity.”

“And I will?” Cas laughed.

“Of course you will.” Dean leaned over and kissed him gently. “I love you, Cas.”

“I love you too.”

Cas pulled his shirt over his head before Dean even had him pressed to the floor. 

………………..

Cas smiled every time he watched Dean try to put up the small tent. “Aren’t there like a million graduation parties?”

“A million and one,” Dean grunted. “But this is the one that I want to be at. Okay, I think we’re good.” 

“How many times have we actually slept in the tent?”

“I don’t know,” Dean shrugged. “But the one time I don’t put it up will be the one time it rains on us.” He stood behind Cas and wrapped his arms around him. “Can you believe that we’re done? High school, all of that shit, it’s behind us now. Sorry you didn’t get Valedictorian.”

“Don’t be. Kevin deserved it. Sorry you didn’t get prom king.”

“Don’t be. Especially since I didn’t even go. That was a tough call. Do I go to prom where I’ll be surrounded by people that I don’t like, or do I go for Chinese food and a midnight movie with the person I love?”

“You must have agonized over that decision.”

“Nah, I flipped a coin,” Dean smiled, resting his chin on Cas’s shoulder.

“I would have gone with a magic 8 ball, but a coin works too.”

“Such a smartass,” Dean murmured.

“And yet you love me.” Cas turned in his arms and kissed him softly. 

“I do, more than anything.”

“Who knew that Dean Winchester could be so sappy?” Cas smiled.

“Hey, I was trying to be romantic and sweet.”

“I know,” Cas pulled him close and kissed him again.

“Who knew that Cas Novak would fall for my romantic and sweet act?” 

“I couldn’t help myself. You’re very convincing.”

“No, I’m in love. How’s that for sappy?”

“It’s perfect.”

“And you haven’t seen anything yet.”

………………..

“Okay, so we’ve got food cooking, the sleeping bag situation taken care of, a bottle of alcohol.”

“Did you remember the bear spray?” Cas grinned.

“Yes, I remembered the bear spray. I’ve had that same can for almost a year and still haven’t gotten to use it.”

“Gotten to use it? So you’ve been hoping for a bear attack?”

“Not hoping, but it would be interesting,” Dean smiled. “So, that’s the essentials. Oh wait, I forgot one more thing.” He dug around in his bag and finally stood up and turned to Cas.

“You’re kidding. You brought that?”

“Yeah, I thought it fitting. Do you remember what I said the first time we came up here?”

 _“A taste for the beautiful is most cultivated out of doors…”_ Cas said quietly, taking the book from Dean’s hands. “Walden.” He looked up with tears in his eyes. “I think you somehow went a step beyond romantic and sweet.”

“Okay, so sentimental and in love. The first time I read that book, it changed my perspective. Now, it’s changed everything.” Dean pulled Cas to him. “I never saw this coming, I never expected it, but I wouldn’t change anything about it. Not even the fights and the bullshit. It took me getting punched in the face to finally work up the nerve to tell you how I feel. You are perfect, Cas. You are honest and smart and sexy. You are going to go out into the world and do great things, things that I can’t even comprehend. But, you took a chance on a dumb jock. You took me to a pond and I started reading that book. Everything that I experienced after that was somehow tied to you, even when you weren’t with me. There were so many times that I wanted to show you something or tell you about something. I’d turn around, and you weren’t there. But I knew, I’ve always known that I can just save it and share it with you later because it will still mean something. Even if it’s days later, sharing it with you means something. It means everything. I don’t deserve the things that you have given me, but I will be a selfish bastard and keep taking them for as long as you’ll let me and I will give you anything that you want.” He pressed his lips to Cas’s temple and wrapped his arms tighter, feeling Cas’s body shaking against his. “I love you Cas Novak,” he said quietly.

“I love you too,” Cas whispered.  
………………..

Dean was gentle, more gentle than he’d ever been when he slid his cock slowly inside of Cas. He wasn’t thinking of himself, he just wanted to make Cas feel things that he’d never felt before. It was an unhurried desire that grew with each touch, each kiss, each fluid movement. Dean stared into those bluer than blues eyes; the pain, the pleasure, the love, it was all there. He was intoxicated by the heady scent of musk, the taste of Cas’s skin. They rocked together whispering words of love and promises. Dean felt each moan that escaped Cas’s lips, and held himself on the edge until he heard the cry and felt the warmth. He came quickly and buried his face in Cas’s neck, softly kissing the warm flesh when he felt the trembling arms wrap around his body. 

………………..

“This is always so bittersweet,” Cas sighed, rolling up the sleeping bags.

“What part of it is sweet? Out here, this is our world.”

“All of it is our world. I guess the only sweet parts are the creature comforts. Hot showers and your mom’s cooking.”

“Not running out of batteries for the radio,” Dean looked at Cas and tried to smile. They always hated these moments. Packing up, driving back to Lawrence. “But it’s not like we won’t be back. We have the rest of the summer.”

“Do your parents want you to find a job?”

“No, I’m getting a free pass. I think they want me to enjoy the freedom for a few months. What about yours?”

“Well, with Mike being sent to another Parish out of state, my mom’s a little preoccupied. I don’t think that she’ll say anything.”

“Does that ever bother you?”

“What?”

“I don’t know, I guess the attention that she gives to Michael.”

“You mean her blatant favoritism? It used to. Mike has always been devout, but sometimes I wonder if it’s because it was expected of him. He’s been told his whole life that he’ll be a priest and I think that he eventually just resigned himself to the idea.”

“Resigned? That doesn’t sound like the best reason to devote your entire life to something.”

“Maybe not resigned,” Cas finished the sleeping bags and just looked at the embers of the dying fire. “He’s never seen other options. It was decided for him. Gabriel, there wasn’t a chance in hell that he was going to go that route. And me, I think that she’s always known that I have never even considered it. Maybe it sounds self serving, but I feel like I could do things for the greater good outside of the church.”

“It’s not self serving, it’s reality. You are meant for greater things. You are going to leave Kansas in your rearview mirror and make something of yourself.”

“You talk about staying in Kansas like it’s a prison sentence or something.”

“It’s not,” Dean turned and looked at Cas’s profile. He looked thoughtful, almost melancholy. “It’s just not where you belong. I’ve known that since I met you. You’re the guy who shows up at the high school 20 year reunion, and has made something of himself. You’re the guy who is the most likely to succeed.”

“That’s not what the yearbook said.”

“Well, I think that they were contractually obligated to give Kevin that honor. I’m not saying that he doesn’t deserve it, but you are right up there too. I’ll show up at the reunion and possibly still have the best smile, which is an accomplishment that both my mother and dentist were extremely proud of. Hopefully I’ll still be the best looking,” Dean grinned when Cas finally turned his head and looked at him. “Those yearbook titles are pretty much bullshit anyway. Everybody knows who is going to get what. I know how to smile and I came from a good gene pool. Big fucking deal. I’ll make something of myself, I don’t doubt that. It’ll just be a different world.”

“Well, at least we know that it’s possible for two different worlds to make sense.”

“Yes, we do,” Dean walked to Cas and bent down to press his lips to the top of his head. “Now, let’s get the car packed and deal with this bitter shit. I’ll try to appreciate the hot shower when we get home.”

“Yeah, okay,” Cas said softly, standing up and wrapping his arms around Dean. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I wish we could stay for another night.”

“Your mom would send out a search party for the large Winchester family fishing trip if we did.”

“I know,” Cas groaned, leaning against Dean.

………………..

They stopped caring if they were seen around town together. Dean cut ties with the group of people that he’d spent years considering his friends. Cas still talked to people from the debate team, but didn’t socialize with them much. They did what they’d always done. They went to out of the way restaurants, midnight movies, the pond, and camped as often as they could. They used fake ID’s to sneak into the bar, but Cas’s paranoia got the best of him and they always left after one beer. The closer it came to the end of summer, the needier and more nervous they got.

………………..

“Where do you think you’ll end up?” Dean asked, laying on the grass with his hands behind his head.

“I don’t really know,” Cas said quietly, tossing small rocks into the pond water. “I’ll spend entirely too many years in school and then take the best job offer I guess. What about you?”

“Wherever the draft takes me.”

“You know, we’ve never talked about…”

“That shit will work itself out, Cas. Things will happen how they are meant to.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“Yeah,” Dean sighed. He didn’t want to have this conversation, he avoided this conversation, and Cas knew it. “As long as we both get the hell out of here, that’s what matters to me.”

“I know it does,” Cas said quietly, leaning back into Dean’s arms. “Why won’t you talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

“Did you really just ask me that? You know what.”

Dean closed his eyes and let out a deep breath. “Because I don’t know what to say.”

“Say that you are okay with being a college football player with secrets. Say that we’ll talk and email. Say that Chicago and Cambridge aren’t that far apart. I don’t know, just say something,” Cas’s voice shook.

“You know that I’m okay with being a football player with secrets. I know that Chicago and Cambridge are a hell of a lot closer than Lawrence and Cambridge. We will always be a part of one another’s life. I don’t want anyone else and you know that. There are things that we will have to figure out as we go. You need to put school first.”

“I know, and so do you.”

“I know that you’re asking me if the minute we have our bags packed does this end, do we put ourselves back on the market. This will never end, Cas. I don’t want to be back on the market. It will work itself out. I will set my bag down in a dorm room and be missing you like crazy. Shit, I miss you on the nights that you don’t stay at my house or when I don’t climb up your trellis. I don’t want to think about that part. I know that it’s fucking selfish, but I also know that it’s inevitable. I just can’t spend the rest of our time together worrying about what will happen when we can’t just drive 15 minutes to see one another.”

“Yeah, I know,” Cas said thickly.

“Please, don’t get upset, Cas. This fucking sucks for both of us, but it’s real life. We’ll hit speed bumps along the way, but I love you. I love you more than anything and you know that.”

“I love you too, Dean.” Cas curled his body as close to Dean’s as he could. “I’m being needy, I get it. I just...I don’t know.”

“You’re not being needy. We’re both nervous about leaving the only home that we’ve ever known. We will do what we have to do.”

………………..

They had two weeks left. Dean had already gone to the summer camps at Northwestern, and Cas had been miserable. But the light in those beautiful green eyes when he'd come back had been enough to erase it.

………………..

Every time Cas heard the creaking of the trellis, he just hoped that nobody else had heard it. Then there was the soft scrambling across the roof before the gentle taps on his window. He slid it open quietly and watched Dean try to climb through without falling or breaking anything. They closed it and moved to the bed, stripping down before they crawled under the blankets. Dean’s first kiss was needy, it was going to be one of those nights. Cas smiled and reached for the bottle of lube, a replacement for the bottle that they had already gone through. He still felt pain, but Dean had learned his body, he knew how to bring him more pleasure each time. They kissed deeply, Cas’s hands roaming Dean’s warm skin. They were hard and Cas was ready.

“Um, Cas?”

“Yeah,” Cas said softly.

“I’ve been thinking,” Dean sat up and tried to search his eyes in the dark. “I want to try it.”

“Try being...I mean…”

“Yeah. You’re a virgin, well technically not, but still in some ways. I see your face when I’m inside of you and I can’t tell what you are feeling, but whatever it is, I want to feel it.”

“So you want me to…”

“Yeah.” Dean rolled on his back, pulling Cas on top of him. “Just go slow.”

With shaking hands, Cas opened the bottle and dripped some on his fingers. He bent down for a soft kiss, spreading Dean’s legs, moving his slick fingers across his hole. He expected the gasp with the first one and he searched. He smiled when he felt Dean’s body arch and slipped in the second one, rubbing, stretching and pulling. They kissed deeply, Cas wrapping his hand around Dean’s shaft to slowly stroke. He understood the pain of the third finger and buried his cock quickly, watching Dean close his eyes and clench his jaw, holding back a groan. He ran his hands along Dean’s thighs and hips, trying to calm him, waiting for him to relax. He pressed their bodies together, letting the friction of their smooth skin run across Dean’s cock. They waited, kissing and touching until Dean gently rocked his hips. Cas moved slowly, shifting and angling until he felt the trembling and he started to thrust. He’d never felt anything like this, he’d never expected to. Dean was so tight around him, he didn’t know how long he would last. He ran his lips across Dean’s shoulders and up his neck, softly nipping and sucking, finally leaning in for a desperate kiss. He could feel it in Dean’s body, all of the things that he’d felt so many times. The blur of pain and pleasure. Cas’s warm skin covered in a fine sheen of sweat skimming across his sensitive cock, the electric pressure that was building inside of him. They rocked slowly, Dean’s hands gripping and digging into muscle and flesh. Cas reached for them and held them to the mattress, understanding why Dean had done the same. He knew that it would be over too soon if he felt that heated touch. It was sultry, their mouths pressed together to absorb their moans. Dean was lifting his hips, meeting Cas’s thrusts, wanting more. They were throbbing and tense when Cas felt Dean’s shaking thighs against his hips. He buried himself and came hard, harder than he ever had. He let go of Dean’s hands and tried to keep rocking but he felt the moan and heard the almost guttural cry against his neck. The warmth spread between them and he relaxed, waiting to feel the strong arms around him. “Are you okay,” Cas asked quietly, his chest still heaving. “I don’t know, it’s just…” Cas smiled in the dark and kissed him softly. “It’s like nothing you’ve ever felt before, I know.” Dean wrapped his arms tighter and held Cas closer. “The part of me that is making my head spin says that we should have done this sooner. Then there’s the part of me that knows how I’ll probably feel tomorrow.” Cas pulled out and rolled on his side, reaching for the container of wet wipes he kept in his nightstand. He cleaned them up and held Dean’s still shivering body against his. He drew the blankets over them and pressed his lips to the back of Dean’s neck.

“Seriously, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean panted. “I have never come like that. I mean the whole body thing. Inside and out.”

“I know,” Cas pulled him closer. “I was so scared that first time. I didn’t think I would be able to come. But when I did…”

“Yeah.” Dean whispered.

They laid in the dark until their hearts slowed to a normal beat and their breaths were calm. “I love you, Cas. I love you more than anything.” Dean rolled in his arms and they kissed slowly. “You are everything, you deserve everything, I would give you anything.”

“I love you too,” Cas said quietly. “You did just give me something.”

“Something we needed.”

“Okay,” Cas smiled. “Something we needed. I guess that nothing about me is virginal now.”

“Nope,” Dean chuckled. “We checked off the last thing on the list.”

“You were keeping a list?”

“Yes, but I keep it in a pink diary with a lock and nobody knows where I’ve hidden the key,” Dean grinned. “I just wanted us to experience everything together, even if I won’t be able to sit for a day or two.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“Really?”

“Okay, it is,” Cas laughed softly. “But, you get over it. Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Everything you have given me.”

“You’ve given far more than I have, Cas. I love you so much, with everything thing that I have and everything that I am.”

“I know you do. I love you too.”

“I don’t feel like crawling out of that window. Can we set the alarm and just fall asleep together?”

Cas set the alarm to go off quietly and pressed his body against Dean’s

………………..

Cas rolled over and turned off the alarm before anyone else could hear it. He watched Dean pick up their clothes and slid his pajamas on when they were handed to him. “I’ll see myself out,” Dean grinned leaning over for a kiss, pulling his shirt over his head and leaning over for a deeper kiss. “I love you, Cas. More than anything.”

“I love you too,” Cas smiled, his eyes still heavy with sleep. He heard the window slide shut and the subtle creaking that the trellis made when Dean climbed down it. He rolled over and went back to sleep.

\--------------------------------------------------

...Dean stretched and reached for his phone. He scrolled through the numbers and contemplated calling someone just to distract him, but he was too tired. He ordered take out and tried to get caught up on his DVR. He still had months of shows and movies that he needed to get through. He drank a few more beers, cleaned up, and crawled into bed, happy that he didn’t have to set his alarm. His only obligation was dinner at his parent’s and he had no problem sleeping in until it was almost time to jump in the shower and go.

………………..

“How is work,” his mother smiled, setting a plate down in front of him.

“Grueling. Long days, meetings, not to mention the shit that I have to do in my ‘free’ time.” Dean took a long drink of the beer that his father had handed him and picked up his fork.

“Well, it’s that time of year,” John Winchester smiled at his oldest son. “You had to know going into this that it wasn’t going to be easy.”

“Oh, I knew. I’m just bitching to listen to myself bitch. Same shit, new year. Anything new with you guys?”

“Nope, still counting down to retirement. Your mother has a calendar stashed here somewhere marking off the days. I don’t know if she’s looking forward to it or dreading it.”

“Have you talked to Sam lately?”

“Haven’t you?”

“Mom, I don’t need the ‘you should call your brother more often’ lecture. I hope you give him the same one. I know that we should talk more. My job is exhausting. He works ten and twelve hour days and then goes home to his family. We have busy lives. I’ll call him tonight.” They shared small talk over dinner. He dodged the questions about his private life, he always dodged questions about his private life. They finished eating and sat in the living room with a drink. He was withdrawn and quiet. He finally feigned exhaustion and left earlier than normal.

He got home and crawled in bed, completely forgetting about his promise to call his brother.

………………..

It took a few days until he finally got the text:

_“Do you want to grab a cup of coffee or a beer sometime?”_

Dean wasn’t sure how to answer. Granted, it had been years since they’d talked, but he had always wondered how Cas’s life had turned out.

_“I could go for a beer.”_

He looked around and thought about where life had taken him until he felt his phone go off in his hand.

_“I’m usually stuck at the store until 8:30 or so. We could meet up around 9:00. The Roadhouse?”_

Dean almost laughed when Cas suggested The Roadhouse.

_“Sounds good. I even use legit ID to get in there now (not that they ask for it). Pick a night.”_

He smiled when he thought about the few times they’d used fake ID’s to get into The Roadhouse. Cas’s babyface should have given them away, but the bartender never paid close attention.

_“Tuesday?”_

Dean didn’t go out much, especially not this time of year, but he knew that there wouldn’t be a big crowd and the music would be low enough that they could talk.

_“Tuesday at 9:00.”_

He sighed and slid his phone in his pocket. He needed to focus on the task at hand. He wiped the sweat from his brow and looked down at the clipboard in his hand. He wrote a few notes and slid it between his arm and his body. 

………………..

Dean still had that well worn copy of Walden. He didn’t know how many times he had read it, but every time he packed up and moved, it always got shoved into his bag.

………………..

He got out of the shower and stood in front of his closet. He didn’t know why it mattered. He lived in jeans and t-shirts, the occasional flannel or hoodie when the temperature dropped. He reached for clothes and checked his clock. He had just enough time to get to The Roadhouse.

He got there first and found a tall table. He was sipping at his beer and looking at his phone when he felt Cas sit down across from him. He knew what he was going to see when he looked up. Those blue eyes.

“So, it’s been awhile,” he smiled, tilting the bottle to his lips.

“The last time we talked was just before we both left for college.”

“Yeah,” Dean nodded. “You headed off to MIT and I froze my ass off at Northwestern.”

“And here we are, back in Lawrence. So, what brought you back?”

“Well, I was red shirted my Freshman year. My fourth actual game during my Sophomore year I was taken down by a defensive tackle who had at least 70lbs on me. Blew out my knee and broke my leg. I had to give it up. Without the scholarship I couldn’t really do it. I hadn’t even declared a major yet, so it’s not like I had direction. I was a dumb kid with football on the brain. Now I’m the Offensive Coordinator at the University.”

“So, you are a grown man with football on the brain?”

“I guess so,” Dean laughed. “I guess it never really went away. I took a break, but came back to it. What about you?”

“Well, I went to MIT and got my degree in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science, titillating, I know. I landed a good job with a private company in Virginia. I have basically become the nerd archetype.”

“And you met a girl?” Dean smiled, looking pointedly at Cas’s left hand.

“Well,” Cas took a deep breath. “I stayed in contact with a few people from high school, very few. I spent a lot of time talking to Amelia. We emailed, did the old fashioned calling each other thing, she came out there, I came back here, About 12 years ago we got married.”

“Congratulations. Kids?”

“Uh no. We were planning to wait until we got settled and we haven’t exactly gotten there yet. Her father had a heart attack about a month ago and her mother couldn’t run the store alone. Being the only child, she needed to come back and take care of things. I told her that we should try to talk them into selling it. I ended up sleeping on the couch for three days. I told her that I was going back East and she could stay here to work out the details. That earned me a week and a half on the couch.”

“So you quit your job to come back here and run her dad’s store?”

“No, I took a leave of absence. I fully intend to go back even if I have to go…” Cas rubbed his forehead and sighed. “But what about you? Wife or kids?”

“I got pretty serious with a girl in Chicago. I mean, who can resist a guy from the midwest who spends his Freshman year as a red shirt? I think she had high hopes, she wanted to be a football player’s girlfriend. It was like a fucking title or something. After my last game all she saw was a 20 year old kid recovering from surgery with months of physical therapy ahead of him and no real plan. So, she left. I let myself wallow in self pity and alcohol mixed with muscle relaxers and pain pills for about a week until I woke up one day and said ‘fuck her’. She wasn’t in it for the right reasons.”

“So one bad relationship turned you off of marriage forever?”

“Maybe,” Dean shrugged. “I work a lot of hours, even during the off season. Most of the women around here are either married or know who I am. I guess I’m just not dedicated enough to travel in order to find the girl of my dreams. And before you say anything, no I do not do the online thing. I’m fine with people who do, but the idea creeps me out a little bit.”

“But you’re happy?”

“Yeah,” Dean nodded. “I am. I’ve got a nice little house, my old man finally gave me his ‘67 Impala, I go to my parent’s once a week for dinner, and I drive out to see Sam when I get the chance.”

“How is Sam doing?”

“Sam is the picture of the American dream. He ended up with a full ride to Stanford. Got his law degree, married a beautiful woman, has a beautiful daughter, and was just made Jr. Partner. What about your siblings?”

“We’d be here all night if I had to talk about the entire brood,” Cas laughed. “Michael is a priest.”

“I knew that,” Dean smiled.

“Gabriel is married, has a handful of kids, and is actually teaching. I fear for the minds of today’s youth. The girls are scattered in all directions, all married, all have kids.”

“So you’re the successful Novak.”

“Depends on who you talk to,” Cas grinned. “But a few people might think that I give Mike a run for his money.”

“So how long do you think you’ll be in Lawrence?”

“I really don’t know,” Cas sighed. “There’s a lot of shit going on and a lot of shit to figure out.”

“Well, if you need a few boring hours away and you’re still in town when the season starts, you’re welcome to come to a game. I know that you weren’t exactly a fan in high school, but you sat through a couple. I can snag tickets for you and Amelia.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

They spent the rest of the night trying to tell amusing stories and make each other laugh. They needed to lighten the mood. It was late when they finally shook hands and promised to meet up again.

………………..

Dean was sweating his ass off while he yelled at his guys from the sideline. He remembered what it was like, being a kid and believing that you were going to get drafted in the first round. Blowing out his knee and breaking his leg was probably the most devastating thing that had ever happened to him. The surgery, the months of rehab, being told that he would never play again. He lost everything that he’d ever known when he lost the ability to play football. 

He was still reeling from seeing Cas the night before and knew that he was pushing his guys harder than he normally did. 

His day was finally over and he figured when he got home, he would call his baby brother.

………………..

He picked up the phone, but couldn’t bring himself to pull up Sam’s number. Sam knew about Cas, but Dean didn’t see any reason to say anything. They’d met up for one beer and he was still trying to process it. It had been years, almost 20 years, but it had taken him a long time to finally let go. That voice, those eyes, they brought the memories back. He pulled his copy of Walden out of his nightstand and flipped through it. He looked at the sentences that he’d underlined, the notes that he’d made in the margins, the places where he had gently repaired tears in the pages with tape. He didn’t even turn music on. He just propped his feet on the coffee table and ran his fingers across the words as he read. He didn’t need to. He’d memorized it all a long time ago.

………………..

He leaned his head back with the open book on his lap. Those words, there were passages and sentences that he’d clung on to. They reminded him that life was a series of choices, choices that he’d been so afraid to make when he was younger. It was easy to be the man that people expected you to be. Facing who you really were was daunting. He remembered the night of Benny Lafitte’s summer party after Junior year ended. He remembered standing in the middle of a room full of people and realizing that he didn’t want to be there, he was going through the motions and following the crowd. That was the first time that the title of Lawrence High’s starting Quarterback didn’t matter to Dean. That was the night that Dean’s eyes finally opened.

………………..

He didn’t know why he pulled into that parking lot. He didn’t know why he checked to see how many cars were already there. There were stores, larger stores, nicer stores close to his house. He’d gone out of his way to be here. He heard the bell on the door when he opened it and glanced at the cash register out of the corner of his eye. Nobody was standing there. He wandered around slowly, filling his basket with things that he did legitimately need. He focused on the shelves and the frosted glass of the coolers. He ignored the small handful of other customers and didn’t look at the register again. He heard his name, but it wasn’t the deep gravely voice he’d heard the last time. He turned and saw Amelia. She looked just like she had in high school. Little and cute, but not the kind of girl who stood out. She reached up to hug him. “What are you doing here?”

Dean was confused. He didn’t know if she meant the store, or Lawrence in general. He didn’t know what Cas had told her. “Well, I needed to do some shopping, this is a store, somehow it made sense,” he smiled.

“What are you doing in Lawrence? I heard that you moved to Chicago.”

“Yeah, I uh, went to Northwestern for a couple of years. Blew out my knee and broke my leg, lost my scholarship, came back and finished my degree at the University. I’m the Offensive Coordinator over there now. You can take the boy out of football, but you can’t take football out of the boy I guess.”

“Wow, you have not changed a bit. I mean you look almost exactly the same as you did in high school. What’s your secret?” She chuckled.

“Uh, beer and an extremely boring social life.”

“I’ll have to try that.”

“What have you been up to?”

“Well, I married Cas Novak and moved back East. My dad had a heart attack about a month ago so we’re out here trying to keep the store running while he gets better. You and Cas were friends in high school, weren’t you?”

“He was my peer tutor. Mr. Crowley, Junior year.”

“Oh yes, Mr. Crowley. Well Cas is somewhere in the back,” Amelia smiled. “Let me go grab him.”

“Wait you don’t have to…” Dean started, but she had already walked away and didn’t hear him. He clenched his jaw and shook his head while he continued to shop. He didn’t look up when he felt them both walk towards him. 

“Dean!”

“Cas! It’s good to see you, man,” Dean smiled and gave Cas a short one armed hug. “How’ve you been?”

Cas looked at Amelia and then back to Dean. “Good, things are good. How are you?”

“Oh, just living the dream. Not my dream, but it must be somebody’s,” he tried to pull off a charming grin, but failed. It was awkward, but Amelia was the only one who didn’t know it. “Well, I’ve got to get home and get some things taken care of so if I can just…” he pointed at his basket.

“Yeah, no problem. I’ll ring you up,” Cas smiled and turned to Amelia. “Those boxes are all stacked and ready for the inventory count.”

“Thanks.” She turned and gave Dean another hug. “It was so good to see you.” 

Dean just nodded, took a deep breath, and followed Cas to the cash register.

“So…”

“I’m not going to ask,” Dean said quietly, pulling out his wallet.

“I have my reasons.”

“Cas, it was great bumping into you today for the first time in almost 20 years, alright?” Dean smiled. He slid his credit card in the machine and signed the screen when it prompted. “You take care.”

“Dean…”

“It really was good to see you.” Dean didn’t even turn around, he just walked to his car, set the bags on the passenger seat and left.

………………..

He didn’t know why he was so annoyed as he put the groceries away. Maybe he shouldn't have gone back to the store. Why, after all of these years, did Cas lie to his wife? He grabbed his laptop and earbuds, and scrolled through his playlists.

……….

Dean was on the field calling plays when he felt his phone vibe. He knew that he couldn’t reach for it yet, but when it didn’t vibe again right away he realized that it was a text. He called his guys in to go over the depth chart and pulled his phone out of his pocket.

_“Maybe you want an explanation, maybe you don’t. It’s convoluted and I’d like the chance to talk again. Call or text me.”_

He got his guys back into formation and called the play. 

“Okay, that was a hell of a lot better. Johnson, you’re still limping a little, do you need to get taped up or should I bench you for a practice? No shame in taking the bench. You don’t want an injury to take you out, trust me. Robbins, I need you to stay tight to the left when we set up that slot formation. You guys are looking good and I think we have a hell of a shot to make it to division, probably further. We aren’t going to have an early practice tomorrow, just the work out so I’ll see you guys at 1:00. Don’t drink too much tonight. A hungover workout seriously sucks. Now, I want four times around the field and then please go shower.”

Dean checked his clipboard, made some notes, and headed into the athletic building for a coaches meeting.

………………..

“Winchester, how are you feeling about offense?”

“I think we’ve got a strong group. I am a little worried about Johnson’s ankle. If we could get an x-ray that would be helpful. I need him healthy before the season starts. I’m working with a couple of Sophomores who were red shirts, but I think they’ll be ready. My QB is solid and his second is solid.”

“We’ll have medical do an injury report on Johnson and get it taken care of. If there isn’t anything else it looks like we’re out of here at a decent hour. Go home, have a beer, and we’ll meet again in a few days.”

Dean nodded at the other coaches as he filed out of the room. 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket before he started his car.

_“I don’t remember if Crowley taught proverbs, but isn’t there one about curiosity killing a cat? Morbid, I know. We can talk. Is public a problem?”_

He took off his hat and threw it on the passenger seat, running his hand across his forehead. The only thing that he didn’t like about his car was that the air conditioning was non existent. He had 45 minutes of sweaty driving ahead of him. He popped in a random cassette tape and groaned when he realized which one it was. He started singing along before he could bring himself to eject it.

He didn’t noticed that he’d gotten a response until he got home and took everything out of his pockets.

_“I honestly don’t know how to answer that. Public could be a problem, but it’s my problem. I’m asking to see you. You let me know when and where.”_

Dean showered while he thought about it. He changed into clean clothes and finally sat down.

_“If you want to see me tonight, I’m going to be at home drinking beer and ordering take out. If you need to do it another night, we can meet at The Roadhouse again. You don’t owe me anything, Cas. I don’t need to know.”_

He set his phone down to grab his sweaty clothes and get them into the washer so that his house didn’t smell like a gym. He finished his beer, grabbed a second, and sat back down.

_“I want you to know. If you are comfortable with it, I’d like to see you tonight.”_

Dean texted the address and sat back, trying to decide what he needed to get through next on his DVR.

………………..

Dean was waiting to order dinner. He was waiting to see if Cas showed up, to see if he was hungry when he got there. He didn’t even realize that he was thinking about what Cas would want or need. He laid the take out menus on his coffee table and was studying them with his phone in his hand when he heard the knock. He took a deep breath before he stood up and answered the door.

“I saw the address, but it wasn’t until I was almost here that I realized you bought a house just a few blocks from my parents.”

“Yeah, where are they living now? Oh, sorry, come on in.”

Cas walked past him and hung his jacket on the coat rack by the door. He stopped and looked around the small house, smiling because if he walked in this house not knowing who lived there, he would still think Dean Winchester. “They uh, went the cliche route and moved to Florida after my father retired. I told you that my siblings are spread all over. Nobody stayed here.”

“Huh, none of them decided to stay in the little slice of heaven that is Lawrence, Kansas?” Dean grinned. “Do you want a drink?”

“Yes to the drink, no to the little slice of heaven.”

“What do you want? I have a little of everything.”

“Scotch?”

“On the rocks or neat?”

“Neat is fine. You should have been a bartender.”

“Nah, I’ve always had the feeling that bartenders carry a lot of baggage. Call it one of my deep thoughts. I was just getting ready to order food, are you hungry.”

“Um…”

“Okay, I get that this is awkward, Cas. I’m feeling it to. I’m a little confused and you wanted to talk, so here we are. We don’t have to complicate it by trying to decide if we want to share a meal and what that meal might be.”

“You can make things sound so simple.”

“One of the joys of being a lifelong dumb jock,” Dean smiled.

“That’s all Dean Winchester, not a lifelong dumb jock. Okay, you pick a place, I’ll decide what I want.”

“Chinese?”

Cas grinned. “Don’t tell me that Hunan Palace is still around.”

“It is,” Dean chuckled. “I’m going to go out on a limb here. Number six?”

“Holy shit, I have not had a number six from Hunan Palace in...god I think the last time that I ate there was with you.”

Dean smiled slightly and started pacing as he called in the order. “20 to 30 minutes.” Dean sat on the loveseat and looked at Cas. He could see the glass shaking in his hand. “So, that was an interesting reunion with Amelia. She looks great, by the way. Now I regret never asking her to prom.”

“Amelia,” Cas sighed. “I might as well be honest. This is all a ruse. When I told you that I slept on the couch for three days or for a week and a half, I was feeding you a line of bullshit. Amelia and I are separated, at least we were. I’d already been in an apartment for a few months while we tried to work things out. We realized that we couldn’t and were ready to tell the families. Then the heart attack happened. We sat down and talked and decided that we need to play nice to get through this. I should have stayed back East and just let her come. But, in a moment of weakness I told her that I would come with her. Divorce is imminent, but I’m not heartless. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t tell her that you’d come into the store. I didn’t know if we’d talk again after that night.”

“Where did you tell her that you went?”

“For a drive, a trip down memory lane.”

“Well,” Dean raised his eyebrows. “You weren’t that far off. But out of curiosity, would you have told her if it had been someone else?”

“Because of the rumors? Probably. I don’t know. Now let me ask you a question.”

“Shoot.”

“Why did you come into the store the second time? I know where the University is, now I know where you live. I get that it’s a little closer to your parent’s house, but there are still a lot of other options.”

“I’m not even sure why I came in the first time.”

“But you did. And then you came back.”

“Are you asking me if I was hoping that I’d run into you again? Maybe I was. I don’t know. It was a shock to the fucking system to see you, to know that you are in Lawrence. We went and had a beer together, but it felt so fucking staged, Cas.”

“It was. I was reading from the script. A carefully and well thought out script written to make everybody believe that we are living in bliss on the East Coast. I’m so used to just mindlessly saying the words. I never expected to sit at a table and talk to you. I didn’t know what to say, Dean, so I defaulted.”

“To a line of bullshit…”

“Yeah,” Cas sighed, finishing his drink. “What was I supposed to say? Hey, here I am after all of these years of not speaking, writing, or even emailing. I got married but I’m getting a divorce.”

“Things didn’t end on a bad note, Cas.”

“No, they didn’t. They didn’t end on any note.”

They both sat quietly, sipping their drinks until they heard the door. “Okay, when they say 20 minutes they mean it. Uh, plates are in the cupboard to the left of the sink. Silverware is in the drawer just below that counter. I’ll take care of the delivery guy.”

Cas found the kitchen and grabbed what they needed. Dean paid for the food and set the bag on the coffee table. “Feel free to go at it directly from the containers. The plates are optional. Unless you’ve gotten better with chopsticks, I suggest a plate,” Dean grinned.

“I’ve improved a little. I’ll try not to make a mess.”

Dean tried to look at Cas without being noticed. His smile was the same, but he had laugh lines around those bluer than blue eyes. His dark hair was purposely tousled. It looked just like it had when he would wake up in the morning, only now he put effort into it. He could see by how close the cotton of his t-shirt fit his body that he was more toned and in shape. He obviously worked out. He still had that way of subtly darting his eyes before he talked, like what he was about to tell you was for you and only you. Dean finally looked away and focused on his food, getting up once to refill their drinks.

………………..

They ate quietly, Cas trying to hold the chopsticks in his nervous hands. He got through it without making a mess and set everything on the coffee table. He watched Dean pick up the containers and carry them to the garbage. He watched Dean pick up the plates and heard him put them away. He watched Dean lean into his liquor cabinet and pull out a bottle, setting it on the coffee table. He still had that effortless way of moving. Every step, every turn, every reach seemed deliberate. His body looked almost as hard and toned as it had in high school. His hair was shorter. His grin was still enough to make you want to look away. And his eyes, his eyes were still almost achingly beautiful. Cas had never seen that shade of green. In high school he’d looked for it in leaves and blades of grass. As an adult he’d looked for it in masterpieces that hung in galleries. But, could only find it when he looked into those eyes. The spray of freckles made him smile. Most people grow out of freckles, but Dean Winchester wasn’t most people. He still took Cas’s breath away.

“Well, we started down a path that I don’t know if I want go down right now, so let’s jump ahead,” Dean said quietly. “What happened? The marriage, no kids, the divorce?”

“I learned that it’s easy to ask somebody to marry you when they had a crush on you all through high school, you learn a little sweet talk, and you have the potential to make good money. My family expected me to get married, so I did. Kids were never part of the equation for me. She knew that, but thought that she could eventually change my mind. Either that, or ‘accidentally’ get pregnant. I expected that for years. I like to call those the condom wars. If I wanted to use one, it was because I obviously didn’t trust her or I was out screwing around. All of that finally led to the separation. There were a lot of arguments, a lot of tears and pleas on her part, a lot of accusations. And then she finally watched me pack my bags. I was ready to give her a house that I paid way too much for and alimony just for the peace and quiet.”

“Did you love her? Do you love her?”

“Do I? No. Maybe that’s cold, but it’s honest,” Cas picked up his glass and took a sip. He knew if he had too many he would end up in a cab and have a lot of explaining to do, but he really didn’t care. “Did I? I tried to. The last 12 years have been unfair to her and I know it. I wanted to love her, and it wasn’t her fault that I couldn’t. She is attractive and kind and smart. She is everything that a man should want, but it just wasn’t there for me. We went on vacations and to work functions and played the part. But at home we were no closer than we had been in high school. There was no ‘a ha’ moment for me, no straw that broke the camel’s back. It was gradual. I slowly realized that we were roommates. We shared space. If I’m going to feel alone, I might as well be alone,” Cas finally sighed. “What about you? You said you had a girl in Chicago. I get that it ended badly, but that burned you enough to…”

“Not get into another serious relationship?” Dean glanced at Cas and poured himself another drink. “I won’t give her that much credit. I had to focus on getting better. Shit, I needed to be able to walk again. I came back here and like I already told you, this is a small enough town that I’m not going to find it here. As long as I’m alone on my own terms, I can live with it. When I get lonely, I go out and take care of business.”

“Next town over, box of condoms?”

“Something like that,” Dean smiled. “I’m no saint. I don’t pretend to be. Around here they’re either married, they know me, or they know of me. Shit happens in high school and sometimes you don’t live it down.”

Dean turned and saw Cas tilt his head and look at the ceiling. “I was talking about my reputation with the girls, Cas.”

“Yeah, I know,” Cas whispered. “I wonder how long we’ll be able to talk until we run out of things to talk about?”

“Until we actually run out of things to talk about? Or until we run out of things that we are okay with talking about.”

“Maybe some things should be left unsaid. Part of me thinks that I shouldn’t have come here. But part of me knows that I needed to. All of these years,” Cas chuckled softly “And I’m still fucking confused.”

“I told you...”

“I remember every word. That you didn’t want me to be confused. It’s almost 20 years later, but I still walked away with questions.”

“I know that you did,” Dean said quietly. “So did I. I don’t ever want you to think otherwise. Maybe it doesn’t matter anymore, but I didn’t have the answers either.”

“I’d let it go, at least that’s what I told myself,” Cas tried to smile. “I mean, the shit that happens when you’re in high school, it isn’t real. It’s all about learning and experiencing and then taking that into the adult world. I learned to listen and I learned to see and I learned that maybe it is okay to be alone."

“But have you actually been alone, Cas?”

Cas dropped his head and Dean could see the few small strands of gray in his hair. It just made him look more distinguished, wiser. But he knew that Cas didn’t feel any wiser. 

“No, I haven’t. I haven’t let myself.”

“Why?”

“Maybe I’m afraid, Dean. Physically, emotionally, mentally, I’ve always had some type of presence with me and I’ve never known how to live without it.”

“I understand the physical part. I’ve done it for years, and although people don’t get it, I’m fine. My parents, even my little brother, they worry about me. Shit, I think they’re ready to pitch in and buy me a dog. Emotionally, that shit is hard Cas. I’m not going to get into how hard, but some nights it’s fucking unbearable. Mentally, you find distractions. Yeah, they are momentary and fleeting, but they still distract. A movie, a book, a football game; it takes your mind somewhere else. You have to learn how to be alone. It is not easy, but it’s necessary and that’s something that I took with me when I left high school.”

“I know you did,” Cas said softly.

“It wasn’t about that. It was never about that. It was about Dean Winchester standing on his own two feet. Everything about my life changed when I was taken down in that game. Every hope, every dream, it was gone in an instant. I had to learn to walk on both legs again, but it gave me perspective. I got through that by myself.”

“Because that’s what you wanted?”

“No, it was because of circumstance.”

“So if that had never happened…”

“I can’t let myself think that way. It did happen. But I came back from it in my own way. Was my goal to be an Offensive Coordinator? No, but it is the closest that I will ever get. I’ve accepted that. What about you and your goals?”

“I got my degree from MIT.” 

“And that was it?”

“At the time, yes. The rest became a blur of expectation and circumstance of my own. I made choices, and at the time I thought that they were the right choices. The problem was, I didn’t make them for myself. I didn’t stand on my own two feet, I appeased. So, I’m in Lawrence with a wife that I plan to divorce making nice with a family that I don’t like. I’m not looking for pity, I’m explaining my own circumstances. I could pack a bag, walk away tomorrow, and say fuck it. What they think of me, what my own family thinks of me, fuck it.”

“So why don’t you?" Dean asked softly.

“Because I don’t want to hurt people.”

“So you’ll take the pain on yourself and be miserable?”

“What are my options?”

“Find your pond, Cas. Two years, two months, and two days; just find your pond.”

………………..

“God, I haven’t heard words like that in years.”

“Was it the wrong thing to say?” Dean asked softly.

“No, I’ve thought it. I’ve thought it a million times, I just haven’t heard it.”

“I think about it all of the time. I don’t go to the pond. I went a few times when I first came back. When I did, nothing made sense. I didn’t want this conversation going down this path, Cas. I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Cas said quietly. “Maybe neither one of is ready. I came here to tell you about Amelia. Don’t ask me why, it shouldn’t matter, but I wanted you to know.”

“That my congratulations were for nothing?”

“I guess so. I didn’t leave this town to find my happily ever after. I wasn’t looking for a happily ever after and what I found, in the end it means nothing to me.”

“It’s not that it means nothing. It means that you learned from it. It wasn’t a waste of 12 years, it was 12 years spent learning what you need.”

“I wish it were that simple. It was 12 years spent knowing what I don’t need,” Cas said, finishing his drink and pouring another before he could talk himself out of it. 

“Don’t you think that maybe at the end of the day, it’s the same lesson?”

“It probably is,” Cas sighed. “Everything is so complicated, but then I hear it in your voice and it becomes so simple.”

“Nothing about this is simple,” Dean dropped his head. “Right now I know that you’ve had too much to drink. You can’t drive, and I don’t know what to do. I could call you a cab. I could grab some blankets and a pillow, listen to your give your soon to be ex wife an excuse before you get comfortable on the couch. Or, I could just ask you to stay.”

………………..

Cas stood up and reached for his jacket. “I should probably get a cab,” he said quietly.

“I’ll call one right now, if that’s really what you want.” Dean stood up and reached for his phone.

Cas turned his eyes to meet Dean’s, emerald green locked on bluer than blue. “How many times did you say that same type of thing? Give me an option and accept my decision without making me feel like an asshole? It always felt like it was about what I wanted. You would call yourself a selfish bastard, but it was always about me. Do you know how hard that was to wrap my head around sometimes?”

“Okay, so I guess we will talk about it.” Dean mumbled before taking a deep breath. “It was about you, Cas. It was about building you up and not dragging you down. It was about giving you things that you didn’t think that you deserved because nobody else had ever given them to you. Even when all I had were my words, I would give you my words, any words that you wanted to hear. But I always meant the things that I said.” He was rattled but unable to to look away.

“I know you did,” Cas said softly.

“I wanted what was best for you. Shit, a lifetime later and I still do. There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. I’m alone, I’ve been alone, and I’m okay with it. I hate sitting here listening to you, knowing that you’ve been lonely, and don’t you dare apologize for coming here and talking to me about it. Talking...that’s what started the whole thing and I will always listen to whatever words you have to offer me. I wanted you to get out of this town and make something of yourself. I would be happy if I thought that the last 12 years of your life had been spent in marital bliss, but they haven’t, and I feel it in my chest. I honestly don’t know why I came to the store the second time, but when I looked at Amelia I just wanted to see a happily married couple. Your eyes, they were empty and I knew before you even sat down on my couch that you aren’t happy. So yes, it’s about what you want because I always got what I wanted.”

“Maybe when we were kids you did, but look at how things turned out.”

“Things took a u-turn. Even if I hadn’t been injured I would still be working as a coach eventually. I probably would have retired from playing by now. I peaked in high school, and I can live with that. But you, you were meant for more.”

“Why? What makes me so goddamn special?”

“Everything,” Dean finally said quietly, running his hands down his face before turning his eyes to the ceiling. 

“Dean…”

“I never wanted to see you in Lawrence again, Cas. This place...me...it’s like fucking quicksand. I didn’t want that for you,” Dean whispered, hesitating before he let himself be pulled into Cas’s arms. He wrapped his arms around Cas and held their bodies close. He was bulkier, more muscular and toned. He was wearing light cologne. He had a five o’clock shadow. But, he was still all Cas. Dean had to stop himself from burying his face in his neck, he had to keep his lips from touching that warm skin. He felt Cas’s lips on his temple and closed his eyes. That was how he’d always tried to comfort Cas, to let him know that no matter what, he was safe. He kept his eyes closed, lost and waiting. Their lips came together softly, slowly parting, their tongues sliding easily against one another. Dean gripped Cas’s hips, running his thumbs along the waistband of his jeans, feeling the warm flesh where his t-shirt had lifted. They deepened the kiss, holding their bodies closer. “Don’t call me a cab,” Cas finally murmured against Dean’s lips. “Don’t grab blankets and a pillow.” Dean sighed and pressed his forehead against Cas’s. He kissed him gently and led him down the hallway.

………………..

They touched and kissed, stripping slowly, appreciating one another’s bodies in a new way. It was familiar but enigmatic when Cas leaned back on the bed and pulled Dean to him. They kissed slowly, both filled with desperation. Dean’s mouth moved along Cas’s neck and down his chest, pulling a nipple between his teeth to gently bite. He ran his lips across the unexpected ridges of muscle and was intoxicated by the scent of Cas’s skin, a scent that hadn’t changed. He kissed and nipped at his stomach and hips, wrapping his fingers around Cas’s hard shaft and running his tongue up the silky skin. He hadn’t touched another man, he hadn’t tasted another man, he hadn’t been able to bring himself to. He heard the moan and watched Cas grip the sheets when he took the sensitive head of his cock into his mouth and gently sucked. The tension, the throbbing, he couldn’t let it end like this. He crawled back up the bed and settled between Cas’s legs. They kissed deeply, both bodies muscular and covered in a fine sheen of sweat. Dean closed his eyes and rocked his hips. It all came back, every time they’d made love, he remembered it all. Their warm skin held a sultry friction as they moved together easily, fluidly. The room smelled of musk and raw sex, moans and cries escaping their lips. They intertwined their fingers and Dean held their hands to the mattress, he was on the cusp but he needed to please Cas. He heard his name through a daze when he came hard with a loud groan. He relaxed his hands and rocked slowly, eventually letting his body sink against Cas’s, feeling the strength in his arms when they were wrapped around his body. He buried his face in Cas’s neck, holding back the emotion. He never expected to be here, he never expected to feel Cas’s body against his. They laid together until Dean’s weight and the body heat became too much and he rolled onto his back, reaching for Cas’s hand and pulling it to his mouth. He gently pressed his lips to each knuckle before turning his arm to softly kiss the inside of his wrist. They laid in silence, their chests heaving, each lost in his own thoughts.

………………..

The silence was becoming palpable when Dean turned his head and saw how watery those beautiful blue eyes were. “Shower?” he whispered. Cas just nodded and followed Dean down the hallway.

They both let the tears go, letting the warm water wash away the remnants before they would be noticed. They touched each other tenderly, sharing long and lingering kisses. Dean dried them both off and they each wrapped a towel loosely around their hips. He led Cas past the bedroom and into the living room to pour another drink. Cas was lost. He didn’t know where to sit, he didn’t know if things should feel wrong, not until he looked into Dean’s eyes and saw what he’d always seen. They sat close, leaning against one another while they slowly sipped from the glass tumblers.

“So, the silence has to be broken eventually and since I’m the one with the bad habit of not knowing when to keep my mouth shut…”

“You’re just making noise to keep this from getting awkward, aren’t you?”

“Pretty much,” Dean smiled. “It’s uh, well it’s not exactly a place I ever expected to be. And for what is probably the first time in my life, I really don’t know what to say.”

“Do you regret it?”

“I feel like I should, but no,” Dean said softly.

“Then that’s all you need to say, Dean. This isn’t why I came here, I wasn’t even thinking about this. I just wanted to see you…”

“...To hear me. We both know that there’s a third part to that. Once that line was crossed, we never came back from it.”

“We didn’t really try.”

“No, we didn’t.” Dean pressed his lips to Cas’s temple and Cas felt the tears again.

“Why is this so fucking hard and so fucking easy at the same time?” Cas whispered.

“It’s a place we’ve been before but never expected to return to. We can sit here and try to figure out what it means, and we’ll end up talking in circles. There is a reality here that we need to face.”

“There’s a reality that I need to face, Dean. If there are repercussions, they are for me to deal with, not you. But, you still want to protect me, that’s inherently who you are. I’m responsible for my actions. I was responsible for what just happened. I don’t regret it, I don’t feel guilty, I don’t feel like we betrayed anybody. The only reality that I don’t know if I can face is being in this town and not seeing you again.”

Dean relaxed and pulled Cas against him. “I’m not going to overthink this. Not tonight,” he said quietly. “I don’t have to be at the University until 1:00 tomorrow for an afternoon workout. The one night that I don’t have to set my alarm is the night that I want you in my bed. You are welcome to stay but I know that I need to let you deal with any consequences. The decision is yours, Cas.”

“A few hours from now, the consequences will be the same. I didn’t tell anyone where I was going, I didn’t feel like I needed to. This is about me and things that I needed to say. I didn’t expect to end up in your bed, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be. I’ll stay, I want to stay, and we’ll figure out how to coexist.”

“Without seeing each other again?”

“I don’t know if I can do that, Dean.”

“I don’t either,” Dean sighed, finishing his drink.

………………..

Cas rolled over in an unfamiliar room and tried to get his bearings. He had a headache from the scotch, but he remembered the night before clearly. He remembered touching and kissing Dean for hours, finally closing his eyes as the sun came up. He looked at Dean’s clock and saw that it was already 10:00. The store was open and Amelia was well aware that he’d been gone all night. He smelled the coffee and groaned when he sat up. He found his clothes and threw them on, walking down the short hallway to the kitchen. Dean was at the table hunched over his work issued iPad with a mug in his hand. He looked up and grinned. “Oh hey. I thought about waking you up, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The coffee is fresh if you want some. The mugs are in the cupboard next to the dishes.”

Cas reached for a mug and poured the coffee. “Cream and/or sugar?”

“I have both. Creamer in the refrigerator and the sugar is in that little bowl on the counter.”

Cas got his coffee the way he wanted it and sat down at the table across from Dean. “What are you looking at?”

“Offensive plays. Today is just a workout, which is easy. I was going to do weights, but it isn’t excruciatingly hot outside so I might have them run short drills if the field is open. I’m probably boring you…”

“You want boring, we can talk about my job.”

“Yeah, I’ll take a pass. Not because I’m not interested. I probably wouldn’t understand a fucking word that your genius ass would be saying.”

Cas had to smile at Dean’s easy mood, the creases in the corners of his eyes, his charming grin. Dean had never let him feel uneasy or embarrassed after they had been together. 

“Do you want something to eat?” Dean asked, interrupting his thoughts.

“Want? Yes. But, I think that I have some music that I need to face.”

“Yeah,” Dean stretched. “That whole not coming home thing.”

“Well, at least the whole car not coming home thing.”

“The car?”

“She’s staying at her parent’s house, I’m staying in what they try to pass off as an apartment behind the store. We told her parents that it made sense from a security standpoint.”

“So you’re the security guard?” Dean smiled.

“Pretty much. Her and I, we haven’t shared a bed in months. I’m not telling you this because…”

“I know. But even if you were sharing a bed, it’s really none of my business.”

“We slept together, Dean. We spent the night together. In my mind, it is your business. I haven’t slept with anybody in months. The last time I did it was in my house in my bed. I didn’t go sow my wild oats after we separated.”

“You don’t need to explain.”

“Just let me, okay. Maybe I need to hear myself say it.”

“I get it Cas. You aren’t taking this lightly, but neither am I.”

Cas finished his coffee and stood up. “Well, the music is waiting. It can’t be any worse than the arguments we had when we separated.”

“Unless she figures out where you were.”

“That would be a different tune entirely. I’ve got to get going.”

Dean stood up and wrapped his arms around Cas, pressing his lips to his temple. “Call me, text me...or don’t. But, I would at least like to know that nobody caused you great bodily harm.”

“You’ll hear from me,” Cas smiled. “Thanks for the coffee. And for last night, all of it.”

“Yeah, well it was cathartic, all of it.”

“I’ll see myself out.”

Dean watched Cas walk out of the kitchen and expected to cringe when he heard the front door close, but he didn’t. He went back to going over drills on his iPad, hoping that Cas wasn’t walking into something too ugly.

………………..

“Okay Johnson, it looks like it’s just some deep tissue bruising. I am going to keep you off of it for a few days. The rest of you guys, do a final stretch and hit the showers. Remember, there is a breakfast meeting tomorrow, yes Robbins there will be food,” Dean smiled. “We’ll be going over the season schedule and a few new rules when it comes to the away games. The entire coaching staff will be there if you have any questions. We’ll see you guys in the morning.”

Dean walked back to the Athletic Building and sat down at his desk. He had film that he needed to go over and he had to try and clear his mind of anything that might distract him. Pre-season was coming up and he needed to be ready. 

………………..

The sunlight was fading, the temperature had dropped, and his head was pounding by the time he pulled on to the highway. He hadn’t really slept, he’d had too much to drink the night before, and he’d been staring at a computer and sitting in meetings for hours. He just wanted to get home.

………………..

He finally sat down on his couch with a cold beer and picked up his phone. He wanted to call his brother, but he didn’t know what to say. Sam was the only one who knew. Sam knew while it was happening and Sam saw how it ended. He’d always hated himself for that. He picked up his laptop, pulled up Skype, and hit call. He smiled when he saw the puppy dog eyes that he gotten his baby brother out of trouble more than once.

“Hey Sammy.”

“Hey. I wasn’t expecting to hear from you.”

“Do we have a schedule? Because if you sent it to me it must have ended up in my spam folder,” Dean grinned. “Is it a bad time?”

“No, not at all. I just know that you are heading into pre-season and you’ve already made your contractual monthly call.”

“Hey, mom made me sign that contract. I was under duress and it was against my will. I figured if I doubled up this month, then I won’t feel guilty if I skip next month. It sounds quiet around your place.”

“Yeah, Jess took Ellen to her parents for a few hours so that I could get some work done.”

“If you need me to let you go…”

“No, by work done I meant so that I can have a couple of hours to either nap or watch something mindless on TV. I’m between cases right now, but the firm dumped a shitload of paperwork on my desk.”

“I don’t want to interrupt your napping or mindless TV viewing…”

“Hey, Skyping with you kind of falls under the mindless TV viewing category,” Sam chuckled.

Dean shrugged and took a sip of his beer. “I can live with that. So, wife and daughter are okay, between cases, and a shitload of paperwork to do. That’s the newest update?”

“Pretty much. I know, it’s an exciting ride. What about you? I’m guessing that things at work are crazy.”

“Yeah, and they will be for the next few months and then we start talking about scouting and get ready to build up next year’s team. It’s a glamorous life.”

“That you love…”

“Yes, I do love my job. I swear a lot and I whine a lot, but I love my job.”

“Anything on the personal front?”

“Uh, not really.” Dean couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He didn’t even know what was going on. He was starting to wonder if he should have called Sam.

“Well, your face tells a different story.”

“Right now it’s probably saying that I’m exhausted and irritated and happy to have a cold beer in my hand.”

“Aaaand that something is going on.”

Dean sighed and leaned back. “I don’t know, Sam. Maybe I shouldn’t have called you. I don’t even know what’s going on but you’re the only person that might actually understand.”

“Understand what?” Dean could see the creases in Sam’s forehead.

“I uh, I bumped into an old friend at the store.”

“Okay, I have a few names in mind, but…”

“Is Cas Novak one of them?”

“Uh yeah,” Sam sighed. “It was. And honestly, it was the one that I was really hoping you wouldn’t say. What’s he doing in Lawrence?”

“Well, his wife’s father had a heart attack and so they came here to help run the business while he recovers.”

“Wait, his wife?” The forehead lines were back.

“He married Amelia. But, just to make the story fun, they are a stack of paperwork away from a divorce. The heart attack happened and they agreed to play nice for the time being so that her family doesn’t have to deal with even more shit.”

“But won’t that make things worse? I mean, her father recovers and then they drop the bomb?”

“I’m just repeating what I was told.”

“So you talked to him.”

“I told you…”

“You said that you bumped into him. That’s a hell of a lot of personal information for a quick conversation at Amelia’s family’s store. You’ve talked to him.”

“Yeah,” Dean said quietly, dropping his head.

“Ah, so by ‘yeah’ you mean…”

“He left just after 10:00 this morning. I didn’t expect it, neither of us did. I wasn’t looking for it. I wasn’t even thinking about it. After I ran into him we went and got a beer. He told me that he and Amelia were married and gave me a song and dance about how normal his life was, but I knew something was up. I went back to the store, that was my mistake. Well, this time I ran into Amelia and she had absolutely no idea that I’d even seen Cas. I didn’t know what in the fuck was going on, but I figured that he had his reasons for not telling her so I dropped it. He wanted to explain himself. He came by here last night.”

“And left just after 10:00 this morning.”

“Yeah,” Dean groaned. “This is the last fucking thing that I wanted.”

“Is it?”

“It has to be, Sam. I mean he had to go explain to his soon to be ex wife why he didn’t come home. I don’t know what in the fuck he told her. I hope it wasn’t the truth.”

“What if he did tell her the truth? I mean, does it really matter anymore? You’re not 18 year old kids trying to squelch rumors and move on with your lives.”

“In our own way we are, and we always will be.” Dean tilted the bottle to his lips and waited for the inevitable question.

“Are you going to see him again?”

“I honestly don’t know. Shit, there’s the text alert on my phone. Do we want to take bets?” Dean picked up his phone and silently read the text.

_“Music has been faced, but lies were told. I had to do it that way. Now, how do we coexist?”_

“And apparently he lied to her, which is a good thing.”

“Are you looking for advice? Because a part of me says text him back, and a part of me says drop it.”

“Really? That’s not actually advice considering that I feel the same way. Sorry, I know I’m being a dick.”

“No more than usual,” Sam smiled. “I can’t give you advice because you don’t need it, not yet. You’re going to do what you’re going to do and we both know what that is. I know that you feel like you owe him something, but you need to figure that out. I’m here to listen any time you need to talk, but this has to play itself out.”

“No, you’re right. I guess I just needed to say the words. I can’t lie to myself and pretend like it never happened. I’ll let you get to your nap or other mindless shit.”

“Okay, well I’m always here. Feel free to call more than once a month.”

“And lead mom to believe that we actually like talking to each other? She would have to find a whole new guilt trip. I don’t want to put her through that.”

“We can keep it on the down low. Now, go take care of what you need to take care of and call me if you need anything.”

“Thanks Sammy.”

Dean ended the call and set his laptop on the coffee table. He held his phone in his hand, just looking at the message. It was cryptic, it was a question, it was meant to pique his curiosity. He considered not responding at all, but he couldn’t do that. Not to himself and not to Cas. The closest he bring bring himself was a generic response.

_“I don’t know. I guess that depends on the lies that were told.”_

He got up to wash his sheets, his towels, anything that might smell like Cas. He couldn’t help the subtle scent of cologne that still lingered on the couch or the musk that had permeated his pillows and mattress. Those would fade over time. 

_“I have a need to be away from the store, insomnia, and a penchant for driving around Northeast Kansas at night.”_

Dean sighed and started typing.

_“Hook, line, and sinker?”_

He set his phone down and walked away. He was digging through his refrigerator, looking for anything that he could use to make a sandwich and he heard the alert. He never realized that it was so loud, or maybe he was just anticipating it. 

_“That or reasonable denial. I don’t really care at this point.”_

Dean didn’t know how to respond. He was trying to figure it out when his phone went off again.

_“My penchant will probably take me to the pond. It’s a clear night and that was always the best place to see the stars.”_

Dean dropped his phone on the table and started rubbing his forehead. “Fuck!”

………………..

Cas could tell that Dean was there, standing just outside of the clearing watching him. He’d heard the soft footsteps, and a part of him sensed it. He pulled his knees closer to his chest and looked out over the water. He knew that Dean might turn around, he might leave, but he also knew that he might come lay on the grass with his hands behind his head. His movements were almost silent and Cas kept looking over the water when Dean laid down next to him. He finally turned his head and looked at that perfect profile. 

“So, are we here to question ourselves? Denying it or regretting it isn’t an option,” Dean said softly.

“I don’t know. We have responsibilities now. It’s a decision that we…”

“It’s not a decision, Cas,” Dean took a deep breath. “It never was. We just needed to talk, we needed to feel it before we brought it back, but it was there.”

“I know,” Cas said quietly, laying back on the grass. They reached for one another’s hand and stared at the sky.

………………..

They kissed and touched. It was calm and easy, not needy and heated. They were together, they were safe, and nothing outside of the clearing existed. Dean felt like he was 18 again, exploring their sensuality for the first time. It wasn’t sex, it was something different. It was an undeniable connection that they both thought they had severed years ago. Dean finally rolled away after a soft kiss and sat up. 

“No, I can’t,” Dean sat up and looked out over the water. “I can’t do this.”

Cas sat up behind Dean and rested his chin on his shoulder. “Can’t do what?”

“Be here, with you. I can’t be part of the problem…”

“I was not second guessing or reconsidering my divorce when you walked into the store.”

Dean dropped his head between his knees. “I feel like I’ve come full circle and I fucking hate it. One night together and I had to wash the sheets because I did not want to crawl in a bed that smelled like you, like us. This thing, whatever it is, it’s always been there and it always will be.”

“And that’s a mindfuck?”

“In it’s own way. I never wanted you back in Lawrence because I knew that you could do so much more somewhere else. I never wanted you in my house because I knew that given the chance, I would ask you to stay. I never should have gone into the store that day. Why do I feel like an asshole for saying that?”

“I don’t know, but you shouldn’t. I lied to you went we went to The Roadhouse, and I could have kept lying to you.”

“Did she believe the rumors?”

“What do you mean?”

“Amelia, did she believe the rumors? I know that they trickled down. I know that the whole school heard them. Did she believe them?”

“I think so,” Cas said quietly. “She spent years wanting me to ask her out and I think that the rumors made her believe that you were the reason why I never did.”

“Did she ever ask you about it?”

“I think she’s always been afraid to. I’ll be honest, Dean. I think that she knows where I’ve been the two nights, well three nights now, that I disappeared. She just refuses to accept it.” He leaned closer and wrapped his arms around Dean. “Can I ask you something.”

“Shoot.” Dean reached for Cas’s hand and pulled it to his lips.

“You were so adamant in high school about not feeling alone, that you hated feeling alone. Now, you talk about it like it’s a necessity or a lifestyle that you went looking for.”

“I was insecure and needy in high school. Yes, Dean Winchester was insecure. But, I think we all were. I spent so many years feeling like something was missing. I thought that there was something wrong with me because I could be in the middle of a raging party at Benny Lafitte’s and feel like I didn’t belong there. I wasn’t really there, I just went through the motions most of the time. And then I met you. I never felt that way with you. It didn’t matter where we were or what we were doing, I was always present. Even when you weren’t by my side, you were still there. You never let me feel alone. When we went our separate ways, I realized that I need to be able to live with myself. I dealt with my injury and most of my recovery by myself. My mom was there when I had the surgery, but she couldn’t stay and I went through a lot of it on my own. I found my pond. My place where I could spent two years, two months, and two days by myself and be okay with it, find peace in it. So I guess I do see it as a necessity. You don’t have the same appreciation for someone’s presence until you’ve lived without anybody’s presence. I don’t know that it’s a lifestyle, it’s a choice. I know what people think. Shit, I’ve heard it from my own family. One bad relationship ruined me. I have issues with intimacy. That’s all bullshit, but I’ve stopped trying to explain myself. If it makes my mom feel better to take notes when she watches Dr. Phil and try to sneak in some psychobabble questions over meatloaf, then I’ll let her.”

“I don’t think it’s intimacy issues, but I don’t think you’ve really taken a good look at yourself.”

“What do you mean?” Dean turned his head, searching for Cas’s eyes in the shadows.

“When you feel something, you feel it deeply. Every cell in your body and every part of your soul feels it. When there’s nothing there for you to focus on, you pull that inward. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but you are all or nothing. When something matters to you, you are willing to give it every part of you. You are passionate and protective and honest. Hook ups are easy for you because you don’t have to be present, it’s a distraction and a means to an end.”

“Okay, that part just makes me sound like a shallow asshole.”

“No it doesn’t. I don’t think that you would try to get somebody into your bed under false pretenses. You don’t have to. You can move on to the next willing body. This is nothing wrong with two consenting adults getting together almost anonymously as a physical outlet. You make it known that’s who you are and that’s what you’re looking for. I gave in, I followed the rules…”

“There are no rules, Cas. I get it, you did things to appease people. It’s the psychobabble conversations with my mom, only on a larger scale.”

“Yeah, well 12 years of marriage…”

“It couldn’t have all been bad.” 

“It wasn’t. But it was never really good. I realized that when I felt indifferent on our wedding night. I know that sounds cruel, but it’s honest.”

“Why were you indifferent?”

“Probably because I’d already been in love,” Cas said quietly.

………………..

“Do you have to get home?”

Cas chuckled softly and turned his head to look at Dean.

“Well, first of all, I think that’s another question that you’ve asked me on more than one occasion. Second of all, I don’t really have a home. I have a large expensive house in Virginia that nobody is currently living in, and I have a small apartment near the office that I’m probably paying too much for. Or I have what is supposedly an apartment with what I think is black mold in the shower behind my soon to be ex in law’s store.”

“Nice depictions, but it didn’t answer my question. I’ll reword it. Do you need to be somewhere?”

“Well, if I keep taking off without saying anything, there will be more questions. However, due to the current circumstances I’ve been given the impression that arguments that end with tears are no longer an option.”

“It’s getting late,” Dean said softly, holding Cas’s arms against his body. “I need to get home, I have a breakfast meeting in the morning. I understand that maybe it’s best to avoid conflict...”

“I’ll follow you there.”

………………..

Dean desperately wanted to be inside of Cas. He wanted to feel him, all of him, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it yet. They spent hours remembering and learning each other’s bodies. The places that needed to be touched and kissed. Dean came in Cas’s mouth, they came together on Dean’ stomach. It was sex like neither one of them had ever known. As many women as Dean had been with, as few as Cas had been with, the numbers fell away when they had each other.

………………..

Dean groaned and hit the snooze button, rolling over to pull Cas closer. He knew that he needed to get up. It was an early meeting and a long drive, but he wanted to feel Cas against him. He pressed his lips against the back of Cas’s neck and smiled when he felt the shiver. “I need to start getting ready for work.”

“Yeah, I figured as much,” Cas yawned. “Get up and get your coffee going. It’s early enough that maybe nobody will notice that the car was gone all night.” Cas rolled in Dean’s arms and they shared a long and lingering kiss before he crawled out of the bed and got dressed. Dean just watched him, admiring the subtle ridges of muscle that had taken over the skinny frame he’d grown used to. They kissed softly again and he heard the front door close. He finally stretched and sat up. He needed to think about work, football, the upcoming season. He needed to stop thinking about Cas and Amelia. He needed to prepare himself for the inevitability of Amelia’s father returning to the store. The inevitability of Cas leaving Lawrence again.

………………..

Dean hated the pang that he felt in his chest when he read the text.

_“I want to see you this weekend, but something came up.”_

He sighed and just held his phone, rereading the message. A part of him still wished that he’d never gone into the store that day. He’d been alone and purposely numb for years, but now he felt almost powerless and exposed.

_“You don’t owe me anything. Time, explanations, it’s not my place.”_

He waited, he knew that Cas would respond and he knew how Cas would respond.

_“I know that I don’t, but where I’m at right now is not where I want to be.”_

He took a deep breath and slid his phone in his pocket. He had an afternoon meeting with the trainers and he needed to get to the conference room. He grabbed his clipboard and iPad and left his office.

………………..

His sheets still smelled like Cas when he crawled into bed. He pulled a pillow against his chest and tried to fall asleep, but his thoughts kept taking him back. High school, the last couple of weeks, it was starting to blend together. A cocky but insecure starting Quarterback and the President of the debate team. A reserved Offensive Coordinator and an entangled Computer Scientist. None of it made sense, it never had.

……………….. 

Dean walked in the door and found his parents in the kitchen. He took the beer out of his father’s outstretched hand and kissed his mom on the cheek before he sat down at the table. “Before it gets brought up, yes I’ve talked to my brother lately. I called him the other night. He’s still married. He still has a kid, I think he said it’s a girl. And apparently he’s still a lawyer. It was good to hear his voice. I’d forgotten that it had changed.”

“You are such a smart aleck.”

“Thanks mom,” Dean grinned. “But I really did talk to Sammy, and all of those statements are true. We had a lengthy discussion about my life, maybe two or three minutes. It was a long and heartfelt phone call.”

“She says smart aleck, I say asshole.”

“Thanks dad,” Dean grinned again, taking a sip of the beer. “What’s for dinner.”

“Pot roast.”

“Aaahhhh,” Dean leaned back and moaned. “You know, you could make some serious money turning your home cooked meals into take out for assholes like me. It might complicate the whole Chinese versus pizza debate, but it would be so worth it.”

“Do you really eat take out every night?” Mary asked, setting plates on the table.

“No,” Dean scoffed. “Sometimes I hit a drive thru on my way home from work.”

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

“Look at the boy, Mary. He’s in almost the same shape as he was in college.”

“Except for my liver,” Dean chuckled. 

“Oh, I meant to tell you that I ran into your friend at the gas station.”

Dean turned his head and looked at his mother, he felt his stomach drop. “Oh yeah? Which friend?”

“Cas. The one from high school who was always over here.”

“Huh,” Dean dropped his eyes and focused on the food in front of him. “Did you talk?”

“A little bit. He just said that he was in town to help out his wife’s family. I didn’t know that he got married.”

“Yeah, I didn’t either.” Dean wasn’t really lying. He hadn’t known until they went to The Roadhouse. 

“I always thought that the two of you would stay in touch.”

“Well, I went and did the football thing at Northwestern and he did the genius thing at MIT. Not a whole lot of common ground there.”

“You didn’t have a whole lot of common ground in high school.”

“Yeah, but we only lived a few miles apart, not thousands. Will you pass me the gravy?”

………………..

“So, in summation,” Dean groaned, leaning back on the couch. “My job is exactly the same as it always is. No, I have not met a nice girl. Hell, I haven’t even met a bad girl. And I promise to consider taking better care of myself. Have we covered all topics?”

“Dean…”

“What mom? I’m not trying to be a dick. I’m just answering the questions that you didn’t ask over dinner. You know about my job. The only question is will we make it into the playoffs, which is something I won’t really have a feel for until we get a few games under our belts. You always ask me about my personal life, and nothing there has changed.”

“If we can’t talk about your job or your personal life, then what in the hell are we supposed to talk about,” John smiled.

“I don’t know. I mean, the weather has been kind of nice. You know, it’s starting to cool down in the evening. I’m thinking that we’re looking at a mild winter. Or we could talk politics…”

“How about we just relax and enjoy a drink?”

“See? Dad gets it.”

………………..

Mary smiled when Dean asked if he could take some leftovers home and happily filled plastic containers for him. He didn’t want to go home and stare at his iPad, but he had things to get done. He kissed his mother’s cheek, hugged his father with one arm, and got in the Impala.

………………..

_“If you can get away tonight, I’ve got something for you.”_

Dean hit send and looked up when one of the girls from the front office walked past his office door. He could be a flirt, but he never dated the women from work. He knew that most of them saw that as a challenge and some days it irritated him. This was one of those days. She slowed and hesitated, but his nod and small smile wasn’t enough to encourage her. He sighed when she was out of sight and checked his phone.

_“I can get away after I close down the store. However, I have a small problem. Amelia needs the car, leaving me (purposely?) without transportation.”_

_“I can come pick you up after the store closes. Your call.”_

Dean turned back to his computer, scrolling through his University emails. 

_“I’ll text you.”_

………………..

“Your mom’s pot roast? You are fucking kidding me.”

“Nope. So uh, she said that she saw you.”

“Yeah,” Cas looked up from his plate. “At the gas station. We just talked for a minute.”

“Well, thanks for not telling her that we’ve talked.”

“Sarcasm?”

“No, honesty. It could have easily turned into a dinner invitation for you and Amelia and which might be a bit awkward. I’m actually a little surprised she didn’t ask you anyway. She always loved you.”

“I was the sweet little peer tutor who got you through Crowley’s English class. What’s not to love?” Cas smiled.

“The only part of that sentence that is even true are the words ‘peer tutor’. The rest…”

“Hey, I got you through Crowley’s English class.” 

“Fair enough,” Dean grinned. He tilted the beer bottle to his lips and kept his eyes trained on Cas.

“What?”

“You look happy.”

“I am. I mean, your mom’s cooking and a ride in the Impala…”

“What?”

“I could have called a cab, Dean. I just figured it was about time for you to drive my ass around town.”

“You are such an asshole,” Dean laughed.

………………..

Cas didn’t need to have sex, he didn’t need to go into Dean’s bedroom. He was content, more content than he’d been in a long time just laying on the couch in Dean’s arms watching a movie. They didn’t want to let go. They didn’t want to get back in the car and drive to the store. Dean didn’t want to make the drive home alone.

They shared one soft kiss before Cas opened the passenger door. Dean watched him pull out his keys and go into the apartment, turning around once for a long look.

………………..

Dean laid in bed and thought about the smile on Cas’s face when he set the plate in front of him. The nostalgia and emotion in his eyes. He thought about how right it felt to just hold him on the couch, to smell his skin and listen to him laugh. He thought about the girl who walked past his office and his rule when he came to dating girls at work. He tried to remember how long it had been since he’d been on an actual date. Most of the guys he worked with were married and assumed that he was either private and didn’t talk about his personal life, or that he was gay, maybe both. He didn’t know, and he didn’t care. He listened to the kids that he coached and he remembered those days. Telling your buddies about how you’d spent your Saturday night and who you’d spent it with. Even if coming out had been an option when he was in high school, he still couldn’t imagine telling anybody about his time with Cas. It wasn’t shame, it was never about shame, it was about protecting what mattered the most.

………………..

_“I want to see you.”_

Dean hit send and went back to his roster. Pre-season would be starting next weekend and he needed to get his depth charts into the head coach by the end of the day. He moved Johnson off of his injured reserve and dropped Robbins to second string.

_“I can come by after the store closes.”_

He finished his depth chart and sent the file to the head coach.

_“Sounds good.”_

He checked the season schedule. He always wished that the away games took them a little further than Louisville or Columbus. But, it was all part of coaching in a smaller division. He smiled and winked at the girls in the office on his way out.

………………..

Dean was needy when he kissed Cas. He tasted the scotch when their tongues met and he reached between their bodies, deftly unbuckling Cas’s belt. He had the button undone and the zipper down before he met Cas’s eyes and grinned. He sat up and pulled Cas’s jeans down his hips, wrapping his hand around his rigid cock, sliding his tongue across the head, tasting the pre-come. He heard the gasp and gently sucked while he stroked. He started to move, taking more of Cas into his mouth with each dip of his head, swirling his tongue around the silky skin of his shaft. Cas groaned and pressed gently on the back of Dean’s head, subtly rocking his hips. He felt the tension build, the throbbing, and he moaned, “I’m right there…” Dean opened his throat and swallowed the warm sticky fluid, licking and sucking until Cas was limp, and tucked him back into his pants. 

“Holy shit, I had seriously forgotten what that feels like.”

“What?” Dean smiled. “You mean that she…”

“Yeah, she’s that type.”

“So the last time you got head was…”

“Almost 20 years ago,” Cas chuckled.

“Ironic. That’s the last time I gave head.”

“So you haven’t been with another man?”

“No,” Dean laid back on his pillows and pulled Cas to him. “I still don’t buy into the Dean Winchester is ‘insert sexuality here’. I’ve been propositioned, but not interested.”

“Because…”

“Because they weren’t you,” Dean sighed. “I made a lot of mistakes, Cas.”

“We don’t need to do this.”

“I’m not going to give you a laundry list, but I know where I went wrong. I hope you know that I was never ashamed of you, I just wanted to protect you. I know that there are things that you have forgiven me for, but I also know that maybe there are things that you can’t, and I understand that. I know that you’ll be leaving and I’ve asked myself if we’d be better off if we hadn’t run into each other.”

“And?”

“Even if it’s just the couple of weeks that I’ve had. Even if I get a couple of more weeks. I needed to see you. If nothing else, I needed to know that you went out there and did what I always knew that you were capable of. That you didn’t waste your potential.”

“What about you, Dean?”

“What about me?”

Cas rolled on his stomach and searched Dean’s eyes. “I’ve thought about you for 20 years. I’ve wondered where you’ve been, how your life turned out. I knew that you didn’t make it into the NFL. I tried to just walk away and leave it all behind me, but I checked. I knew that you weren’t on the active roster at Northwestern during our Junior year. Maybe I needed to know that you lived up to your potential.”

“I have, Cas.”

“So what you’re doing, where you are now, that it where you want to be?”

“I’m coaching. It’s as close as I’m going to get.”

“I know that, Dean. But after your injury was this your plan B? Or is this just where you ended up? I get it, I didn’t hit a roadblock like you did. I did exactly what I promised to do. I went to MIT, I got my degree, and now I do nerdy shit. But this, Lawrence, the University, is this where you want to be?”

“I don’t know,” Dean sighed. “I mean, what options do I have?”

“I don’t know,” Cas said quietly, laying his head on Dean’s chest. “I just wanted as much for you as you wanted for me.”

“But what I wanted was a pipe dream.”

“No, it was an 18 year old kid who knew that he had what it takes. Circumstance took that away from you and you’ve done the best that you can.”

“I’ve tried, Cas,” Dean said softly, pressing his lips to the top of Cas’s head. They dropped their clothes on the floor and crawled under the blankets, holding their bodies close.

………………..

Cas heard Dean’s alarm and rolled in his arms. “Already?” he groaned.

“Yeah, pre-season keeps me busy.”

They kissed softly, the passion slowly building.

“Okay,” Dean said breathlessly. “If we keep doing that then I’m going to be late.”

Cas smiled slowly and kissed him gently before crawling out of bed and getting dressed. “Okay, I’ll get out of your hair. Out of curiosity, do you ever laugh when you use terms like ‘tight end’ or ‘receiver’?”

“Not really, but I will now, asshole. Now I’ve got to get going,” Dean laughed, kissing Cas one last time.

………………..

_“I was just informed that Amelia and her mother are taking her father to Kansas City to see a cardiologist. Apparently they will be there for a few days.”_

Dean smiled.

_“Interesting turn of events.”_

………………..

Two days. Dean had checked his phone every hour for two days. He’d gone for almost 20 years without talking to Cas, and now each hour felt like a lifetime. Cas was his first real love. Everything he knew about love he learned in sleeping bags and by crawling up trellises. He learned how it felt to be complete, and he learned that it was necessary to be alone because of Cas. Cas had been his greatest achievement and his greatest failure. It took him years to let go, to concede that just because he loved Cas didn’t mean that he was good for him. But, he’d never expected to see him again. He’d created a picture of what Cas’s life was like after he left Kansas and it was beautiful. He saw him in a suit, sitting in a large office, having an impact. That’s how Cas was built and that’s what Dean needed him to be. He could never bring himself to picture those blue eyes or the way he dropped his head when he laughed. The way he could draw you in when he talked about things that he had a passion for. The charm that he carried with his social awkwardness. His almost child like openness and sarcastic sense of humor. Those were the parts of Cas that always belonged to him, and they were the parts that he needed to let go of. But one look into those eyes, and he knew that he’d never actually let go. He would always be in love with Cas Novak.

………………..

He finally heard the text alert.

_“Is Trattoria still open?”_

Dean smiled when he thought about the small Italian restaurant on the edge of town. It was cliche with candles stuffed into old bottles of Chianti and cheap polyester table cloths. The waiters worn black vests matched the pants with a sharp crease and the ridiculous bowtie. The food was a step above average and they’d served them alcohol without question, even though at 18 Cas still had a baby face. The always sat in a corner booth and the staff didn’t seem to care about their displays of affection. It was an over the top orchestrated attempt at romantic ambience, and they’d loved it. Dean hadn’t been there since he’d moved back, but he’d driven past and noticed the ‘open’ sign.

_“I believe so. Are you in the mood for overcooked pasta and cheap wine?”_

Dean knew it was pure sexual frustration and anticipation that was going to get him through his afternoon workout and he was getting the weights set up when he heard his phone.

_“I would love nothing more. By the way, the store hours have changed. Under Cas Novak’s solo management we now close at 7:00.”_

Dean smiled and ignored his spotter’s impatience when he typed quickly.

_“Good marketing strategy. It keeps those late shoppers on their toes. But what if a guy needs to swing by around 8:00 to pick something up?”_

_“I think I could work around a single customer.”_

Dean put his phone in his bag and laid back on the bench press pad.

………………..

He searched through his closet until he felt like a 16 year old girl getting ready for a school dance. He finally found his perfect jeans and a shirt that showed just enough of his body to be noticed without being blatant. He shaved and checked his hair in the mirror. He was nervous, first date nervous, and he didn’t know why. His hands were shaking when he put the key in the ignition and he popped in a cassette to calm his nerves. He smiled when he realized which one he’d randomly chosen and started singing along before he’d even backed out of his driveway.

………………..

Dean felt Cas’s shy smile in his chest when he stepped out of the apartment. Cas had sorted through his bag of clothes, a bag that he’d refused to unpack, just as Dean had stood in front of his closet. He made sure that his hair was strategically tousled and his five o’clock shadow was present. He heard the Impala’s engine and he took a deep breath before he left the apartment and got into the car.

“Trattoria?”

Cas saw the creases in the corners of Dean’s eyes and smiled. “Sentimental moment?”

“I’m fine with that.”

Dean put the car in reverse and pulled out of the gravel parking lot.

………………..

“Holy shit, this place has not changed.”

“I haven’t been here since I came back. God, I say that like I haven’t been back for 15 years. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long, and sometimes it feels like I never actually left. Now I’m just babbling.”

“No you aren’t,” Cas smiled, reaching for his hand across the table. “I get it. We grew up here and you had your chance to get out. It may only have been a couple of years, but you did it. Maybe you didn’t find the world that you were looking for, but you found something. You came back and made something of yourself.”

“I’m an Offensive Coordinator…”

“You said that you would have already retired by now, that you’d be coaching. So, you retired earlier than expected and you started coaching.”

“It wasn’t that simple,” Dean laughed, nodding at the waiter when he poured them both wine. “I finished school and started out as a trainer. Walked around a gym that perpetually smells like dirty socks and set up workout regimens for punk kids. Not exactly my dream job. I actually started grad school while I was working, but didn’t finish because they moved me up the chain.”

“How far did you get?”

“Just a couple of semesters. I thought about going back, but then I realized that I’ll always be doing what I’m doing so the added pressure wouldn’t be worth it. What about you? Did you get the PhD so that you could take care of the folks?”

“No,” Cas blushed. “I got a job offer from a large company in Virginia right after I got my Master’s and I took it.”

“And this was before you were…”

“Married? No. I was still in school when Amelia moved out there. We had a tiny cheap basement apartment and she worked while I finished school. But, she didn’t hold it against me when she saw the dollar signs. I know that I probably make her sound like a bad person, but she isn’t. She’s a wonderful person. I foot the bill and she took care of all of the details. The house, the furniture, vacations, all of that bullshit.”

“Okay, a large house and vacations are bullshit?”

“A mortgage is bullshit, but you already know that,” Cas smiled.

“But I can guarantee that mine is a lot cheaper than yours. I mean, I’m not hurting for money, but I went for small and simple.”

“You know, I remember walking past that house every day on my way to middle school. There was an older couple who lived there.”

“The Collins.”

“That’s right. How do you remember that?”

“I mowed their lawn. When I got too old, Sam took over. It was a little strange when I mowed my own lawn the first time and didn’t get $15 for it,” Dean grinned.

“Wait, so you mowed the lawn at the house that you now own to earn the money to bring me here when we were kids.”

“Yeah,” Dean nodded. “Ironic plot twist.”

“Unexpected.”

“Very,” Dean smiled when the waiter set their plates down. “Life has taken me down some strange paths.”

“So explain the last 15 years.”

“What’s there to explain?” Dean chuckled. “I came back, stayed with my folks while I finished school and ended up in a position to buy the house. I spent a few years sleeping in my old room in a single bed, which sucked.”

“Which is why you bought the big ass bed that you have now.”

“Probably.”

They smiled at one another and started eating in silence.

“Maybe it’s too personal or intrusive, but you really never met anyone that you saw a future with?”

“No, not even the girl in college, not really. I think that we ended up together because I was new, a nobody, she was hot and wanted a football player boyfriend. I stayed because she was a warm body. She stayed hoping that I’d get somewhere in my career. I know that people think that fucked me up, and maybe it did a little bit, but not when it comes to relationships. It fucked me up when it comes to humanity in general. I couldn’t wrap my head around the dynamic. How easy it is for people to use one another. So, I stopped looking. I’d rather be alone than be questioning somebody’s motives. Sorry, you probably wanted the short answer and not my own version of psychobabble.”

“Not at all.”

“Well,” Dean sighed. “I came back here and like I told you, my reputation preceded me. I was still only a few years out of high school but still had that same reputation.”

“Which one?” Cas asked quietly.

“Both, I guess. Where did I fit, what did I want? They all had that question in their eyes and I didn’t answer it. I never talked about us to anyone other than Sam because it didn’t feel right. You weren’t here and it wasn’t fair for me to just tell my side. I wasn’t ashamed of it…”

“I know you weren’t.”

“I’m still not.”

“Neither am I.”

Dean could barely make out the blue of Cas’s eyes in the dim light, but he could see the smile and the way he ducked his head. “So, on to a less serious topic. I do have a couple of bits of gossip if you are interested.”

“Okay,” Cas smiled. 

“So, apparently Lisa got pregnant right after graduation. At least that’s what everybody assumed when the baby came six months after the wedding. Her and Benny are in Texas. He coaches high school football and believe it or not, they actually send me a Christmas card.”

“Okay, it all made sense until you got to Christmas card.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. At least they send it to my parent’s house instead of mine. I’m perfectly happy with most people not knowing my address. However, I do get one sent to my house every year by another happily married couple.”

“Wait, please tell me that it’s…”

“Jo and Charlie,” Dean nodded. “They are in Cali and married. They just adopted a little girl. I have given them my solemn vow that the next time I visit Sam I will drive up and spend a few days with them. We email and facetime once in awhile.”

“I’m happy for them. I know how hard it was on Jo.”

“I remember telling Jo the day that she ‘broke up’ with me that you never know what can happen. I guess Charlie came back for Christmas break that year and they worked things out. Did the long distance thing. Jo came out to her parents and moved to Cali just a couple of weeks after she graduated.”

“That is probably the most romantic story to come out of that school.”

“You don’t think that Lisa Braeden getting knocked up is romantic?” Dean chuckled.

“I don’t know. I guess it depends on whether or not her and Benny are happy.”

“They seem to be,” Dean shrugged. “We didn’t hug it out or sit around and have a sing along, but in his own way Benny apologized. I didn’t need to hear it, but I think that he needed to say it. I know that it pissed him off that I’m at the University and he’s coaching high school. But I’m just petty enough to find some joy in that.”

“I am too,” Cas laughed.

They ate, held hands, drank wine, and couldn’t stop looking at one another. There was no question that they would be sharing a bed.

………………..

“It’s a pull out couch bed,” Cas moaned against Dean’s lips.

“Right, but we’ve been in worse places. The backseat of your car in the movie theater parking lot during Senior year?”

“Okay, but that was kind of hot,” Cas smiled. "We could have waited until we got to your place."

“Really? I've been hard since we got in the car after leaving the restaurant. I was ready to do this every time we hit a stoplight. I desperately need to feel you. I’ll help you pull the cushions off and we’ll get the bed part taken care of.”

“Do you have to work tomorrow?”

“Late meeting. What time do you open the store?”

“By ten,” Cas pulled Dean to him and kissed him eagerly. They got the bed pulled out and stripped slowly, Cas pulling Dean to him when he laid back on the thin mattress. Their mouths were heated and desperate. Dean knew, he needed to feel as much as he could. 

“Do you still use lube when you…”

“It’s in my bag,” Cas panted against Dean’s neck. They both reached for it and found the small bottle. Dean wasn’t nervous or hesitant when he knelt between Cas’s legs and slid a finger inside. He found the spot easily. He’d learned Cas’s body, he knew how to touch him. He rubbed and stretched, watching the pain and pleasure flicker across Cas’s face. He buried himself and leaned forward to trap Cas’s cock between them. He was already on the cusp, he knew that he could come if he’d let himself, but he needed to feel Cas. Their bodies moved seamlessly, Dean rocking, Cas’s hips lifting. Cas felt the pain, but the pure and burning pleasure made him writhe and meet Dean’s slow thrusts. His hands slid down Dean’s back, squeezing his ass, feeling the muscles contract against his palms. Cas’s body arched, their sweat slicked skin sliding in an easy rhythm. Dean ran his hand up the side of Cas’s face, kissing him passionately. Cas’s fingers found the knots in Dean’s shoulders. Dean had touched him, but it had never felt like this. They rocked slowly and sensuously as they both held back tears. This is where they belonged, and they knew it. Dean’s stomach was tight, the kiss was deep when he felt Cas’s hips still. He was confused until he lifted his head and saw what Cas saw. Amelia was standing in the doorway, her face a combination of shock and betrayal.

………………..

“Amelia…”

“My dad wanted to get home instead of staying in Kansas City another night. I came to check on you and I saw the car…”

Cas didn’t know if she was going to leave, if she wanted to talk. He felt Dean’s forehead pressed against his shoulder and heard the low miserable groan. He could still feel him, every inch of him, and he had been so close to coming, so close to sharing that perfect moment. He felt Dean’s lips against his temple and he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know if there was any way to come back from this.

………………..

Dean sighed and rolled on his back, grateful that they had kept the blanket on the bed so that he could strategically cover himself. A part of him didn’t want to leave Cas to deal with this, but he knew that he needed to. He reached for his boxers and jeans, pulling them on with his back to the doorway. He stood up and finished getting dressed, grabbing his boots without putting them on. He looked at Cas, he saw resignation in his eyes, but not shame, not guilt. At least Dean could hold on to Cas’s lack of regret. Amelia hadn’t moved or said a word when he locked eyes with Cas and nodded almost imperceptibly. He moved past Amelia with his boots in his hand and closed the door behind him. He got in his car and didn’t hesitate before starting the engine and driving home.

………………..

“Cas?” Amelia whispered.

“There’s really nothing that I can say,” Cas said quietly, pulling the blanket up his body.

“So that’s where you’ve....”

“Let me get dressed and we can talk about this. I understand that you’re upset, but this marriage is over and we both know it.”

“But him? I mean, it was all true?”

Cas laid back against the pillows and stared at the ceiling. “Yes, it was all true.”

“Do you love him?” Amelia’s voice shook.

“I do. I always have.”

………………..

Dean slammed his hand against the steering wheel as he drove home. He was angry and lost. He had been so close, so ready to please Cas. He’d fallen in love all over again and what was supposed to be beautiful had ended in the worst way.

He crawled into bed, but didn’t sleep. He laid his phone on his chest, just waiting for a text or call.

………………..

“So this is why you came back here?”

Cas threw on his clothes and tried to straighten the blankets. “No, I had no idea that he was even living here.”

“So every night that you have been gone…”

Cas sat on the edge of the bed and dropped his head into his hands. “Yes,” he said quietly. “I didn’t want to hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you.”

“But you’ve always loved him.”

Cas lifted his head and could see the tears in her eyes. He felt like an asshole, especially because his initial reaction was to go after Dean and comfort him. “I have. I let go, I tried to let go.”

“Why did you marry me, Cas?” she whispered.

“Amelia…”

“I deserve an answer.”

Cas sighed and finally met her eyes. “Because it was expected of me.”

“But the entire time, it’s been him. It’s always been about him.”

“No. He and I, we didn’t talk after we left for school. I did everything that I could to put it behind me, but then he came into the store.”

“I know that. I saw him and…”

“He showed up before that.”

“So you first trip down memory lane?”

“Yes, I was with him but we just went out for a beer.” Cas stood up and started pacing. “You know what? I really don’t know why I am explaining all of this to you. We are getting a divorce which means that neither one of us owes the other anything.”

“This is my parent’s store, Cas. I walked in on you having sex with another man in the apartment behind my parent’s store. I think that gives me the right to have this conversation. I thought that maybe by coming here we could…”

“Work things out? Was that your plan? That somehow being back here and helping your parents would miraculously fix things?”

“I don’t know,” She said quietly. 

Cas watched the tears slowly course down her cheeks and he hated himself. He never should have brought Dean back to the store. They should have been patient enough to make it to Dean’s house. “I didn’t want to hurt you, Amelia,” he said quietly. “I never expected this, I wasn’t looking for it, it just happened.”

“You could have stopped it. Nobody forced you to go out and have a beer with him. Nobody forced you to spend the night with him. And then this? God Cas,” Amelia looked up at him in disbelief. “Here? You had to bring him here?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t…”

“You need to go. Pack your bag and go. I’ll tell my parents about the divorce and you can go back to Virginia and get on with your life. Unless you plan to stay in Lawrence.”

“My job, my home, everything that I have is in Virginia.”

“But what you love the most is here. You just...you need to pack your things. You need to be gone by morning. Send the divorce paperwork to my parent’s house and I’ll sign it. I see no reason for us to speak again.”

“This isn’t how I wanted things to end.”

“Then you shouldn’t have slept with Dean Winchester in that bed.”

………………..

His hands were behind his head and he was staring at the dark ceiling when he felt his phone.

“Cas?” 

“I uh, I’ve been asked to leave. I’m packing my bags right now. I haven’t had a chance to check on flights or anything…”

Dean’s heart was pounding. “You don’t need to check flights tonight. I’ll come get you.”

“I don’t know that your car would be welcome around here.”

“Then I’ll pay for a cab. Just come to my place, at least for the night. You can figure this all out in the morning.”

“Yeah, okay,” Cas sighed. “But don’t worry about paying for a cab. Just leave your door unlocked.”

Dean heard his front door quietly close and the soft footsteps in the hallway. He’d considered moving into the living room, but he knew that Cas wanted to come to his bed. He was sitting up, leaning against the headboard, the only light was from the moon filtering through the curtain. He heard the rustling of clothes and felt Cas climb on the bed and straddle him. Their lips came together without a word spoken. They kissed desperately, needing to finish what they had started. Dean could feel Cas’s thighs shaking against his hips as they sat chest to chest. The click of the bottle opening and Cas’s slick hand running up his hard shaft elicited a gasp. Cas rising to his knees and slowly taking Dean’s cock inside of him elicited a deep groan. They moved in an easy rhythm, Dean’s hands sliding up Cas’s back, his fingers digging into the warm skin and taut muscles, gripping his shoulders and pulling their bodies together. He could feel Cas, hard and throbbing against his stomach. He ran his lips across Cas’s neck, nipping and sucking, pulling him into a deep kiss. They were breathless, their bodies sliding together, each movement taking Dean deeper, pressing against the spot inside of Cas that took him to another place. Dean’s hand slid between them and his fingers wrapped around the silky skin, stroking and squeezing. He felt the tension in his stomach and was overcome by emotion and need when he heard his name echo off of the walls and the warm sticky fluid on his hand. Their chests were heaving when he pulled Cas’s body against him and came almost painfully hard, a sob building inside of him. He held Cas close and let the tears come, knowing that Cas was doing the same.

“I love you Cas, that is never going to change,” his voice shook. “Winchester men, we love once. When we do, it is absolute and unending. I peaked in high school because that is where I found you, and that changed me in ways that I still don’t understand. You are the most profound thing that has ever come into my life. I know how this story ends, but I needed you to hear this before it does.” Cas’s body shook as he cried and Dean held him.

………………..

Their skin was still damp from the shower. Cas could hear Dean’s heart from where his head was resting on his chest. Dean’s fingers trailed slowly along Cas’s arm and down his side as they laid in silence.

“You’ve always had the words when I didn’t,” Cas finally whispered. “Even if I couldn’t see you, hear your voice, feel your skin, just knowing that that one point you loved me, it was enough.”

“I will always love you.”

“I love you, Dean. I haven’t said those words in years, but they’ve always been there.”

“I just have an afternoon meeting tomorrow, no practice. I’ll let you sleep in until you smell the coffee and then we can talk about reality. Right now I just want to feel your body against me. I want you to fall asleep in my arms.”

“I couldn’t be anywhere else. Not now.”

………………..

Cas could smell the coffee, but he didn’t want to face the reality outside of the bedroom. He finally found his boxers and jeans and walked down the short hallway.

“More drills?”

“No, studying some video footage before the meeting today. One of my best wide receivers is injured and I’m hoping that he’s ready in time. These kids will push themselves too hard if I let them. I also have a running back and a tight end that were red shirts last year, but I think might be good enough to eventually start. I just worry about their nerves. Being on a college field is a whole different world. I’m rambling....”

“Go ahead and ramble. I spent enough time with you in high school that I actually know what you’re talking about. What about your quarterback? I’ve always had a weakness for those guys.”

Dean turned his head and smiled. “He’s not quite as good as that punk kid who played a few games at Northwestern in the late 90’s.” He watched Cas pour a cup of coffee and move around his kitchen looking for creamer and sugar. He tilted his head and felt the gentle kiss before Cas sat across from him at the table. “I’ve got a solid team this year and high hopes.”

“Shouldn’t you always have high hopes?”

“The fans and the players should always have high hopes. Coaches need to be more realistic. I’ve had some shitty teams. A lot of it is chemistry. I can have a group of great athletes, but I need to be able to put at least seven of them out there that have the ability to work together and trust each other. Sometimes that’s the hardest part because these kids are so damn cocky.”

“But you think that you’ve found it this year?”

“I think I’ve come close. A good balance of newbies and veteran players. I’ve got pre-season and then we work our way towards division playoffs.”

“So this is the most stressful time of year?”

“Pretty much. I mean it’s all stressful. We get a little downtime after the season but then we start reviewing tape of guys we’ve scouted and go from there to get ready to start all over again. What about you? What’s the average day like for Cas Novak?”

“Um, getting up very early to sit at a computer and help design animatronics. Right now I’m working on smart medical prosthesis. Sensors that detect nerve impulses that will generate natural, or somewhat natural, movement. It’s not a perfect science, but we are getting there.”

“Wow,” Dean’s eyes opened wide. “That’s incredible.”

“Yeah, well it’s expensive and arduous, but if we can get amputees in a position of feeling like they have a working limb and not a prosthetic that just helps them go through the motions, they gain back a lot of the quality of life that they may have lost.”

“So you are out changing the world…”

“Not exactly,” Cas blushed and ducked his head. “I am a small part of a large organization and I do my part. I sit at a computer and drive myself crazy. But every once in awhile we have a breakthrough and it really is astonishing to watch. That’s what I love about it, seeing the final product, well the beta test, actually come close to what we are trying to do.”

“Huh, well I’m proud of you,” Dean leaned across the table and pressed his lips to Cas’s forehead.”

“Thanks,” Cas smiled slightly, looking up at those green eyes. “Now the unfortunate dose of reality. I am at total asshole because I actually felt relieved when I was told to just send the divorce paperwork to her parent’s house.”

“To her parent’s? So she’s not going back to…”

“No,” Cas shook his head. “I think that she’ll stay. Help out at the store. Hopefully meet someone else and one day take over the business. She wasn’t working and there’s really nothing in Virginia for her. I’ll have her things shipped and probably sell the house. I’m fine in an apartment. I just...I don’t know what to do here,” he finished quietly.

“Us?”

“Yeah. I can’t move forward, Dean. Not now. It’s a clusterfuck that opened my eyes. It uh, it has always been you. You’re immersed in what you do. You’re good at it and you love it. My life is my job. Same thing, I’m good and it and I love it. Kansas and Virginia are a hell of a lot further apart than Chicago and Cambridge. Maybe I’m being presumptuous…”

“You’re not being presumptuous. We haven’t given ourselves any time to breathe. I mean, a few weeks ago I was sweaty and irritated and I remembered that I needed to pick up a couple of things on my way home, and so I wandered into a store. I didn’t think that we’d end up here. I certainly didn’t expect last night.”

“Amelia,” Cas sighed. “She asked me about the rumors, and I told her. She asked me why I married her, and I told her. She basically admitted that she’d hoped by coming here it might bring us closer and maybe we could work things out. I hated the look on her face when I told her that it was never going to happen.”

“We never should have gone back there, Cas. We should have waited.”

“That was my first reaction too. But, as cruel as it sounds, maybe she needed to see it. Her selfish asshole of an ex-husband in bed with his first love. My only love, and she knows that now. She wasn’t surprised, just angry and defeated. We didn’t try very hard to squelch the rumors after the thing with Jo ended. We just ignored them. We lived how we’d been living for almost a year. Very little contact at school, and a lot of contact away from school. We never took a stance and fought back after the lunchroom brawl. Eventually it died down, but it was always there. I don’t think that anyone was surprised when neither one of us showed up to prom or a graduation party. Hell, they were probably just as happy as we were about us missing it. You stayed friends with Jo and Charlie. God, that fucking warms my heart. Cheesy, I know, but those two deserve it. Two amazing women who deserve happiness. And now they have a baby? Times have changed. I would love to talk to them, but I know that it would be awkward. We don’t know what’s going on. How in the hell could we answer the questions?”

“When do you have to be back?” Dean asked quietly.

“I have a few more weeks until they start asking. I mean, it’s family leave and I’ve haven't really taken much time off.”

“So stay for awhile. Just stay here.”

“But your parents, Amelia’s family…”

“I don’t give a shit, Cas. I told you that I know how this story ends. I’m not an eighteen year old kid with his head in the clouds.”

“You never were, Dean.”

“Yeah, well I definitely see life differently. Now do you see it? Do you get it?”

“Get what?”

“Why I’ve been alone. I’m not saying that to put added pressure on you or to make you feel like shit, but I have always meant every word that I have said to you, and last night was no different. I learned to be alone because if it wasn’t Cas and Dean, it was just Dean.”

“But me being here…”

“Was a conscious choice that I made knowing that as real as it is, it’s part of a storybook that has a last page. Right now, I just want to be part of the story again. I want to be in that last chapter because we never got that far last time. If you need to look up flights, I’m not going to try to talk you out of it. But I am going to ask for a little more time if you are willing to give it to me. Last night was amazing. I just don’t want my last memory to be be in three parts. The part where we made love and it felt like nothing I have ever felt before. The part where your ex wife walked in and saw what probably hurt her the most, you in bed with me of all people. The part when you dropped your bags by my front door and climbed into my bed so that I could feel those things again.”

“Yeah, okay,” Cas said softly. 

“Do you want some breakfast? There are a few things that I do know how to cook,” Dean smiled.

“Hopefully you picked up some cooking skills from your mother.”

“Okay, now you’re just reaching for the stars.” Dean went to Cas and knelt between his legs, wrapping his arms around him. “We’ll get this figured out. For now, let’s just eat and spend time together. You can scroll through my DVR while I’m at my meeting as long as you don’t delete anything. I’ll come home and we’ll go somewhere for dinner.”

“Sounds perfect.” 

They shared a long slow kiss until Dean pulled away, breathless, and started cooking.

………………..

For the first time, Dean knew how it felt to have somebody to talk to after work, somebody to eat dinner with, somebody to share his bed. They drank scotch and watched movies. They touched and made love every chance that they got. He didn’t want this chapter to end, he wouldn’t let himself think about it when he could smell the musky scent of Cas’s skin while they held each other in the dark.

………………..

“Dean?”

“Hhhmmm?” Dean’s head was still spinning. He’d come so hard, he was limp but still throbbing.

“I get that you wanted more for me than Lawrence, Kansas, but why was it so important to you.”

“I would come to your house and hear the way they talked about Michael. I saw how Gabe got attention by getting in trouble. I watched the girls being treated like princesses. You were never mistreated, but you always seemed to be somehow lost in the mix. I was so fucking proud of everything that you accomplished in high school. I know that I never said the words, but you were mine. What you did affected me. Every grade, every award, it’s like I got to feel that excitement through you. This town, it isn’t big enough to give you what you need. It’s not big enough to let you become who you are now. I always knew that. I couldn’t watch you go to the University and then take a decent job to make ends meet. I encouraged you to apply for colleges that I knew you could get into. I needed you to find a place that challenged you to give this world the best that you had to offer. You were everything to me and when I told you that I’d give you whatever you wanted, I meant it. I wanted to give you the world. That’s all I had to offer you. I needed you to take it.”

“You deserved all of that too.”

“But it was different. I was convinced that I would get to the NFL, and maybe I would have. But those careers don’t always last long, and they certainly don’t make an impact. Maybe the only difference is that I would have been a Head Coach and not an Offensive Coordinator. Maybe I would have coached on a pro level and not NCAA. That was my legacy. I couldn’t let you come back for a high school reunion and have everyone look at you as Dean Winchester’s little debate team queer boy.”

“That’s really what you believe everybody would think? Even if I came back, which I probably wouldn’t have.”

“I think that you would have come back, I think that we both would have. You told me that day by the pond that you wanted to be the quiet President of the debate team who had a 4.0 and was in the running for Valedictorian. I wanted that for you, I wanted more for you. I never deserved you. I never deserved a minute of your time, but I took it. I still think about those nights in the woods when we would drink my old man’s liquor and stare at the stars. How free I felt to say whatever I wanted. It was almost like you were somehow proud of me for walking that path. You were the only one who ever knew that side of me. You still are. Those moments, they belong to Cas and Dean. You knew who I really was, but I didn’t want your name tied to mine forever. I wanted you to be Cas Novak who is out there working on animatronic prosthetics.”

“Having an expensive degree and a computer job doesn’t make me any better than anyone else.”

“Maybe it doesn’t. But it’s who you are.”

Cas moved closer to Dean and felt the hard body, the body that hadn’t really changed over the years. “So, publicly I’ve succeeded. Personally I’ve failed.”

“Your marriage?”

“Yeah.”

“We’ve talked about this. You did what was expected of you and you spent 12 years learning what you need and don’t need. That’s not a failure. It didn’t work, so now you move on.”

“You really never wanted marriage or kids.”

“Not really,” Dean sighed. “I knew that I didn’t have the capacity to give 100% to a family, and that’s not fair to anyone. I knew that I don’t have it in me to really try. I work because I have a passion for what I do. I talk to Sam because I can tell him almost anything. I see my parents once a week because they will always love me unconditionally. I go out occasionally as a distraction. It took we awhile to find that balance. I told you before that sometimes the emotional side is unbearable, and then I remind myself that it’s a choice. I remember telling you once that when we are indifferent to what is around us, we are still choosing to be indifferent. I made the choice to give what I can to my job, to Sam, to my parents, and keep the rest for myself. I don’t regret it. It’s necessary for me.”

“But you’ve never wanted more?”

Dean smiled and pressed his lips to the top of Cas’s head. “I don’t think about ‘more’. What does ‘more’ even mean?”

“I honestly don’t know. All of that shit, it was expected and I just followed the guidelines. At least until it came to having kids. I put my foot down and it was like I was altering the universe because a white picket fence should have been part of the plan.”

“You need to make your own plan. That’s the only way you can really look at yourself in the mirror and know that you’ve made the right decisions for the right reasons.”

“God,” Cas chuckled softly. “This shit still sounds so simple when I hear you say it. Life is fucking complicated, but not when you talk.”

“Which I normally don’t do. Believe it or not, I’m a pretty quiet guy for the most part. You bring this out in me. You always have and maybe that’s why it sounds so simple to you. You get it, you listen and you understand. That’s why I fell in love with you, Cas. It started when you told me that you wouldn’t help me with my final paper because I had the words.”

“You’ve always had the words.”

“And you’ve always let me say them.”

They laid in silence, holding each other close.

“I love you, Dean.”

“I love you too, Cas. With everything that I have and everything that I am.”

\--------------------------------------------------

“Castiel,” Gabe barged into his room. “Apparently I am your personal messenger service. Mom said that breakfast is ready and that you need to get your ass downstairs. Nice jacket by the way.”

Cas sat up and followed Gabe’s eyes. Dean had left his letterman’s jacket hanging on his chair. He was trying to come up with a good excuse when Gabe smirked. “Hey, I’m not gonna ask. I’ve always wondered, but I probably don’t want to know. Anyway, mom scrambled like two dozen eggs that we need to choke down so get your ass up.”

Cas raised his middle finger to his brother before he walked out and then stretched. He didn’t realize that he would feel sore after last night. He dug around for a clean t-shirt and headed down the stairs.

He ate quietly and then took a hot shower before he grabbed the jacket and left. He dropped it on the passenger seat and drove to Dean’s house.

………………..

“Uh, hey Sam. Is Dean here?”

“No.”

“Okay, well when he comes back will you give him this and ask him to call me?”

Sam dropped his eyes and looked at his bare feet. “I can’t.”

Cas was confused. “What do you mean you can’t?”

Sam sighed and finally looked up. “Dean and my parents are on their way to Kansas City. His plane leaves tonight.”

Cas felt his stomach turn and the tears well up. He wasn’t ready for this. “So he…”

“Yeah. He asked me to give you this.”

Cas took the book out of Sam’s hands without even looking at it. He could only nod at Sam before walking back to his car. He didn’t know how far he drove, he just ended up at a rest stop. He sat in his car and cried, he cried until he didn’t think that he could cry anymore and then fresh tears would come. Now last night made sense. Dean thought that his place in Cas’s life would hold him back, and now he was setting him free. He tried to work up enough emotion to hate Dean for doing it this way, but he couldn’t. He could wait a few days and make phone calls to try and track him down at Northwestern, but he wouldn’t. As much as it hurt, as much as Dean knew it would hurt, he thought that he was doing the right thing by not making Cas say goodbye. Cas finally drove home and wordlessly went into his room, putting the jacket back on his chair and dropping the book on the desk. He laid in bed with his arm over his eyes, crying off and on. He said that he was sick when he was called to dinner. He felt the sun drop and rise again, but he didn’t move. He just laid in bed. He ignored the call to breakfast, he was sick. He truly was sick. 

………………..

It took a few days before he could take the jacket from the chair and pack it away. It took a few more days before he could pick up the book. He looked through it, hoping for a note or a message, some type of goodbye. All he found were a few passages that had been underlined.

_“I desire that there may be as many different persons in this world as possible; but I would have each one be careful to find out and pursue his own way and not his father’s, his mother’s, or his neighbor’s instead.”_

_“How could youths better learn to live than at once try the experiment of living?”_

_“Every path but your own is the path of fate. Keep on your own track, then.”_

_“I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams and endeavors to live the life that he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”_

The binding of the book became cracked. The pages where the passages were had the corners turned down to mark them. Cas left it on his nightstand until it was time to leave for school. He shoved it in his backpack and took one final look around his room. He wouldn’t come back to Lawrence. He had no reason to.

\--------------------------------------------------

Dean rolled over when his alarm went off and he felt it. He groaned, he knew what would happen, but he picked up his phone and dialed the number anyway. It had already been disconnected. He reached in his nightstand, but his copy hadn’t been touched. He didn’t even get out of bed before he sent a group message to the coaching staff and team that he wouldn’t be there for today’s practice. He had an assistant that could do it. He laid in bed for hours before he got up and made coffee. This was it, the final chapter. The story was over.

………………..

He held out for as long as he could, but finally broke down and grabbed his laptop to Skype with Sam. He needed to talk to somebody who already knew, and Sam was it. He ran his hands down his face before he made the call and waited. He saw the puppy dog eyes and the creases in his brother’s forehead before he even said a word.

“Three calls in less than two months. I hope mom doesn’t find out about this.”

“Then we’ll keep it between us,” Dean sighed. “We’ll keep this all between us.”

“Cas?”

“Yeah. Do you want to go straight to the last thing that happened? Or do you want the build up?”

“Edit out some details and give me the long version. It looks like you need to talk.”

“Well, is this a bad time? I don’t know how long it’s going to take me.”

“No, just give me a minute. I’ll let Jess know that I’m talking to you and I’ll take this into my study.”

Dean watched his brother walk away and heard the low murmur of voices. He felt bad when he heard Ellen ask if she could talk to Uncle Dean and Sam told her not this time. Sam’s face finally came back into view and he watched the screen move around as Sam walked to the study. He finally set it down and Dean watched him sink into a chair. “Okay, so spill.”

“Well, obviously we kept seeing each other. It was inevitable. Amelia and her mom took her dad to Kansas City to see a cardiologist. They were supposed to be gone for at least a few days and even though we had to work, I thought there would be some type of, I don’t know, freedom I guess. I didn’t hear from him for days, but he finally texted me. He wanted to go to Trattoria of all places. We went, it was amazing, it all came back. He’s been staying in an apartment behind the store and Amelia has been staying with her parents. We got impatient and ended up at the apartment.”

“This part is not going to end well…”

“Yeah, so we uh, well we’ve hit a part that should be edited. Unfortunately, Amelia showed up. And by showed up I mean stood in the doorway. She didn’t turn around and leave. I got dressed and I left. Then I get a phone call an hour or so later. He was asked to leave, he was packing his bags, he needed to check flights. I told him to just come here and he could worry about flights later. Another edit and we talked about him staying for awhile. He still had leave time away from work and we weren’t ready to face the reality, at least I wasn’t. It was great for a week or so. Last night we talked. We talked about a bunch of shit. I fell asleep and when I woke up this morning…”

“He was gone.”

“Yeah,” Dean sighed, leaning his head back. “His number is already disconnected.”

“Do you think he did it because you left for school without telling him goodbye?”

“No. He’s not the type to hold a grudge or make a statement. Something that I said got to him and he needed to go.”

“What do you think it was?”

“I have no idea, Sam. I said a lot of shit. It could have been anything. I knew this would end, I just wasn’t ready for it.”

“Do you really think that you ever would have been ready for it?”

“No,” Dean groaned. “But it sucks, it fucking sucks. I let my assistant take over practice today so that I could sit here and wallow in self pity. Pouring a drink will be the next on my agenda.”

“Go pour a drink, I’ll wait.”

Dean finally sat back down and took a sip of scotch. “So, that’s the story.”

“No, the story is somewhere inside of the conversation that you had last night.”

“We just talked about why I wanted him to leave Kansas. That I didn’t want his name tied to mine forever because it wasn’t fair to him. He needed to get out and do something big. Did you know that he works with a team designing animatronic prosthetics? I mean that’s the type of shit I wanted for him. We talked about why I live my life the way that I do. I don’t know. I guess I’m not seeing it.”

“Did you ever talk about why it was so important for him to leave, but it’s okay for you to stay?”

“We touched on it. Fact is, coaching was going to be a part of my life. I knew that before I was injured. It’s the natural progression.”

“Right, but you never looked at anything bigger than that University. I get it. You stayed with mom and dad until you were back on your feet, literally. You went back to school locally because you lost your scholarship, and they offered you a job. It’s not a bad set up and I know why you’ve stayed. But, you pushed him to leave so that he could do bigger and better things. You did the same thing to me. Don’t you think that maybe he feels a little guilty?”

“For what?”

“Because he did it. He let go of you and he did exactly what you knew he was capable of. But he comes back to Kansas and the pride of Lawrence High is still there, coaching at the University. Don’t you think that maybe he wanted more for you?”

“There is no more for me. I coach, I live by a University with a decent program.”

“What about a University with a good program, a better program. Maybe you’re hiding, Dean.”

“From what?”

“The idea that you are also allowed to see something bigger. That there is a life outside of Lawrence. Is it really fair for you to put all of that on him, but not take a look at yourself? You say happy, I say stagnant. I’m sorry Dean, I’m not trying to piss you off, but you tell people what you want for them and you do the exact opposite for yourself. How is that supposed to make us feel?”

“You feel guilty?”

“Sometimes, yes. You pushed me while I was in high school. You supported me when I wanted to stay here and start a life. But then I talk to you, and it kills me because you haven’t lived up to your potential. Yeah, an injury took a punk kid without a Plan B out of the game. You went back to school, but you took the first offer that you got without even trying to find something else. I know that you’re going to tell me how much you love your job and your house and living by mom and dad, but part of that is bullshit and we both know it. You talk big, but when it comes to your own future or even your present, you just get by.”

“So what are you saying, Sam?”

“To listen to yourself. Look at what is out there. If you see an opportunity, take the fucking risk and uproot..”

“And what exactly does that accomplish?”

“You owe it to yourself, and in all honestly you owe it to him. You wanted what was best for him, but you sold yourself short. How do you think that makes him feel? You pushed him to get out of Lawrence and almost 20 years later he comes back and you’re still there? You built him up and made him believe that he could do anything. You never gave him the chance to do the same for you and it was bullshit. You made decisions for him. You thought that you were doing the right thing, I’ve always known that, but you took something away from him. You love him, Dean. I know he loves you. God, you should have seen his face that day…”

“Sam…”

“No, I am not going to hold back and pretend like I didn’t see how fucking crushed he was when you left. I understood your reasons, but I am the one who had to see it. You meant everything to him and he was devastated. You left him your letterman’s jacket and a book. As what? A reminder that he met a jock and ended up with somebody who understood poetry? Mixed fucking messages, Dean. You gave him those things to remind him that you were still there. That you still believed in him and I would put money on the fact that he still has them. He’s probably taken them out and looked at them, knowing that he can’t let you down. And what have you done? You’ve settled. You shrugged your shoulders and said ‘okay’. That is what you have built your life around. How could he possibly not feel guilty that you had that much faith in him, but you never even gave him the chance to show you how much he believed in you? Part of loving somebody is taking. Letting them know that they made an impact on your life. What do you have to prove that he has meant everything to you for almost 20 years? I’m guessing you still have your copy of that damn book from Mr. Crowley’s English class and that’s it. He wanted as much for you as you wanted for him.”

Dean didn’t even wipe away the tears as he slowly drank his scotch. His brother was right. He believed in Cas and Cas and done exactly what Dean knew that he was capable of, but he’d never let Cas believe in him. It was the NFL or bust. He thought that he’d done the right thing by letting Cas leave unencumbered, but instead he left questions; almost 20 years worth of questions.

“So what do I do, Sam?” Dean asked quietly.

“You move on because it’s what you want, accepting that even if he doesn’t know, if he never knows, he has always had faith in you. Or, you stay in Lawrence and put one foot in front of the other. Something that wasn’t an option for the two people that you cared about the most. Your little brother and your first love. We are no better than you, Dean. Granted, we didn’t hit the wall that you did, but you healed. You were forced to come up with a plan B, but you didn’t look anywhere farther than 45 minutes away from your house to live it.”

“Get out of Lawrence and find myself?”

“You’ve already found yourself. Get out of Lawrence and fucking live instead of just existing.”

………………..

Dean thought about reading Walden, he thought about going to the pond, He thought about a lot of things that he couldn’t bring himself to do. He went into pre-season and his life became about football again. His team wasn’t as cohesive as he’d hoped, they weren’t going to win a bowl game, but they weren’t going to be at the bottom of the rankings. He saw that, he felt it, and he knew that it was reflective of his own life. He did start to look. He looked at schools all over the country. Some that his team had played, some that he didn’t know anything about. He found film on the internet and in the school archives of offensive programs, not just different schools but different divisions entirely. He knew that he couldn’t call up Florida State or Alabama, but he could get out of Lawrence. The season ended with a mid ranking, and so did he. He took some time to fly out and meet with coaches and athletic directors. He did it silently. He didn’t tell his parents, he didn’t tell Sam, he didn’t tell the University. He knew that he could try to track Cas down through social media or the company he was working for, but it would be a mindfuck and he knew it. This had to be about him and his fear of change. He finally got a call and an offer.

………………..

“Hey guys,” Dean smiled, taking the beer from his dad’s hand and kissing his mother on the cheek. “Please tell me that you made meatloaf.”

“I made meatloaf,” Mary smiled at her oldest son.

“You seriously are the best, and I’m not just saying that out of contractual obligation.” He sat down and tilted the bottle to his lips. “Oh, that was desperately needed. So, how’s retirement?”

“For me or your mother?” John grinned.

“Let’s go with both.”

“Well, I drive her nuts daily. But, she still tells me that she loves me so I’ll take that as a win. I haven’t really been out fishing yet, but the weather is warming up.”

“Once again, proof that we can have a meaningful conversation about the weather,” Dean winked. “Do you miss the shop?”

“Oh, I have days. They are fewer and further between, but after 40 years you kind of grow attached to a place. I miss the guys.”

“But you still talk to them.”

“Yeah, I do. They are all jealous as hell that I get to sleep in and I don’t have to scrub grease off of my hands every night.”

“Yeah,” Dean took a deep breath. “I think that a part of me is going to miss it too.”

He looked down at the plate that his mother had set in front of him and waited.

“Miss what?”

“Uh, the University. I got a job offer. It’s a bigger school with a higher ranking and pretty strong program.”

“Wait,” Mary said quietly, sitting down. “You’re leaving the University?”

“Yeah, I think so. I haven’t told them yet.”

“Where is this school?”

Dean turned and looked at his father. This was the part that he was dreading. “It’s in Massachusetts.” 

“Massachusetts? But that’s…”

“It’s about 1,500 miles.”

“What made you decide to do this?”

“My little brother bullied me into it. We uh, had a heated discussion. Not heated as in argument, he just pointed a few things out to me and it made me realize that I need a change. Okay mom, please don’t cry. I’ll be making more money, I’ll fly you and dad out. This is something that I need to do.”

“I know sweetie.”

“The birdie has to leave the nest at some point. I don’t think that a few miles away qualifies as leaving the nest. I uh...I’m going to miss this place but I’m not really standing on my own two feet as long as I’m living here. If you want to be upset, feel free to blame Sam.”

“When are you leaving? I mean I know that you guys are knee deep in scouting,” John asked quietly.

“In a few weeks, which is the perfect time. My assistant knows what we’re looking for. I’m taking over for an Offensive Coordinator who is retiring next year so I’ll play assistant through next season and then they’ll give me the reins. Well, as long as I don’t mess shit up first.” Dean tried to smile. He knew that his mom would be upset, but she was upset when he left for Northwestern and he never intended to come back. “Look at this this way, You can see Sam in Cali, and then you can head East and see me. Both sides of the country.”

“Are you ready to move that far by yourself?”

“Not remotely, but I guess that’s part of the fun. Now, this conversation has sucked for everyone involved so let’s just eat. Please,” Dean said, looking at the tears in his mother’s eyes. “I’ll let you cook for me every night until I leave if that will make you feel better,” he finally grinned.

………………..

“So you got an offer and you’re taking it?”

“I am.”

“Well, I do appreciate you doing it on the off season. Do you think that your assistant is ready to move up?”

“Yeah, I think he’ll be fine. Now, if you want to promote through the ranks, I get it. If you want to look outside, I know a guy who’s coaching in Texas. He’s at a high school but you know how big football is in Texas. He grew up here and he was a hell of a Running Back in his day. If you’re interested, I’ll give you his info.”

“Alright,” the head coach said, shaking Dean’s hand. “So a few more weeks just to get your assistant up to snuff?”

“Yeah, it shouldn't take more than that. He knows what he’s doing. I honestly think that he’ll be working with a stronger team next year.”

“Okay, well we’re going to miss the hell out of you. I know that we’ll throw you a proper send off, but I personally want to wish you good luck.”

“Thanks Coach.”

………………..

“Are you nervous?”

“No,” Dean smiled at his brother’s face on his laptop. “I’m completely fucking terrified.”

“I can’t believe that you’re driving.”

“What’s my other option? Let dad have the car back? Yeah, he’d have to rip the keys out of my cold dead hands first.”

“Well, I’ve got to get going. Call me when you get there, or on your way there. I’m guessing that you are supposed to check in with mom at least three times a day?”

“Something like that,” Dean laughed. “I’ll let you go Sammy. Take care and give my love to those blondes.”

………………..

Dean needed to let Cas know. If the things that Sam had told him were true, he needed Cas to understand that he shouldn’t feel any guilt or pity. Dean had settled, he had become stagnant, he'd given up on himself. If nothing else, he just wanted Cas to know that he’d stopped making excuses and decided to live. His mind worked continuously while he drove, trying to come up with the words. He pulled out his laptop at every cheap motel along the way and tried to start an email. All he’d ever had were his words, that all he’d ever been able to offer Cas. The closer he got, the easier it became and he finally knew. He needed to admit that 20 years ago he’d failed Cas, and he’d never made things right.

………………..

Cas was still yawning while he waited for his coffee to brew. He had work to do, but he wasn’t going to go into the office to do it, not on a weekend. He finally got his large mug of coffee ready and pulled out his laptop. He checked his email and his heart skipped a beat. He couldn’t sit in the kitchen and read it, these were words that he needed to see while he was alone and there was only one place that made sense. He felt dazed when he opened his back door and stepped outside.

………………..

 _“All change is a miracle to contemplate, but it is a miracle which is taking place every instant._ I have read that book so many times and memorized so many passages. I can be doing something that doesn’t seem to pertain to the words in any way, but they’ll still come to me.”

“Dean…”

“You know,” Dean said quietly, leaning on the wooden railing that surrounded the deck, his back still to Cas. “A part of me almost hoped that there would be a trellis, but the part of me who is in his 30’s living inside of the body of an ex football player appreciated the gate. I know that I’m the last thing that you expected to find out here. It’s probably a little creepy to know that I tracked you down.”

“It shows initiative,” Cas said softly. “What I don’t know is why.” 

“To apologize. I failed you, Cas. I pushed you to do something with your life and to do it alone while I stayed behind and settled. I made decisions for you.”

Cas felt his laptop slipping out of his shaking hand and he set down it on the weather worn Adirondack chair. He’d let the screen door close behind him, but he still felt rooted in place. “You did. You told me that all you ever wanted for me was happiness, but I had happiness right in front of me. You replaced it with a book. A book that had four passages underlined. I have read them so many times that I have them memorized. I lifted my head in that grocery store that day and for the first time, I heard them in your voice. I’d never let myself do that before.”

“I was weak and I was afraid. I was a kid who thought that he was doing the right thing. I know those sound like excuses, I didn’t come here to make excuses. I’m sorry that I left the way that I did. I’m sorry that when I put Lawrence behind me, my future stopped in Chicago. I never did get to Cambridge and I regret that. It’s beautiful here.”

“How did you find me?”

Dean dropped his head and chuckled softly. “My attorney tracked you down without telling me. It’s a little scary that he was able to do it.”

“So you flew from Kansas City…”

“I drove from Lawrence.”

“You drove from Lawrence?”

“Yeah.”

“How long are you planning to stay?”

Dean finally turned around. He felt the confusion in Cas’s eyes. The memories and the heartbreak. “Hopefully longer than two years, two months, and two days. I got a new job. It’s a bigger school, a bigger challenge. I needed to move on.”

“You got a job? Up here? Because I…”

“No, I didn’t know that you’d moved up here until a couple of weeks ago.”

“I needed to start over, and I needed to do it alone. MIT had a research opening, similar project, and I took it. I guess I’ve come full circle, and then some.”

Dean smiled gently, “You’ve come a long way. I’m proud of you. I’m just sorry that I wasn’t a part of it when I should have been.”

“You’ve always been a part of it, Dean. I went through the motions and I did what I thought were the right things. I tried...I tried to forget. I hated that I always wanted it to be your voice or your hands because I knew that you’d let me go and I needed to do the same. I tried…” Cas could feel the tears.

“I didn’t let go. I didn’t move on, you know that. I stayed in Lawrence surrounded by memories. I was numb and it was empty, but I clung on to it. I would tell myself that the things that we feel in high school, they aren’t real. I spent years waiting to feel whole again, but it didn’t happen, not until you wrapped your arms around me in my living room. I couldn’t understand how almost 20 years later that’s all it took. At that moment, I saw the world again. It was painful and beautiful and satisfying and overwhelming. How is it possible to feel all of those things at once? It had been so long since I’d felt anything.”

Cas stepped into Dean’s arms and felt his body shaking. “What does the email say?”

“It’s a long and convoluted apology. I tried to come up with something that made sense, I don’t know if I did. I didn’t decide to actually come here until last night. My intention was to leave you alone. I know that you left so that you could be alone and make your own rules. It took me awhile to see that. I don’t know if showing up here is going to fuck that up for you. I don’t need to be a part of the story, Cas. I just needed you to hear me say it. You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I deserted you when you needed me the most because I was scared. I’ve been scared, but it’s time for me to try and become the man that I was meant to be.”

“And you did this for…”

“I did it for me. I got as far away from Lawrence as I could.”

“Which is what you should have done a long time ago. I don't want an apology, Dean.”

“What do you want, Cas?” Dean tenderly touched his face while he looked into those blue eyes.

“You know what I want, what I've always wanted.” 

Dean let Cas take his hand and let him lead him into the house and up a flight of stairs. Dean slid his hand slowly up the side of Cas’s face and pressed the other to his back, kissing him softly. “I love you, Cas, but this isn’t why I came here,” he said quietly, tears welling up. Cas held him in a long kiss while they slowly stripped and climbed into the bed. Dean moved his mouth across Cas’s body, kissing and sucking. “God, you are perfect,” he whispered. He felt Cas reach for the small bottle. “Not your fingers, Dean. Just you.” Dean slowly slid his slick cock inside of Cas, letting him feel every inch, watching his eyes shift from pain to pleasure to pure emotion. It was a haze of their bodies moving easily. It was sensuous and fluid, gentle hands and mouths. 20 years of passion and solitude turned to tender lips against supple skin. They rocked and arched, whispering and murmuring promises and assurances. They were fueled by memories and possibilities, not desperation or hunger. It wasn't just sex. It was the renewal of a profound connection. Their skin was smooth when they moved together, Cas slowly lifting his hips to meet Dean's deep but gentle thrusts. The build was slow but they came together, moaning and softly crying out, engulfed in something that neither one of them completely understood; a reality, an honesty. Their bodies relaxed and Dean held himself up on his elbows, softly caressing Cas’s cheek, dipping his head to kiss him gently. “It’s always been you, Cas. The first time we went to the pond, I knew that it was you. I just waited for you to see it. When I touched you, and felt your hands on my skin, I was yours. I’ve always been yours. Maybe it’s a gift, maybe it’s a curse, I don’t know. But it’s real.” Cas pulled Dean close and let the tears come. They crawled out of bed and held each other, overwhelmed and crying under the warm water in the shower.

………………..

“Do you want a cup of coffee?” Cas asked quietly.

“More than anything,” Dean smiled.

Dean followed Cas to the kitchen and back outside. Cas leaned against the railing, Dean’s arms wrapped around him from behind, the two mugs of steaming coffee sitting next to them on the weathered wood. "Maybe I wasn't alone for 15 years, maybe it was just a few months, but now I understand. A year ago this wouldn't have meant as much to me. I've thought about everything that you said and you were right, I did spend 12 years learning what I needed. I spent 20 years mourning what I thought I'd lost. I needed to be alone, I needed to find myself, and then I needed to find my pond. But it's not just mine, Dean. It never has been. I love you with every cell in my body and every part of my soul."

“I love you too, Cas. I always will. When I told you to find your pond, I didn’t think you’d take it so literally,” Dean said, looking out over the water behind Cas’s house. He pressed his lips to Cas’s temple and they watched the slow waves, heard the distant sound of doves, and felt the warm breeze.

....................

_"Things do not change; we change."_

\- Henry David Thoreau


End file.
